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Author Topic: I can't think of a damn title
100mistakesandcounting
Neophyte
Member # 109381

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Okay well it's a very very long and complicated thing to explain so sorry in advance for the long message.
I've got major clinical depression and I've done a lot of dumb stuff when I feel down and then I regret it so much and feel just awful about it :/
Like, with my ex..we were together for 9 months and he was my first serious boyfriend. We ended up sleeping together when I was fifteen and I honestly regret it so much. It wasn't a very good relationship at all because he was a cutter and austistic and he blamed me sometimes for him cutting and I was the inly person who knew and I felt awful about it :/
Anyway I'm getting off track...
I've been single since about September? So about 4-5. Months I think?? Anyway this isn't really about my ex but I don't know why but I kind of got it into my head that I was only good enough for my ex and becAuse he was a complete nut case, I wasn't good enough for anybody else and so I got in that mindset and I did some really really stupid stuff which I regret so much...I sexted random guys...I just idk wanted to feel loved and wanted and stuff and it just made me feel worst and it became a bit of a cycle and I feel so slutty and I honestly just three all my self respect out the window and I was amazed at how lonely I felt and it just made me feel worse...I never ever met the guys but it was all like online and shit and I feel so so so bad and guilty and I felt so far away from ever being happy that I actually realise I wouldn't care if I became a prositute or something because at least then people would pretend to like me and stuff.:/
I go to a girls only school so for me being around guys is a big deal and I'm trying to just move on..from what I did but I don't know how :/ any advice? I'm stuck in a really hard place and I have so much going through my head and it's just awful and I feel so bad and it's like sadness is consuming me:/
The guys...I sexted...some of them were really really nice like they were good guys and I feel bad because I led them on kinda and I'd like to be just friends with them but do you think that's a good idea?
I feel bad for dumping this on you but I just don't know what else to do...
I feel like I treated myself like dirt and I should really love myself..because how can I expect somebody to love me when I don't even love myself?:/
I so not going to be in a relationship for ages and ages and when I do find the right guy...I'm gonna take it really slow and not rush into anything and stuff because I regret all of my relationships with guys...
I mean I've only slept with my ex but like I mean the other guys too..
I regret all of that and I wish I could change the past and it's all eating me up and I feel so ashamed and worthless :/

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Robin Lee
Volunteer Assistant Director
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Hi 100mistakesandcounting and welcome to Scarleteen,

I'm sorry to hear you're struggling so much.

I first want to check in with you about whether you're getting any treatment for your clinical depression, such as medication, counseling, or both. If you have a therapist, have you talked with them about these struggles you're having?

I think too, as much as you're struggling, it'd be helpful to know that there is some positive stuff in what you wrote. Knowing that you're not ready for a relationship, possibly not for a really really long time, is actually a terrific thing and shows a lot of self-awareness. [Smile]


It's pretty clear that these online sexual relationships didn't give you what you wanted or needed, and they ended up making you feel worse (which is usually what happens when we don't get what we want or need). I don't think, though, that any of this makes you bad for having initiated those relationships. People experiment sexually in all sorts of ways, and unless those ways really hurt themselves or someone else, they're not bad. In other words, doing sexual things, online or in person, doesn't make you bad. The idea of someone being "slutty" doesn't really say much, actually, since slut is generally used as an insult, and doesn't really say anything concrete about a person's sexuality. (For example, people call other people sluts because they don't like them or want to demean them, even if they know nothing about those people's sexual experiences).

So, having done this sexual experimentation hurt you instead of making you feel good, but it doesn't make you a bad person. See what I mean?

I also wanted to ask you to please make sure, when posting here, to use language of others that is respectful. As much as things went bad with your ex, being autistic, and self-injuring, doesn't make someone a nut-case. It's also useful to remember that people who are sex workers usually start that work for all sorts of reasons, rarely because they need to pretend that people like them.

