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Author Topic: How to Address a few Topics
Eurythmics
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I need some clarification and understanding on a few topics which I am not sure how to address, figuratively. I would really appreciate the help for a better understanding and what is the best way to approach this without sounding, blamable (which shouldn't be the case).

3 months I've been with my partner (boyfriend) and our relationship is going great, really great. Where I am having some difficulties with the fact I'm not sure how to really address something to him because I am scared for many reasons:

1) Don't want to sound like I am blaming or assuming
2) Damage our relationship
3) How to address some issues and not sound defensive
4) How to talk about it in a neutral environment
5) Basically reactions and how to be open about feelings without being rude/nasty/or blamable

I am slightly hurt but I shouldn't be hurt or upset because I do not know anything. However, I do know something that could be damageable to our relationship, possibly.

I am not on any contraceptives because I have reactions to Estrogen so I was getting a medical procedure done in the office which went unsuccessfully; which got moved to the O.R. He is using condoms and I am comfortable with condoms.

The risk of STI's are low, until well... oral came into play without condoms. My concerns hit hard for me when, well... I offered to shower with him because he is uncircumcised and his penis smelled (maybe poor hygiene) and he agreed. I giving him oral in the shower and noticed and felt bumps under his shaft. Now, I had washed his penis with soap (kinda making it seem like I wasn't, kinda fun for him) so it could have been the soap bubbles that never rinsed off completely.

I can't assume anything. But, I ran my fingers over that area and felt bumps. His face changed but I am not sure and to act normal after that was a huge bluff for myself and making him think nothing happened while I was done there.

Then I given him oral again thinking it's bubbles. Felt the same thing. Hmmm... my mouth feels slightly weird like wandering little beads in my mouth (back of mouth) that I can not get out or find? Not sure what that is about, my throat feel weird. But then again I could be paranoid nor know how that even works. How long it takes to show.

I don't understand because I got myself checked just before College before my relationship with him, then maybe a month and half in I checked myself again (for the common infections, before College and the start of my relationship I got the entire testing done) and I never heard back.

I have no idea how to address this. I was texting my friend last night about it and then I just called and I went to his bathroom to continue the conversation. She was very supportive and given me suggestions.

My idea to approach this is simply use an excuse that is valid but a white lie. In a few months I am getting the implant done in the O.R and my thoughts was saying something that my doctor had called and requested myself and him to get checked now and then just before (where she hasn't requested this but is valid) the procedure. So that I am healthy and well before the procedure.

Thing is, this isn't a complete white lie she had requested me to get checked, well she had asked and I said yes twice and I never heard back. So... I can use the doctor called me card to get him to come with me to the clinic to get checked at the same time.

How does someone address this without assuming after I felt and saw something? It could be nothing at all, but I don't know. I'm upset over this.

I don't even know the typical infection to show up but I've been tested before and then a month and half into our relationship.

We had anal without a condom over the weekend. I know very stupid idea and irresponsible one as well.

Hmmm, before our relationship he told me he's been with a couple (male and female) and received anal.

I've been noticing more watery discharge in my vaginal area but it could be a yeast infection but I have no idea.

My last period which was November 23-25 and light spotting on the morning of the 25th then stopped for two days and by the morning of the 29th I was spotting again which stopped, then continued a little bit.

I hmmm, I dread that he does have something and has given it to me and I am not sure because I would feel he cheated but I have no idea how long a infection shows up. Then how I would react and I shouldn't assume...

I really need some help on this...

[ 12-01-2013, 05:32 PM: Message edited by: Eurythmics ]

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Robin Lee
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Hi Eurythmics,

Do you know if your boyfriend has been tested for sexually transmitted infections?

I ask not because it sounds like something might be wrong here (there's just no way for me to know whether there is or not) but because it's good practice for both partners to get tested.

So, if he hasn't been tested, or hasn't been tested recently, you don't even need to tell any white lies about what your doctor said or about anything else. You can just let him know that it's important for your health and his that you both get tested on a regular basis and ask him to come to the clinic with you.

How does that sound?

In regards to the bumps you felt: Again, there's no way for anyone who hasn't examined your boyfriend to say what those were, but it can be helpful to remember that the skin on the genitals is like the skin on any other part of the body. it can get dry, and develop bumps or other irregularities.

To sum up: What I'm saying here is that even if you hadn't encountered these bumps, it's sound for you and your partner to get tested. That's just part of basic sexual healthcare for people who are sexually active.

Here's some more information on testing: Testing, Testing...

--------------------
Robin

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Eurythmics
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Would it be wrong to ask for the full testing including AIDS and HPV like everything from him and I will do the same?

Just I won't be able to see him, would a text message be appropriate of a way of communication? My hopes are this week because next week and the week after is exams/tests before the Holidays. How can I say this is urgent without sounding demanding?

