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» Scarleteen Boards: 2000 - 2014 (Archive) » SCARLETEEN CENTRAL » Relationships » Up front asking these questions

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Author Topic: Up front asking these questions
Eurythmics
Neophyte
Member # 108671

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I am simply going to up front ask this:

Is it normal for your partner to text, masturbate beside you?

That he is hard as a rock and wants to cuddle from texting and masturbating where he asked to go cuddle in bed, which didn't led to sex?

Is it strange that someone were to fool around with her partner but he doesn't want sex? Then to text someone after the fooling around and to masturbate while I left but in the same room?

Should someone be concerned over this?
How should someone deal with this?
Is this harmless in a relationship?

I am feeling my sexual well-being is taken apart here. That he didn't want to have sex, but after reached for his phone to text someone and to just finish himself while myself was 3 meters away when I basically offered to have sex?

I am feeling something is wrong with my sexual needs. I also don't do the same usual sexual activities either, so it is not boring. I feel I am boring him so he receives this sanctification from who he is texting...

Posts: 20 | Registered: Oct 2013  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Heather
Executive Director & Founder
Member # 3

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Normal is always a tricky term when it comes to anything related to human sexuality, because human sexuality and sexual relationships are so, so diverse.

Reading your post, this really is not even about what may or may not be normal, and it would not matter either way, because I hear you saying this makes you feel very uncomfortable. And that means you need to voice those feelings, and ask for whatever it is you need. Certainly, for instance, asking someone to put their cell phone away and keep it away while you are sexual with, or still in bed with them is not an unreasonable request. You can also ask to talk about how you two might better incorporate the masturbation he wants into what you do together so it feels more like part of your sexual shared experiences, rather than like him basically heading out while you are still there.

That all said, I would remember that masturbation and partnered sex tend to be different, so because you offer sex with you does not mean something is the matter with him or anyone else if they decline and instead want to masturbate.

You know, looking at all of your posts about this relationship, it keeps sounding like you really so not feel very good in it, and like you two just might not be a very good fit together. It also sounds a little like both of you, in different ways, across your different posts, just might not even like each other in some respect, though it is possible I might just be missing something?

Can I ask what you really like or even love about this relationship and this guy? Are you generally happy and feeling good in and about the relationship?

--------------------
Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me • Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

Posts: 68290 | From: An island near Seattle | Registered: May 2000  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Eurythmics
Neophyte
Member # 108671

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Yes, I am generally happy in my relationship. It is the sex that has me a bit concerned. He seems he isn't interested in sex with me anymore. Whereas, before he wanted to have sex a lot. It's not a bad thing just I'm confused and I'm not wanting sex all the time.

I feel comfortable with him other than the, not having sex to him masturbating, when I could have given him more pleasure and the enjoyability of it. He supports me a lot and is there with me in tough situations. For an example: Last night I wasn't feeling my best so he sat with me upstairs during Christmas dinner because I was upset. He supported me, talked to me, and stayed with me. He told me he'd rather be with me rather not be there.

I think the bedroom has issues which are causing myself to have issues. I am used to sleeping alone and when I am with him in his bed it feels weird, but I've adapted to it. I've gotten used to his snoring.

I don't want to offend him about his sexual preferences and such. I did last night, things were getting heated he looks at me, says, "I'm not feeling the best. I'm feeling depressed and not sure why." So, I asked if he will be okay, then gave him some suggestions to help with the feeling. I care about him and he does for me, it shows so much in him for his caring heart and gentleness.

Everything else is fine.

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Heather
Executive Director & Founder
Member # 3

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Well, if you won't talk about this with him, then it really does not have a chance of getting resolved.

When we are sexual with other people, we can't just do what we want, we need to be openly communicating together to find out what works for both of us, including being honest when something, or more than one something, is not.

A very big part of managing our sex life with a partner is communication, and that includes not keeping things they want or are doing but that are not good for us to ourselves.

--------------------
Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me • Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

Posts: 68290 | From: An island near Seattle | Registered: May 2000  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
   

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