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» Scarleteen Boards: 2000 - 2014 (Archive) » SCARLETEEN CENTRAL » Relationships » Dating an older man?

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Author Topic: Dating an older man?
Haylie95
Neophyte
Member # 109104

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How much of an age difference is too much? My boyfriend of about 4 months is 40 I am 18. This isn't what you think I'm not in it for money at all. I love him. Your opinions on this?

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Haylie

Posts: 3 | From: Texas | Registered: Dec 2013  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Haylie95
Neophyte
Member # 109104

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We met online talked for about 2 months. He catfished me. I fell for him in that time though so I couldn't just let us go. I love him now. He also has 2 kids, both older than me. Daughter 19, son 21. The daughter recently moved back in with him and he wants us to meet. She's used to her dad dating younger girls because he works in rodeos. That's actually the reason he catfished. He makes really good money and girls would use him for that. I dont know how to tell my parents or if I should tell them?

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Haylie

Posts: 3 | From: Texas | Registered: Dec 2013  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Robin Lee
Volunteer Assistant Director
Member # 90293

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Hi Haylie and welcome to Scarleteen,

First of all, we don't make assumptions here, so we wouldn't have assumed that you were dating this man for any particular reason, money or otherwise.

I'm not familiar with the term "catfished." Can you define it for me, please?

From the sounds of things, you've already met him in person?

What is it that's making you feel unsure about talking to your parents about this?

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Robin

Posts: 6066 | From: Washington DC suburbs | Registered: Dec 2011  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Haylie95
Neophyte
Member # 109104

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Catfishing someone is when you use fake pictures, lie about age, name ect.

I thought he was 21 and he used different pictures.

Yes we have met. Ive stayed at his house 3 or 4 times. And we've gone out dancing a few times.

Well I don't think they would approve, well I know they wouldn't. He's 22 years older than me. He's also older than both of my parents.

When I go to his house or go out with him I lie to my parents cause I still live at home.

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Haylie

Posts: 3 | From: Texas | Registered: Dec 2013  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Redskies
Scarleteen Volunteer
Member # 79774

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A big age difference isn't necessarily a problem in itself. It can often result in problems if people are at very different life stages, which is likely when we're talking about 18 and 40. People at such different life stages often have very different priorities and perspectives, and it can be hard to balance those so that everybody involved has their needs met and is living the life they want to lead.

Something which really matters is the balance of power in a relationship. With such a big age gap and when the younger person is still a teen, it is earnestly difficult to create a truly equal relationship where the younger person is still able to develop and explore in a healthy, independent way, even when the older person has the very best intentions and truly cares for the younger one. In your situation, there are already some things which suggest this guy may not be that kind of A-grade awesome guy. To start with, I'm concerned that he first had contact with you by lying about his age. That isn't a thing that a respectful and responsible person does. Someone who is older and who wants to be responsible and sensitive about the fact that they're older will always be upfront about their age. Perhaps not the exact figure, but within a very small range. I'd also be concerned about any person who makes contact using lies and deception, about any basic fact about themselves, including their age and picture.

I'm also concerned that it sounds like he prefers to date much younger women. For sure, a person can sometimes really like one particular person who's a different age, but a pattern is something different. There are almost no healthy reasons why a 40 year old would want to date 18 or 20 year olds, as a group. If a 40 year old is doing this, they may be looking for a relationship with a power imbalance. That's not a relationship that is likely to be healthy or nourishing for the younger person.

We have an article on the site that talks in more detail about age differences in relationships. Perhaps you can have a look at it and see what you think? Why I Deeply Dislike Your Older Boyfriend

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The kyriarchy usually assumes that I am the kind of woman of whom it would approve. I have a peculiar kind of fun showing it just how much I am not.

Posts: 1786 | From: Europe | Registered: Sep 2011  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Molias
Scarleteen Volunteer
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I honestly have to say that the fact that this guy lied about his age & used someone else's photos sends up a huge red flag for me. Healthy relationships need to be built on trust and honesty, and it really doesn't take lying about who you are to weed out people who might want to date you for the wrong reasons.

I don't think the age difference is the biggest issue here, although I think Redskies' points about the difference are valid; it's the dishonesty that stands out as a problem to me.

Posts: 1352 | From: San Francisco | Registered: Jan 2013  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
   

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