He had told me at the beginning he got blood work and urine which was fine. Where he told me everything came back negative. I even told him I got tested as well and I was fine.

I hope he has free time this week, I just want it done sooner than later. I might send him a text later on this morning asking him.

[ 12-02-2013, 07:30 AM: Message edited by: Eurythmics ]

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Robin Lee
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Are the two of you not near each other? Most people often find it best to have these conversations in person, so as to minimize the risk that people will misunderstand each other.

It's good that you've both previously been tested.

As it says in the article I linked above, it's recommended to have two clear STI screenings, plus at least six months of monogamy before going without barriers.

At this point, a few more weeks before getting tested isn't going to make much of a difference.

Is it possible for you to arrange some time for you and your boyfriend to talk in person, or over the phone, so you can both discuss this and plan to do it? Do you think it would help to share the article I linked you to, since that backs you up on the soundness of the two of you getting tested again before you continue to go without barriers?

--------------------
Robin

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Eurythmics
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I had sent him a text message (kinda feel dumb) he said he would go with me Friday but he only gets that sorta thing done with his family doctor since he has done so in the past.

He said he would set an appointment with his doctor and asked if it was okay with me. I said it was fine.

Just his family doctor couldn't release that information of his results to me, as where as if we gone in together set a date for when we go in at the same time to find out the results together would be more reassuring. We're dating so even if something showed I or he would need to address it to one another, plus it would be in the environment of health providers. Where as if he got it done he could say whatever (not saying he would lie) to me.

How would I ask that without sounding like, "you have an STI," when I have no idea. I think it's fair that we both get it done and then go in together to find out the results because we're dating which are sexually active with one another?

[ 12-02-2013, 10:08 AM: Message edited by: Eurythmics ]

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Heather
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Ultimately, you would just say that you two have been engaging in sex without having been tested and you are not comfortable with that and would like both of you to get tested.

Honestly, chances are the bumps you felt are fordyce spots, which are very common, period, but more so when people are not circumcised. But bumps or no bumps, having unprotected sex of any kind without testing and a long period of exclusivity is risky.

Just FYI, you cant ask him to get tested for HPV because we do not currently have an HPV test for people with penises. But you can just suggest you both get a full panel, testing for all you each can be tested for, and share your results with each other.

--------------------
Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
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Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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Eurythmics
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I was planning to go Friday but a meeting had come up so I had to change my plans because of the meeting. I was going to go to the sexual health clinic Friday morning which boyfriend was coming to support me.

Since I had a meeting come up last minute I am going Monday morning. However, I told him he doesn't need to come with me since he's seeing his doctor (I still don't think he booked an appointment) so I figured I would wait.

I've been noticing weird behavior from him. For an example, we had sex and he started to text after and during the night. I was annoyed and asked why he's texting so late and pointed out that he was tired (he had expressed this) I wasn't feeling myself. He tried to tickle me and what not so I would *smile* or something. I then got up, grabbed a blanket and pillow. At that point he asked what was wrong. I stated, "I need to think about some things, think through some concerns I have."

Well, just about anyone would be concerned like he was. He then offered to lay in the living room instead of me. I said, "no I'd rather just sleep on the couch." I was upset.

He lied to me. He's lying to me.

I then sent him a message explaining this time is hard for me, that I need to think things through. Just it's been a year since I lost someone close to me. He understood where I was coming from. I also mentioned the phone issue in a non-biased way. Explaining I didn't care who he's talking to but he stated he was tired and decided to text at 2am, which he was hiding his phone every time I rolled over. I went on explaining I have no interest to know what or who he is talking to. Just that behavior upset me.

Every time I bring up the sexual clinic he gets quiet. I'm not saying, "are you going to get checked?" I stated to him that I am going Monday because of my meeting Friday. I feel he isn't being honest with me.

I was texting a helpline last night because of how I've been feeling about the death of a family member, I told him I'm talking to a friend and I feel bad for lying to him about who I'm talking to. I don't normally text, so he asked me. I then lied to him and deleted the conversation after.

I feel something isn't right. I feel he feels sorry for me because I have no family, which Christmas is fast approaching. I love his family, but I feel he feels sorry for me.

I'm having doubts about the relationship. It's not that I am not ready or equipped for situations, it's just I'm getting this feeling something isn't right.

This morning he told me he is going to the hospital to drop off a book for a friend. I asked if she was okay. He then told me, yea she works at the hospital. He was leaving when I was leaving to go home, he was looking up where she works then said something, "that b!tch works all the way over there..." I laughed and asked him a question like, why don't you just meet up somewhere where it's easier to get to. I looked at his phone and saw just the number and no name. This concerns me a lot. I feel he is hiding something from me.

