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» Scarleteen Boards: 2000 - 2014 (Archive) » SCARLETEEN CENTRAL » Relationships » Am i over thinking or am i right?

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Author Topic: Am i over thinking or am i right?
Anavm33
Neophyte
Member # 109264

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Hi! So, i don't really know what to do, because this makes me really sad to the point of crying. I have been going out with a guy for over nine months now, yet as much as we are couple-like, we're not actually dating. My situation is really weird, because i've already met both of his parents, he met mine, we are together all the time yet i'm not his girlfriend. I'm just this weird kind of "friend". We already discussed it and he knows that i really want to take the relationship to the next level because it is the obvious step to take, i told him i just don't feel comfortable about this anymore because i'm not a "special friend' i'm really just his girlfriend by all means, but not for him. He told me i was right and that he wanted to talk about it in a special moment, yet apparently in almost a year he's never found one... It makes me really unhappy now, like i'm not enough or worthy enough to deserve something more real... Maybe i'm being silly, but it hurts anyway. [Frown]
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Heather
Executive Director & Founder
Member # 3

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Okay, so have you told him that you really need and want to talk about this now, not at some special time? And that you are clearly well-past the time when you can wait on this conversation, even if the conversation involves him telling you he doesn't want a girlfriend?

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Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me • Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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Anavm33
Neophyte
Member # 109264

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Thanks for answering so fast! Yes i already told him that we needed to talk about this because i was really upset, and i gave him an ultimatum before he went on vacations for holidays. I did this so he had time to think at least before he came back and we could sort things out. Bu he came back and we had seen each other plenty of times, all alone, and he avoids the topic when i mention it. So i'm starting to feel like i mean nothing to him and i have been played all this time...
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Karybu
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How does the conversation tend to go when you mention it?

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"Another world is not only possible, she is on her way. On a quiet day, I can hear her breathing." -Arundhati Roy

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Sam W
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You're right, that does sound frustrating, especially since you've been clear that this is something important to you. When he changes topic when you try to bring it up, what do you usually say/do in response?
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Anavm33
Neophyte
Member # 109264

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Well, when i say something he tells me i'm right that everything i say is true and that he's waiting for a moment to ask me to be his girlfriend in a cute way or something. And at first, i thought it was just adorable, even though i'm not the type of girl who thinks too much of that kind of stuff. So i let him be.
But it's been a lot of time and i'm starting to go crazy.

The last time it was pretty awful, i ended up in tears. He was really upset, he's not a total jerk as it might seem he is, but i just don't understand why is this so difficult to him. Is not like he hasn't been in other relationships before. That is what confuses me the most...

[ 01-20-2014, 07:58 PM: Message edited by: Lavm18 ]

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Heather
Executive Director & Founder
Member # 3

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You know, I'd say that when the other person winds up crying, you have to know that if you are "waiting for a cute way," you have clearly missed your chance, and now you just need to talk about this any way you can. Because the other person has clearly been pushed past their limits and you are clearly causing them pain.

Which is not in any way adorable.

We can't know what is going on, or why he is putting making a choice about this off, but it sounds to me like you need to be firm here, ask for what it is you want -- like if you are asking for him to call you his girlfriend, or for a certain commitment, whatever it is -- and tell him you need him to decide, right then and there, if that is also something he wants.

Clearly, he has had a lot of time to think about it, so either he knows what he does or does not know by now, or if he does not know, he just is not going to. I'd say you need to draw and hold this line if you want this to go differently, and I can't see any other way that it will otherwise.

You have obviously given him all the room in the world to do this his way, whatever that is, but he hasn't taken you up on it, and it doesn't sound like he is going to. You are well within your rights at this point to say that that train left the station, and now you just need him to talk about this with you and make a decision about it.

[ 01-20-2014, 08:08 PM: Message edited by: Heather ]

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Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me • Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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Anavm33
Neophyte
Member # 109264

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Well, thank you Heather, is really comforting to hear that i'm not going mental about this and that i actually have to be clear, because this is getting unhealthy for me, me not being happy for someone who clearly is not caring as much as he should about this, is not worth it. I do love him, that's why i waited this long,but maybe is time to just think more about myself.
Thank you all for being supportive [Smile] i'm so glad i found this web!

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Heather
Executive Director & Founder
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I honestly can't see anyone not feeling pretty out of their gourd in this kind of situation by now.

When you know someone who apparently cares about you is seeing you suffer and isn't doing something pretty darn simple to respond -- and ultimately, saying what you want with a relationship with all this time to think about it may not always be easy, especially if your answer is not what you think the other person wants, but it is, on the whole, simple enough to do -- it can be very confusing and painful. Same goes with someone not even acknowledging you are suffering in a given way and making some movements to help alleviate that.

Relationships are made of more than one person, so only one person getting their needs met with something is never workable for more than small periods of time. So, not putting what you need out there clearly by all means isn't healthy for you, but it also isn't healthy for a relationship.

I hope the talk goes well and leaves you feeling better, whatever the outcome. You know where to find us if you want some more support.

--------------------
Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me • Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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Anavm33
Neophyte
Member # 109264

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Hey! So it's been a week and i finally got to talk to him about this and it ended up great! He told me everything i wanted to hear and i'm really happy about this [Smile] i thought i should let you guys know how everything went since you were all so helpful.
Thanks a lot!

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Sam W
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Thanks for the update, and glad it went well [Smile]
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