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Author Topic: Boyfriend's mom/what should I do?
binauralbeat
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Member # 108976

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This may be semi long,so I apologize.

I've been with my bf for 4 years now, his mom has always been super clingy with him and for the most part, it's been paining me but I've just been telling myself that once we move out it'll be better.
For example, he will give me a time to hang out,I will get ready,he will get ready, then as he goes to leave, his mom will ask where he's going. If he says to see me, she makes a fuss;asks why,wants to talk about serious issues that take a few hours,etc.Just simply does not respect me,him,or our relationship.

He is 24, I'm 22.We both still live at home. I have been unemployed since last year due to PTSD,which,ironically stems from a situation that occurred with my bf a few years ago for a prolonged period of time.
I've been seeing a therapist,I don't really have any hard feelings towards him currently,but the situation still disturbs me and I am still struggling with PTSD nonetheless(he anally raped me multiple times over the course of about a year and a half and would sexually assault me in other ways for the first two years-I was dumb, I loved him and he told me that each time would be the last and I'd believe him;he also began choking me occasionally after the sexual stuff stopped,that lasted from the time the other abuse ended until this past April-things have been completely fine since)..

So, anyway, I am unemployed, not currently going to school but looking for a job near my bf's new job so that we can move out around that area.

My bf's mom has been getting upset because he's been working nights, 12 hour nights to be exact, and when he gets done, he sometimes will come to my house to sleep. We didn't think this would be an issue because my mom and even her usually ultra strict boyfriend are fine with it and his parents leave for work at about 8am,he gets home around 7am, he leaves to go home and shower at 3:30 or 4:00, leaves for work at 5:30 and his parents usually don't get home until 5 or 5:30.
So, we really didn't think his parents would even really know.
Generally, when he worked days, his mother would tell him that he had to be in bed by 11pm.

Anyway, last week his mom stayed home and he had stayed over at my house during the day to sleep,went home at 3:00 to shower,his mom asked why he stayed over at my house,and we couldn't figure out why it was such a problem,as it's quite alright with my mom.
We suspected this was an issue because she said she never sees him(which,he is sleeping anyway and he leaves for work before she gets home for work so ...???),and because she's seemed to be overly concerned with his sexuality(she won't let him ever lock his door even if he's alone and feels uneasy about girls) and obviously he's just sleeping after working a 12 hour shift, but who knows what she's thinking.
I see him for about an hour or two at most when he's awake,before he leaves for work. If he goes home,she will talk to him and not let him sleep,wake him and talk to him or won't let him leave the house when he says he's going to see me. As mentioned, she asks why he's coming to see me,then needs to know what he's been up to,college plans(he dropped out about a year ago and has been working full time),if he's moving out,if I have a job yet,what my plans are,etc..ONLY if he is coming to see me.
He initially said that she holds him up,but recently he said that he stays because he wants to talk with her also.So I'm a bit confused due to him changing the story, and I also can't help but see it as a sign of disrespect that he will tell me to get ready by a certain time and then leave me hanging for I never know how long until he's finished talking, and apparently doesn't tell her that he made plans. This isn't much a problem now as I'm not working and have nowhere to be currently, but it's been a major problem in the past when I was working and I'm worried about when I do find another job.I also do see it as disrespectful and very inconsiderate nonetheless.If he wants to talk with her, I don't care, just expect it and tell me we'll do things later then.

Anyway,he accidentally fell asleep again the other night he had off work and we were hanging out.
I tried waking him up and told him he would get in trouble if he fell asleep because I was getting tired too,but we fell asleep and in the morning he went home, of course his mom had an issue and finally came out and said that my family was "weird" for letting him stay over.
The majority of my friends are between 19 and 26 and have their long term SO's sleep over, at least if they're planning to move out soon. I told my bf this a long time ago and he always says it's mostly his "low-income" friends or friends with "broken families" who do this(he comes from a very wealthy family).
I'll admit,that upsets me. Our families are very different, but we're not doing this BECAUSE we're low-income or a broken family(my mom IS divorced and we live in a low-income AREA)and it was initially his idea to start sleeping over to begin with once he began this job.
But instead, he responded with "well, I felt weird about it at first too, and it took me a while to get used to. It's mostly a modern thing." he told me that he saw that as standing up for me/us(when I asked why he didn't),but I see it as him making it look like I'm making him come over or something. None of the words he used made it appear at all that any of this was his idea, but then he tells ME that he likes to/wants to sleep with me. I'm confused. Do you think he's telling his mom and I different things? He has a major history of lying and trying to tell people what they want to hear.

She then asked if I had a job again, and complained that once I got one that our relationship would have to become more of a "partnership"...yes, I am aware.He should be aware also, it upsets me that he didn't tell her that it would obviously be that way. Originally, in the beginning of the relationship I drove to his house whenever I wanted to see him,or he would call me and ask me to drive over. I was asked to pay for our dinners(or my mom did occasionally),bought him on average 15 gifts for Xmas/birthdays,etc.Now he drives us places,offers to pay for food,surprises me with things,etc.
So he spends money on me as of late, but I never ask him to do anything.I even ask him not to as a matter of fact.

