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» Scarleteen Boards: 2000 - 2014 (Archive) » SCARLETEEN CENTRAL » Relationships » no sex

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Author Topic: no sex
melissa1506
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Member # 30972

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Hello I need some advice here. I am kind of in a situation that has officially blown my mind.
Last february I met this guy ( 33) at a bar and it was instant attraction /click. But i had just got out of a relationship less then 2 weeks before. We dated/ did valentines day, and as fast as it got going is as fast as it fizzed bc I got "crazy" and wasnt ready for another relationship so fast. We didnt talk then until June . June I ran into him in a club and left with him a few times and it was nothing more then sex in june. At the end of juen he told me hw was seeing someone. So we didnt speak all summer. There was always something about him and always wished I met him later then 2 weeks after a breakup. So august came and he contacted me to hang out. So we hung out. Since then we have been hanging out ( at his house) two times a week . Its almost 3 months. We have not had sex once! I brought it up to him and jokingly replied " your on probation well c what happens" since august weve grown so close to each other. Do I mention sex again? What are some reasons we are not having it? We are intimate in other ways. I am hoping this "thing we got going on" for the last two months might turn into something.. not sure how to handle this at this point bc now my feelings r growing.

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Heather
Executive Director & Founder
Member # 3

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Only the two of you can know why you're not engaging in sex. When people engage in sex together, it's an active choice, not something outside those people, or only about one person.

Have you talked about this together, expressed your desire to be sexual with him and invited him to be sexual with you?

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Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me • Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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melissa1506
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the problem is i dont know what we "are" he plays it off like we are friends but clearly i feel we are more if we are hanging out twice a week making out and getting close in other ways then sexual.. I have mentioned it to him asking if its ever going to happen he says maybe maybe. I cant get a striaght answer but i dont want to pressure him .I am just confused all together to as what we even are. If I knew that maybe id feel less strongly about the sex.
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Heather
Executive Director & Founder
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So, that's another conversation it sounds like you need to have. That's really only something people can find out by talking to one another, deciding on what that "what" is, and making agreements about it together.

I'm not sure what you mean when you say you have asked him if "it" is going to "happen." Do you mean some kind of sex? If so, that's not a thing that happens, it's something people agree to do together, if they agree. Or are you saying that you have said you'd like to be sexual with him, and his answer has been that he doesn't know yet, or isn't there yet? Or something else?

--------------------
Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me • Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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melissa1506
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Hello so i wrote to you in october about i was talking to this guy and we werent having sex and didnt know how to handle it. Well october came and went and in November he got a DWI>..and during that time in november we became extremely close. We texted everyday , saw each other day other, cuddled, etc ( still no sex). I kind of let that go in my head because we had gotten so close in the month of november i figured it would naturally happen on its own soon. Well last weekend he moved back in with his parents. ( this kind of bothered me at 33 to do so because he could have gotten an apt closer to them didnt have to move into there) So he becamse more distant now that hes home and he came over my place last friday. So last saturday i told him how i felt that I couldnt wait any longer for him to make a decision and i cared about him and if we are not on same page he needs to tell me..he said to me i care about you too but I do not want a relationship now with anyone,lets just stay how we are and see what happens. I did not want to do this but I did it for 1 more week. Friday night he said he wanted 2 see me this weekend by saturday night he said he was tired and going to bed. So i pretty much had it at this point of being second to everything and opened up and said I told u I care about you and I tried 2 wait and hold out for u to come around but i cant do it ne more I give up im moving on ( did not want to do this because i love him and had every hope hed come around but I also dont want to get hurt more then I already am) so his response to me was this " i understabd fullly how u felt and tats why as much as i cared i stayed away a little...you dont want to be with me u need to find a nice guy ,remember to be careful out there and dont be a stranger when i see you"..........so he was clearly okay with me walking away it seems. but why does he think hes not a nice guy and think i shouldnt want him? is this an excuse? im upset at the moment for even saying something but Im more confused on what he thinks at this poiint.
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melissa1506
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just seems like he didnt care that i ended things or was it a cover
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Heather
Executive Director & Founder
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Hey there, Melissa.

I am a but unsure if what you are asking for from us here. Feedback? If so, on what?

Anything about what he may be, or may have been, think or feeling is going to be outside our knowledge, as the only person who can know any of that is this guy.

That said, I do feel like it sounds as if he has been pretty clear from the start that a sexual relationship was not something he wanted with you, since it does not sound like that was ever something he initiated or expressed interest in , right?

--------------------
Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me • Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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melissa1506
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yes- pretty much I was asking for feedback yes.. but on him..I dont know how to take "you dont want me im not a ncie guy" when I told him i wanted more with him, because at the same time I was seeing him everyday .. Now i almost regret saying somethin and telling him if he didnt give me more i was walking away. because its a day later and I miss him already. Should I text him? or wait it out n see ifhe texts me
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Karybu
Scarleteen Volunteer
Member # 20094

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As Heather said, we can't know or even begin to guess what he meant, only he can tell you that. It does sound pretty clear that he has not expressed any interest in a sexual relationship with you, but what you do with that information, whether you decide to contact him again or not, is entirely up to you.

One thing to keep in mind though is that we can be really attracted to someone and want a sexual or romantic relationship with them while at the same time realizing that a relationship is not what they want/feel is right for them. You want a relationship but he evidently does not, and as much as that can suck, that's just what happens sometimes.

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"Another world is not only possible, she is on her way. On a quiet day, I can hear her breathing." -Arundhati Roy

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