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» Scarleteen Boards: 2000 - 2014 (Archive) » SCARLETEEN CENTRAL » Relationships » Telling family I'm pregnant?

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Author Topic: Telling family I'm pregnant?
BreakingSilence
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I am over 18, but my older sister is always lecturing me about how I "better not screw up." The father of the baby is my boyfriend (few family members have met him) who I spoke of previously. He and I had a discussion and he says he promises to improve ( and has), because he is from a broken family ( like myself) he wants to break the cycle. We are both older, however still nervous because neither of us knows what to expect and have never had children. We both want to do the right thing for the baby. I am 2 months along and my first appointment to see a Dr. is this week. We both work, and decided that we think it would be best if we got married. We're now engaged. This is all happening so fast. I just don't know what I'm going to tell my family yet. I know I'm an adult and can make my own choices...I'm tired of being put down [Frown]

They don't know I'm engaged or pregnant . I'm not upset, because I knew even when using protection there's always a risk. My fiancé is quite happy about the baby. I'm just nervous

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Sometimes the only thing we can do is accept what we have no control over.

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Sam W
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Hi breakingsilence,

I am glad to hear your boyfriend is consciously working to improve.

As far as being nervous goes, do you have a sense of what is primarily causing those concerns? Is it just about what to tell your family and coping with their possible reactions, or does it have to do with your feelings towards the broader situation?

[ 11-26-2013, 06:43 PM: Message edited by: Sam W ]

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BreakingSilence
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I'm also pretty excited about the baby, but is that silly and irresponsible of me since we've only been together 6 months? It sounds very sudden, but he took me out, bought a ring and asked me to marry him. He just wants a family like me. Is this a bad thing? Are we thinking too much about what we want?

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Sometimes the only thing we can do is accept what we have no control over.

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BreakingSilence
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Thank you. More than anything I am nervous about how my family will down talk me. I don't know why I always feel I need their approval ( since they were never there for me to begin with) but for some reason I do. Who knows? Maybe I'm subconsciously still trying to appease them? I really don't know what my problem is... I just hate being forced to feel like i'm nothing..

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Sometimes the only thing we can do is accept what we have no control over.

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Sam W
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Breakingsilence, you are not nothing, and folks who make you feel that way, even if they are your family, are not being good to you. That being said, it can be really difficult to get out of the modes of thinking that we build growing up in toxic homes. Have you been able to access any counseling services who could help you in dealing with the effects of your family?

In terms of discussing your pregnancy and engagement with them, do you feel it's really necessary for them to know (e.g they have direct control over your housing or funds)? Obviously, your own safety and feelings of security are most important here. But you also get to control who gets to know what about your personal affairs. So, is not telling them an option you have available and are comfortable with?

As far as you and your boyfriend being excited, this is your life together. If you both have discussed plans to build a family and a life together and have a practical way to do so that will allow you both to be happy, then that's what you should do. It's not "thinking too much about what we want" because it's a matter that ultimately only involves you two.

[ 11-26-2013, 07:00 PM: Message edited by: Sam W ]

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Molias
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One thing you could do is ask your doctor if there are any classes or resources in your area that are geared towards first-time parents. That might help with some of the worries you have about not knowing what to expect.

I'm sorry your family is still being disrespectful to you. That's really not ok. =( I don't think you're under any obligation to talk to your family about this at all, if you don't think they'll be respectful or supportive. Since it sounds like you have some stress over this pregnancy and your relatively new relationship, it's ok to just focus on that for a while and wait to talk to your family about your pregnancy so you're not overloading on stress all at once.

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BreakingSilence
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Not telling them is definitely an option, but once my sister finds out ( I wont have to) I'm sure she will spread the word. I don't feel it is necessary for them to know. I feel they thrive on making me feel miserable and worthless.

Thanks. I have actually found some resources for counceling, but my job really isn't allowing for me to get there and I'm just so tired lately I don't even feel motivated to get out of bed to go to my appointment.

See my concern regarding "thinking too much about what we want" is do you think us having a family is contributing to filling a void that was left open during each of our childhood? I just have so much love to give, and up til now I have never found anyone I could genuinely share that with.

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Sometimes the only thing we can do is accept what we have no control over.

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Sam W
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Is it possible to also not let your sister know, or is she someone it's still important to you to have in your life?

As too "filling the void," I am not a psychologist, so I don't think it's my place to psychoanalyze you and your partners motives for wanting a family. I do think the desire, especially if you come from a toxic family background, to create a family full of the love that you wish yours had had is totally reasonable. I think many, many people, when they embark on life with a long term partner, do make conscious choices to try and avoid recreating the negative experiences they had growing up. But even beyond that, even if your happiness and your decisions are driven in part by a desire to fill the void and share your love with someone, that would not make them any less valid or any less OK. If you and your partner make each other happy, and you feel as though you can build a family together and are ready to do so, then you get to do that. Any underlying motives are only relevant insomuch as they effect the way you and your partner treat each other and your future child.


I'm sorry your job is making it difficult to get to your appointment. Do you know if there are resources that may be more flexible so that they don't become an extra burden on your schedule?

I also wanted to ask what kind of support system you have where you're living in terms of friends?

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BreakingSilence
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My sister will find out herself, because she is around enough to become suspicious, not to mention pregnancy isn't an easy thing to hide after a while :/

I'm not sure if other resources would be useful because there just isn't enough hours in a day [Frown]

As far as friends are concerned I have One. .. I maybe see her once a month. I haven't told her either, she'll probably think I'm insane. I was planning on telling her this weekend, but I'm not sure what she'll say [Frown]

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Sometimes the only thing we can do is accept what we have no control over.

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Sam W
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Ah I see. If she does indeed tell your family, are you comfortable with cutting off contact with them if they start to get unpleasant? As it sounds like you are independent, they don't really have anything tangible that they can hold over you to keep you from not speaking to them (you can correct me on this if I am wrong, BTW). So, it might be better for your well-being if you find ways to prevent their nastiness from reaching you.

I feel you on the lack of time. I think the resources MO was referring to was things like new/expectant parent groups. Going there can provide you with info on the nitty gritty pregnancy stuff, but it might also connect you to people who are going through the same thing you are. Is it work or school (or both) that is causing the time suck?

I would hold of on worrying about how your friend will react until you tell her. She may turn out to be excited or supportive. If she balks, then you get to say something along the lines of "friend, I know this is not the decision you might make, but it's the one I made." Hopefully, she'll understand and be supportive.

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BreakingSilence
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Hello,
You are exactly right. I don't talk to most of my family as it is. Most of the "important" one's know now. I knew I couldn't hide it for long.

Just work, I'm no longer in school, and I see what you mean now. There are resources for such groups in my area.

Thanks for all the support through out the years. It is much appreciated

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Sometimes the only thing we can do is accept what we have no control over.

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Sam W
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You're very welcome. I hope everything goes well and that you are able to find some good resources. And, of course, we are always here for support and advice if you need us.
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