So to her, it likely looks one-sided, and at the moment I AM unemployed for reasons I am not comfortable with her knowing(she hasn't even inquired)but I m obviously going to pick up where I left off once I get hired somewhere and things will hopefully never be one sided on either of our parts ever again.
Problem is,she asked if I got a job yet, and why not,my bf says I've gotten "a lot of calls but she doesn't like the places calling her". This is not true. I've gotten A call from the same place he is employed at, and nowhere else.I'm not sure if I want a job there because they are 12 hour nights and I am unsure whether or not I am comfortable working night shift.Other than that call, I have not had even one more.

Along with this, he tries to sleep at his house,one morning he even locked his door because his mom and brother have a habit of walking in,and his mom just unlocked the door and walked right in. I understand that it's her house, but this is a 24 year old man. That's a little strange.

I also asked if he wanted to have Thanksgiving dinner at my house,he said no because he doesn't like other people's cooking(he's never eaten at my house but if I don't eat at his house his mom gets legit offended) and his mom prepares/needs to know a month in advance. And that it'll be the same once we move out because she makes things special for him. -_- Wouldn't a mom expect that once a son moves out with his girlfriend, they might even have their own dinner?I've gone to his place 2 years in a row, he refused to let me do anything with him holiday-wise the first year, and my mom is a city bus driver and doesn't have her work schedule a month in advance...

As far as the sleeping over thing goes, I know it's still strange for some families in the US,but my issue is that he's not standing up for me.He even said that he agrees with most of what his mom says, and that confuses me because he'll tell me later(when I don't bring this kind of conversation up) that she is overly clingy,going crazy, and annoys him.
It makes it look like I'm making him do things;not that he wants to.
She was also complaining that I don't have a job so "we" can't have a nice Christmas,then handed him a paper with a job in it for me..which is, how this conversation got started. I wondered what they were talking about, because this was another day he was "held up" and assumed that I was involved..and I was.
Is his mom overstepping her boundaries?
I mean, bed times, telling him when to get his hair cut, where he can sleep at 24 years old, she has fits and slams doors if he's sleeping and not spending time with her, like today, but this happens often: he was sleeping,she slammed the door to leave the house,my bf woke up,went downstairs and his brother said "oh, well now you get up, now that mom and dad are gone." and they ignored him for the rest of the day after they got home,which is usually the result of them being upset but also a sign of a major talk coming soon. He went home at 7am this morning, but actually lied and told them he was with his friend who works night shift also, so he thought it'd be fine if he was out with him.
But what do you think I should do?
I mean, this guy initially told me when we began dating that he needed to have kids because his mom was relying on him to have grandchildren for her..a bit creepy. I don't want kids. Never have, and recently he agreed that it'd be fine if I decided not to, but it's taken almost 4 years for him to understand that he doesn't need to have children for his mother.
Another thing that is weird is that if she'll be sitting in his room he'll rub her legs or shoulders, I don't know if this is normal, but he does it with me too and it just seems a bit off to me.I'm not sure. I just feel like she's a bit overbearing, and he allows it, if not embraces it.
I just want to know, is this normal for mothers and sons? and is my relationship a bad one ?Is there anything I can do?Am I being unreasonable?
I'm aware of my faults, and I'm working towards a change, but is there more I can do?Am I doing something wrong?
I have talked to my boyfriend a few times, but it's obviously a hard thing to talk about because who wants to say something potentially bad about the mother of the person they love? He calls my mom crazy all the time, but at least I know she is, and so does she. lol

[ 11-28-2013, 01:20 AM: Message edited by: binauralbeat ]

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binauralbeat
Neophyte
Member # 108976

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Also, I am not asking my therapist about this situation atm because I'm currently dealing with more serious problems with her as mentioned, and I kind of wanted to just ask around first.
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Robin Lee
Volunteer Assistant Director
Member # 90293

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Hi Binauralbeat and welcome to Scarleteen,

It actually sounds like, since your relationship, and things that have happened within it, is at the root of a lot of the things you're working with in therapy, this would be something appropriate to bring to the sessions with your therapist.


What is "normal" for any mother-son relationship is really going to depend on the mother and son involved. In other words, there's no one way mothers and sons interact. It does sound like there are some tricky things going on in their relationship, but that's between your boyfriend and his Mom. yes, it affects you in a big way. It's also something that your boyfriend needs to deal with for himself if it's something he finds to be a problem. If he doesn't like being told not to lock his door, being told when to sleep, etc, that's something he needs to talk to his Mom about.

Certainly, if you're spying patterns that concern you, you're allowed to bring those up with your boyfriend. There are ways to introduce difficult subjects without sounding accusatory. You can just mention that you've noticed this pattern and that it concerns you, or that you're frustrated because it seems as if his Mom doesn't want him to visit with you. Having a conversation with someone about how you're feeling, or what you're thinking about something, doesn't have to mean that you're insisting it change. It can just be you and your boyfriend talking about things.


What do you think would happen if you brought these things up with your boyfriend, just to talk about them?

Hearing you describe this relationship, I'm concerned for you. Not only have you described pretty serious physical and sexual abuse, but a pretty significant incompatibility--the question of whether children would be part of any future you and your boyfriend have together. I'm hearing some inequities, such as your boyfriend being allowed to say what he wants about your mother but you feeling like you're not allowed to express your thoughts and feelings about what's going on with his mother.


Do you feel safe and respected in this relationship? Do you feel like you're getting what you need from the relationship?

[ 11-28-2013, 12:50 PM: Message edited by: Robin Lee ]

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Robin

Posts: 6066 | From: Washington DC suburbs | Registered: Dec 2011  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
   

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