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» Scarleteen Boards: 2000 - 2014 (Archive) » SCARLETEEN CENTRAL » Relationships » what to do

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Author Topic: what to do
7tinker7
Neophyte
Member # 108738

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Hey, so me and this girl have been going out for about a year and two months- we have broken up before over stupid little things, but have always found a way back to eachother, i recently broke it off, because we were fighting alot, and i love her so much that im scared if we had kept figjting things would go sour and we would never have a chance- so i basically broke up with her, so we havea chance of being together again, i want to marry her very dearly, and would do anything so we could have a shot, i was just wondering ifbbreaking up was the right thing to do.. I struggle alot with being trusting, i get jealous alot, im afraid of losing her to any other guy, next year we will be in different classes at school, we have been in the same class for 2 years and im afraid of how jealous i could become, i doht know what todo...
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nixieGurl
Scarleteen Volunteer
Member # 19081

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Hi there,

I'm sorry you are struggling with this right now.

First off I want to talk to you a little about the jealousy issue if that is ok. Why do you think you struggle so much with jealousy? The reason I ask is that sometimes its not at all about our partner and more about something that may be making you feel insecure outside of the relationship and it comes out in intimate relationships.

Jealousy can be a really destructive thing in relationships and it can often feel to a partner that you are feeling like you want some kind of ownership over them, which is not how a healthy relationship works. If it is a really big struggle for you then I would suggest that the break up is probably a good opportunity to explore those issues on your own and get a handle on them, because they will likely keep your relationships in future in this same cycle if not addressed. Know what I mean?

I'm guessing you are in high school from what you wrote here? If so you have a lot of time to take a step back before worrying about wanting to get married. Its great that you are really aware of these issues too, and even more great that you have come to ask for help :-)

How does your girlfriend see the break up? Does she want to get back together in the future? It might be a good chance to get on the same page as to what you both want.

I'm sorry to hit you with the hard questions straight away!

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7tinker7
Neophyte
Member # 108738

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she also wants to get back together aswell..
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Molias
Scarleteen Volunteer
Member # 101745

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It sounds like, if you're fighting a lot, what needs to happen before you decide to date again is for both of you to sit down and really talk about the issues that are causing conflict between you. See if you can't identify what those points of contention are and find ways to work through them. If you jump back into dating each other without addressing any of these problems, it's pretty likely that you'll find yourself back in the same place before too long.

Here are some articles about talking about/working on relationships that might be helpful:
Does Your Relationship Need a Checkup?
Be a Blabbermouth! The Whats, Whys and Hows of Talking About Sex With a Partner (mostly about sex-related communication, but a lot of these tips apply to relationships in general)
Hello, Sailor! How to Build, Board and Navigate a Healthy Relationship

Also, I'd really encourage you to work on some of these jealous feelings on your own; any time we're thinking about "losing" a person to someone else I don't think that's a really healthy way to approach relationships. No one belongs to another person, even if they're dating one another - your girlfriend isn't yours to lose in the first place. Does that make sense?

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7tinker7
Neophyte
Member # 108738

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So, I decided to break it off completely would be best- and its been a few weeks now, but I still feel I have feelings for her, I am trying to get over her, and if i dont think about her Im fine, but a few times it has happened that when we are alone we start to make out.. And i feel really guilty afterward, I feel like i gravitate toward her-because i miss the physical side of our relationship alot, but i miss being open to one oerson sharing everything with her.. I sont know what to do, or what i feel..
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Robin Lee
Volunteer Assistant Director
Member # 90293

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Hi 7tinker7,

It sounds like a tough spot you're in and it's understandable that you would miss the good parts of the relationship.

Perhaps it would help you feel less confused to remind yourself of why you did break up with her in the first place. From the posts above, it sounds like things really weren't going well and you weren't very happy at all. It does take more than caring about and loving someone to keep a relationship going.

It also sounds like the boundaries aren't very clear here. You two have broken up, but you're still in a position where you're seeing each other a lot, and spending time alone together, which makes it difficult for you to do your own healing and thinking about what you want and need. Is there a way for you to avoid being alone with her to help this be less confusing for you?


Heres an article we have on getting through break-ups:

http://www.scarleteen.com/article/boyfriend/getting_through_a_breakup_without_actually_breaking

--------------------
Robin

Posts: 6066 | From: Washington DC suburbs | Registered: Dec 2011  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
   

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