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» Got Questions? Get Answers. » SCARLETEEN CENTRAL » Relationships » I suspect my gf has vaginismus, what should I do?

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Author Topic: I suspect my gf has vaginismus, what should I do?
gsw22
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I have a very frustrating situation and I’m hoping someone out there has some prudent advice because it will be much appreciated. I apologize for the length, but I feel that it is necessary to fully understand. My significant other and I have attempted to have to engage in penetrative sex at least 10 separate times over the past few months with no success. It feels like I am hitting a wall and then my penis just slips downwards, thus after doing some research I believe she has vaginismus. I have had prior sexual experience so I know what full penetration should be, whereas she is a virgin. In fact she has never even used a tampon. I offered manual or oral stimulation to get her used to having something there or at least see how far I can go without inciting pain, but she is not comfortable with that idea and hasn’t allowed me to. She thinks that I should just keep trying and push through any pain cus “sex is supposed to be painful at first” but I don’t feel comfortable seeing her cringe the way she does. Essentially my question is what would be the most effective plan of action? I figure at some point she will need to see a doctor/gynecologist, but im nervous that they won’t be knowledgeable about the condition given its rarity and that perhaps my first step should be something else. Ive heard that some people see sex therapist/ specialist but Im imagining that would pricey and not feasible for us at this time. Should I suggest dilators or kegel exercises at some point? I am trying not to stress about this too much when I think about how it could take years and any guidance, especially from those with experience, would help immensely.
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Sam W
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Hi Gsw,

I want to say first of all that it is good of you to back off when she's in pain because pain (and blood) and not the "natural" outcomes of one's first time.

My first course of action would be for her (and you) to take a look at this article:From OW! to WOW! Demystifying Painful Intercourse

I'd be careful about diagnosing her with vaginusmus from what you've read on the internet. That kind of diagnosis needs to be made by a healthcare provider. However, the decision to see one is up to her.

[ 11-06-2013, 09:24 PM: Message edited by: Sam W ]

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Robin Lee
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It's definitely understandable that you're not enjoying this experience seeing your girlfriend cringing and in pain, and her pain, plus you not enjoying seeing her in pain, are both reasons to back off from intercourse until you're both feeling a lot more okay with this.

To add to what Sam has said, if the two of you are not engaging in other sexual activities prior to intercourse, the chances that it is going to be painful or uncomfortable are pretty high. These activities don't have to be genital in nature; there are lots of sexual activities that people enjoy and that can help them feel aroused. Sex (and sex isn't just intercourse) is supposed to be fun for both of you.

I'm also hearing that your girlfriend has some beliefs that are going to make moving forward with this pretty difficult. First-time intercourse isn't "supposed" to hurt. Weve gotten a lot of cultural messages over time that intercourse, for the woman, hurts and is supposed to at first, but these messages are wrong. Yes, it does for some people, but it doesn't have to and it hurting isn't a requirement. When any part of our body hurts, it means there's something wrong; so, intercourse hurting means that something needs to change so that it won't hurt anymore.

It's also going to go a lot better if you both are fully aroused, comfortable, relaxed, and truly feeling ready for this, as something you're both enjoying, not as something your girlfriend feels she needs to just get through.


In addition to the article on painful intercourse Sam linked you to, I'd suggest both you and your girlfriend have a read of these articles:


What's Sex?

With Pleasure: A View of Whole Sexual Anatomy for Every Body

Ready or Not? The Scarleteen Sex Readiness Checklist

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Robin

Posts: 6066 | From: Washington DC suburbs | Registered: Dec 2011  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
gsw22
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Thank you both, these articles are very insightful and I will share them with my girlfriend as well.
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Robin Lee
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You're welcome. [Smile]

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Robin

Posts: 6066 | From: Washington DC suburbs | Registered: Dec 2011  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
   

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