I hear in all of this that you're really feeling overwhelmed by everything that's happened in the past little while. We can help you figure out what would be right for you with your relationship life and sexuality, but aren't able to help with the mental illness stuff. If you don't have current help with that, we can certainly help you find that. [Smile]

--------------------
Robin

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100mistakesandcounting
Neophyte
Member # 109381

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Thanks so much for your quick response and everything you said made a lot of sense to me so thanks so much! And when I called him a nutcase, wasn't trying to degrade anybody with Austism or who self harms...I meant for other reasons as it's quite obvious he was a lot of problems due to the time I spent with him so I saw them...and yeah that would be wonderful if you could help me figure out what's be right and stuff
Thanks so much

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100mistakesandcounting
Neophyte
Member # 109381

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Thanks so much for your quick response and everything you said made a lot of sense to me so thanks so much! And when I called him a nutcase, wasn't trying to degrade anybody with Austism or who self harms...I meant for other reasons as it's quite obvious he was a lot of problems due to the time I spent with him so I saw them...and yeah that would be wonderful if you could help me figure out what's be right and stuff
Thanks so much

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Robin Lee
Volunteer Assistant Director
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Again, are you getting any treatment for the depression?

Who do you have in your life who can support you when you're feeling really desperate about everything?

What do you think and feel is most important for you to sort out around your concerns about sexuality and relationships right now?

--------------------
Robin

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100mistakesandcounting
Neophyte
Member # 109381

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sorry for the late reply..

yes, i am getting treatment...i have a counsellor and a caseworker..

and who could should support when i'm getting desperate? hmmm..my pen pals/mom?
and what do i think and feel is most important for me to sort out around my concerns about sexuality and relationships right now?
not quite sure what you mean...mind rephrasing?


I'm so dumb aha :/ I diiiid it again :/ Atleast I know why though...i have no friends in this stupid town and nobody to talk to when I'm down and I know it sounds dumb but I don't feel good about myself so I want other people to tell me I'm good enough and stuff but it's the wrong kind of attention :/
I should have emailed one of my pen pals and talked to them..when I'm feeling like this..depressed and lonely and stuff...I will do that next time I feel down..we all make repeat mistakes right?:/ but we learn from them?:/
I've learnt this time...definitely :/
I've already worked out ways to help me love myself more [Smile] )) I'm gonna go for walks everyday and eat healthy and try lose weight because then I'll feel more better about myself [Smile]
And for the next 10000 years haha, guys will be only friends with me...best fiends at the absolute most [Wink] x

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Sam W
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Glad to hear you have a support network going for treating your depression, and that you are coming up with a plan to help you feel more positive about yourself.

I can't say for certain what Robin was getting at, but I will give it a go. What do you want in terms of a relationship right now, and what parts of forming/managing sexual and romantic relationships are the ones that you find most important? And what worries do you have (if any) about those desires.

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100mistakesandcounting
Neophyte
Member # 109381

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I don't want anything more than friendship with boys right now and I think that physical intimacy ..sex etc..shouldn't be what a Relationship is about now. I think what I did, twice have made me realise that I don't want a boy who wants a sexual relationship straight away/sees it as important etc...I mean there's plenty of time for that and I'd much rather just cuddle up with somebody whom I love and watch a movie than have sex..you know what I mean?

I've learnt from my mistakes but I'm just not sure why I did it twice when I felt so bad the first time...:/ and that's what's really eating at me now:/ I'm not dumb...so why did it take two rounds of this mistake to make me completely realise?:/

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Sam W
Scarleteen Volunteer
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It sounds like you've got a pretty good sense of what you do/ do not want from a partnered relationship right now, which is great. As long as you communicate those boundaries to any potential partners, they are perfectly reasonable.

As far as why you decided to do the same thing twice, I think a good person to dissect those feelings with would be your counselor. I will say that (in spite of how people like to make snarky remarks about people who do the same thing multiple times and expect a different outcome) in my experience it can sometimes take one or two instances before you decide that "nope, this thing definitely makes me feel bad and I will not do it again and I am holding myself to that." So, as much as you can, try not to be too hard on yourself on that front.

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