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» Scarleteen Boards: 2000 - 2014 (Archive) » SCARLETEEN CENTRAL » Relationships » I want to be in a relationship, but things aren't going that way.

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Author Topic: I want to be in a relationship, but things aren't going that way.
moonlight bouncing off water
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As some of you are aware, I have been in one serious relationship before and it ended pretty terribly. I've had plenty of time to get over the relationship and live my life as moonlight, not moonlight in a relationship.

It's been years since that relationship and since then I've been on all of two dates (and in retrospect, I wouldn't even call one of them a date). I dated the guy I posted about a while ago for two weeks-- not really long, until he broke it off. Although I was sad to have the possibilities that the early relationship held melt away with his few words, ultimately I just wasn't that into him and was thinking of breaking it off too.

But now I really want to be in a relationship, and its starting to bother me (more than it has) that after 3 months at University, I'm not in a relationship.

That may seem silly, but I truly thought I'd be dating someone by now, even if they weren't someone I was going to be dating for more than a few months.

I assumed that the major factor in why I wasn't dating anybody back home was that I lived in a small town, so my dating pool was quite small. My university's undergraduate student population is twice the population of my hometown, and most of the undergrads are withing 5 years of my age, so my dating pool has expanded appreciably. Yet I remain single.

It is not as though I am sitting around waiting for someone to come ask me out, I do my fair share of asking out, it's more that I haven't met anybody I want to date. I have had some crushes, and sort of have one now, but these crushes have generally been mild.


I'm not really asking anything concrete here, but if anyone has any observations or has experienced anything similar I would really appreciate talking about this.

I just feel like I will be single forever. I know that wouldn't be the worst thing in the world, but I really want a relationship. I was someone to talk to and confide in and who confides in me, I want someone to cuddle with and spend time with. And I simply feel like its not in the cards for me.

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~moonlight

I am ME and that is the only label I need.

Posts: 864 | From: Ontario, Canada | Registered: Oct 2009  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Molias
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Wanting to be in a relationship when you aren't in one can be really tough and frustrating.

A great thing about a university setting is that there's also a lot to do - you say you aren't meeting a lot of people you're interested in dating, and one way to potentially widen that pool of folks you know is to get involved in various groups and activities on campus. You'll probably also meet a lot of people who are interesting even if you don't want to date them, and widening one's circle of friends is pretty great in general too. (And of course you never know when you'll connect with a friend of a friend!)

The bonus here is that you'll be getting the benefit of those interesting groups on their own, expanding your knowledge and experience and becoming even more of an awesome person with great thoughts to share with a potential partner! I don't think "I'm joining this club to get a date" is quite the right way to think about it, but maybe "I'm joining to learn about/participate in [area of interest], and meet some cool people who I'll connect with in all sorts of ways" will resonate with you?

As a side note: I know people who never really dated until after college, sometimes even years after, but have really fulfilling dating lives now. I don't say this to downplay your frustrating at not having a partner now, but I do think it's important to know that there isn't some window of dating opportunities that you might miss. If you don't date a lot in college that might be frustrating, but it doesn't mean you won't still have a future of dating and relationships ahead of you.

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Heather
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I would also add that in the first few months of college or university, not only do a lot of people tend to feel extra lonely, but people also do not tend to be in the mode of starting new, long- term relationships. The focus is more typically on everything going on with college, socially and academically, which is, of course, a lot. So, right now, part of the issue here may be your timing, both per everyone else, but also in terms of yourself.

Sounds like you are at a pretty big school, are you feeling lonely? How is it going establishing other kinds of social interactions for you, like new friendships or groups?

By the way, I understand that months can feel like years sometimes when we are unhappy or scared, and months can also feel easy to project unto the rest of our lives. As in, "This is how it will be forever." It won't, of course, whether the way we feel is good or bad, as change is a given in life. But I find that when we are feeling that way, it actually is usually the worst time for us to start or pursue new serious relationships, rather than at times when we are feeling less desperate or scared, and more okay and comfortable with being, or not being, in a relationship. Scared and lonely and desperate, as ways of feeling, just do not tend to be feelings that we can create great relationships from. Do you know what I mean?

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Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
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Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

Posts: 68290 | From: An island near Seattle | Registered: May 2000  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
moonlight bouncing off water
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Thank you Heather and Molias.

I know what you mean Heather. I don't feel scared or desperate, but I certainly do feel lonely.

I live in residence, and there's about 50 people on my floor and we do tend to do some things as a floor (eating supper, for instance. I only ever eat alone when no one else from my floor is eating). I really do love my floor, but they are almost the only friends I have. There are people I talk to in classes and I suspect that I will get to know many of them better given that they are in the same or similar programs to me.

But I haven't really made any super close friends yet. I only do things with people away from my residence floor when it is initiated by someone else and a bunch of people are going.