(he looks at my phone while I text friends, doesn't bother me because I'm not hiding anything and I wouldn't in a relationship)

As we're leaving I asked why he doesn't have the book. I guess he asked his parents to use their car. This evening I heard back from him, then asked how his parents are and such (he was going there for dinner) he stated he didn't go for dinner, he just got the car and spent time studying instead. It doesn't really sound reassuring because I had told him that one of my close friends sent a package and how I've been excited, so I picked it up. I sent him a message telling him I got a early Christmas gift from a friend and I was tearing up over. He asked what I got and sent a picture. He didn't reply for hours.

Maybe I need to wait this out.

I also am fearing pregnancy. Not that I have a reason to be concerned. He kept checking the condom and pulling it back up his penis while sex.

We also had a very interesting conversation about pregnancy. I brought up the question of, "I would go on birth control but I can't be on it, (for medical concerns) so we use condoms. So are you getting some." The conversation goes to pregnancy and I was very surprised of his response. "well if plan B doesn't work there is also plan C," I was shocked that he said this to me. He stated, "he isn't ready for a kid or near to wanting a kid, so I wouldn't want a kid." He told me, it's the females choice because it's her body, so he basically was okay if I got an abortion if I fall pregnant.

In those two and half days spending time with him, all this happened.

I feel this relationship isn't going to move forward in less he is open about getting checked, sharing that information, being honest with me, and being honest about his friends.

[ 12-07-2013, 10:06 PM: Message edited by: Eurythmics ]

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Heather
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I am sorry, Eurythmics, but I am feeling a little lost.

I am hearing you say he is lying about something - more than one thing? - and hearing you talk about how he needs to be honest, but do I have it right that this is all anout you feeling he is lying, rather than you knowing he is lying?

All of what you have said here, including feeling something is not right, have you said all of this, any of this, to him? Have you told him about your doubts? If so, how have these conversations gone?

If I am missing something obvious here, my apologies.

[ 12-08-2013, 11:04 AM: Message edited by: Heather ]

--------------------
Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me • Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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Eurythmics
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Yes. I have addressed some of my concerns.

1) About the texting at 2am and him rolling over.
- He explained he didn't want the light to bother me.
- He offered to go in the living room where I remain in the bed.
- He explained that his friend was in a different time zone than he was and forgotten (but he continued to text)

2) I haven't addressed the other things.
- About the sexual health clinic because I trust him to see his doctor.

If someone your texting about dropping a book off, wouldn't that person put their name? He is friends with his classmate, but in his phone shows the number. I had glanced to look, wasn't intruding I just noticed that. Maybe, people don't put names for their number?

He seemed weird when I asked him if his friend was okay because she was at the hospital. I didn't know she worked at the hospital, I was just being concerned if she was okay. He quickly stopped the conversation.

I'm going to call him later today and talk about me going to the sexual health clinic and see if he booked an appointment with his doctor. Right now I trust him that he will go.

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Heather
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Can I ask why you are focusing so much on the testing when it sounds like you have big doubts and concerns about the relationship overall - like what sounds like a lack of trust with him, even about very simple things - big doubts that it sounds like you have not actually told him about and discussed with him?

--------------------
Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me • Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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Eurythmics
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I never had doubts, not until he acted weird around his phone. I had no interest to know who he was texting. The fact he was hiding something has made me doubt him.

It sounds so childish of me to think this way. He's always interested to know who I am texting when I do text, which I am very honest and open about it. I don't ask him because it's none of my business to know.

Am I taking this the wrong way?
Maybe I'm not explaining clearly.

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Heather
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The thing is, I think the things you are asking us are the things to talk about with him.

It is not that you are not being clear with us, but rather that it seems like you are not talking about or vocing any of these bigger issues with him.

I think it is a pretty good cue we are obviously having bigt issues with trust when we get hung up on little things, rather than only having those issues with the big, important stuff. So, if you are only talking about those little things, you are not actually talking about what is really going on, catch my drift?

Additionally, I would say that if and when we find we are taking issue with things about just some basic privacy with partners, like being okay not knowing who they are talking to or texting at a given time, we might want to also check in with ourselves about if we are seeking control. In healthy relationships, everyone should be okay not knowing things like that at any given time just to give each other space to also have parts of our lives partners are not part of.

[ 12-08-2013, 02:56 PM: Message edited by: Heather ]

--------------------
Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me • Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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Eurythmics
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I wanted to say thank you for the replies, which have helped me a lot.

When I was over at his place Saturday night we talked in the middle of the night. I first asked him what the relationship means to him. He didn't really have an answer and apologized. I had froze up and tears shot across my face and rolled over. He had left.

However, I sent him a text message after a few minutes thinking over what to say. He came back and we had a very successful conversation; it was very positive. We talked a lot about our relationship which helped me with my doubts and fears.

I've let the texting go away. I will address it to him when it comes up, but I am in a relationship with him, so I need to trust him.

Thank you.

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