I find it hard to make friends and truly click with people, though I'm a million times better than I used to be. It is something I should work on.

We're in the midst of exams now, so clubs and activities are out of session. This semester I went to only the first meeting of any club I tried, so I will force myself to pick a club or two and stick with it this semester.


I am hoping, as well, that in my classes and especially my labs next semester I am near some of the people I have gotten to know a bit this semseter so I can forge friendships with them next semester.


See, people on my floor have started dating, and so it really seemed that everyone was starting to date when I see my roommate and both people in the next room over with partners. And I suppose it just seems all the more prevalent that people on the floor are dating eachother because I see them all the time.

It makes a lot of sense though, that as per timing a lot of people haven't really begun dating. That gives me hope.

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~moonlight

I am ME and that is the only label I need.

Posts: 864 | From: Ontario, Canada | Registered: Oct 2009  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Heather
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I would definately try to hang in there now per giving things all more time. It still is really new, for you, for everyone new to college, so I would say relationships, be they friendships or romances or sexual relationships, that are serious, starting now is something more the exception than the rule.

In the meantime, though, and in general, you obviously do not want to keep feeling so lonely, and a serious romantic relationship really is not a good answer to that, anyway. What do you think you can do to tackle that loneliness?

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Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me • Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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moonlight bouncing off water
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Heather I just wanted to let you know that I have seen this. I'm putting a lot of thought into my response and uncovering some tough stuff. I'm working on this though and socializing a bit more. Just wanted to let you know I wasn't ignoring your post.

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~moonlight

I am ME and that is the only label I need.

Posts: 864 | From: Ontario, Canada | Registered: Oct 2009  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
moonlight bouncing off water
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I'm actually not lonely anymore. (This didn't happen magically, it took a bit of work but less than anticipated).

And it's late at night, so this will be brief.

I have a crush, a massive crush. I have a crush so big it is leading me to demote 90% of my past crushes to "not really a crush". I've journalled a ton about how I feel, so there will be no outpouring of emotion here.

When I think about this guy, it's like he's me. We are by no means identical, but he is similar to me in the ways that it's important to me that a friend or partner be. All the ways. Not just most of them. All the ways that are important. As I get to know this incredibly shy guy more and more, as he peels back the layers of himself and lets me in, I like him more and more. And I like the parts of him that are different from me too.

We can talk for hours about things I am passionate about and that he seems to be passionate about too. He loves reading, and not only that, loves reading the same genre as I do.

But enough about why I think he's super awesome. Here's the paradigm shifting part. I want him as a friend.

Would I jump at the chance to date him? Hell yeah!

Will I ask him out someday? Probably.

But, I want his friendship more than I want to date him. It is a gazillion times more important to me. I won't do anything to jeopardize the budding friendship. If I ask him out at some future point and he turns me down, I will fight to maintain the friendship despite the fact that it could be awkward at first.

I think that I may have made a lifelong friend.


It is empowering that I want him more as a friend. It is liberating. I entertain thoughts of dating almost every friend I ever make, at least at first and sometimes it overpowers my feelings of desire to be friends.

But with him, I would actually be okay with being just friends. I think this is because I am so compatible with him in terms of interests and interaction. I haven't felt so close to a friend since grade school before my childhood best friend and I grew apart. I actually think he could become my best friend.

And I am making other friends too. I am actually making connections. And in a few days when I go home for Christmas, I have plans to hang out with high school friends who are also back on break.


I feel like everything is falling into place. So I'm sharing that with you. Thank you.

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~moonlight

I am ME and that is the only label I need.

Posts: 864 | From: Ontario, Canada | Registered: Oct 2009  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
moonlight bouncing off water
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I also just realized something. My parents met when they were 18/19, and I turned 19 a few weeks ago. I'm the same age my parents were when they started dating. No wonder I think I should be in a relationship right now.

My parents met when they left high school. They participated in a program where they volunteered for a year and lived all over the country. They lived together with others and worked together volunteering. And they fell in love after a month of knowing each other.

I think I've always known intellectually just how freakishly unusual it is for two people to meet that young and stay together for gosh, it's been 30 years. But even though I can look at it objectively and see it as the objection to the rule, it's my conception of normal. It's like when I was younger and we lived in a house that was bigger than most people. I didn't understand why everyone else had small houses. Why, I thought, wouldn't they have big houses. It just goes to show that "normal" simply is whatever you are most used to.

Well I am most used to the idea that you meet the love of your life at age 19 and date them within weeks.

Hmm.


______________


Well, realising part of the root of this will probably help me to stop expecting it of myself.

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~moonlight

I am ME and that is the only label I need.

Posts: 864 | From: Ontario, Canada | Registered: Oct 2009  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
   

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