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» Scarleteen Boards: 2000 - 2014 (Archive) » SCARLETEEN CENTRAL » Relationships » Relationship starting with a 30 year old?

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Author Topic: Relationship starting with a 30 year old?
Member # 108770

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So I understand that these kinds of relationships usually don't work out and are not in the best interest of either parties but humor me and please do not judge.

So I have really started to like a coworker, he's 30 and I'm 18. I'm getting mixed signals from him. First he is being nice and telling me I can come over when ever I want (he never lets us be alone in the house there is always a roommate home.) and we go out and do small things like go and eat or shopping and go home from work together.

He hates letting me walk places on my own, and like to come with me places and I am best friends with his roommate. The only problem is either he feels wrong because of my age or he's not into me and its just part of his culture (he's been in Canada for almost a year, I've known him for almost as long) I don't know if he is flirting with me or if it just a cultural miscomunication.

Anyways, I know it doesn't make sense and I know I'm basically rambling about something that might not even be there, but I feel concerned.

So basically my questions are how do you know an older man is into you and also this would only be my second sexual partner, how am I supposed to go about feeling ready for it if it happens?

Posts: 1 | From: Canada | Registered: Oct 2013  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Scarleteen Volunteer
Member # 19081

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Hi AnnieJay,

I am just passing through here quickly but wanted to flick you a quick note. I can't tell you how to tell if an older man is into you because everyone is different, it may be that he is just keen to be friends and it may be that he has feelings for you. I am certainly not judging you at all here and this is certainly not an uncommon situation, however having been in a relationship as a teenager with an older person and having experienced how difficult that can be sometimes I always have concerns when someone comes here and tells us this. I am not going to tell you what to do, but just to think about the dynamics of a relationship with someone who is quite a lot older than you, it can be hard to see how things would be difficult when you get along with someone so well, but when that turns into a relationship it can open a whole lot of issues. Again, I am not trying to pressure you out of this, as it is your decision after all!

Per feeling ready to have sex with him, I think it might be a good time to slow down and take a step at a time before worrying about that. There is no rush and shouldn't be any pressure if you are not feeling ready to have sex yet or even for a while, and if there is pressure? Then that is not a good sign from the get go.

Posts: 657 | From: NZ | Registered: Jul 2004  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Scarleteen Volunteer
Member # 107716

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Hi AnnieJay! Welcome to Scarleteen! [Smile]

This is a safe place for anyone who wants to come here, so rest assured we have no intentions to judge anyone. [Smile]

You are right, sometimes this kind of relationships are not the best because simply someone being 18 and someone being 30 are in very different places, if you know what I mean? There is a HUGE gap in between. Almost the same between you and a 10 year old. So that puts some perspective.

I think when it comes to a relationship with an age difference - and I'm talking about two legally adults -, the first thing is that both parties should feel like equals. Nobody should be on charge of anybody, or feeling like they should be doing something because they are younger, you know? And that's what - in my opinion - makes this kind of relationships so tricky. Sometimes we could feel like we need to "act" more mature because our partners are older, but the truth is, you need to act your age, and live your age, and do the things you want to do and enjoy at your age. You said that maybe he is feeling "wrong" about your age, so that can be a pointer.

I wouldn't say that you are not making sense. I can hear this matters to you so that's enough for me. [Smile]

Per your question about how do you know if an older man is interested? Really, the same way you know how a younger man is: talking. And how do you go about feeling ready? Again, talking. For any relationship - age difference or not - open communication and HONEST communication is so IMPORTANT. Talking about how you feel, if you feel ready or not, if you need something to feel better, talking about boundaries and limits, etc.

I hope this answer helped you a little, but tomorrow more volunteers will be around and I am sure someone else will pitch in. [Smile]

[ 10-30-2013, 03:40 AM: Message edited by: Edith_* ]

"Whatever you do will be insignificant, but it's very important that you do it " (...'cause no one else will) -Gandhi-

Posts: 420 | From: Somewhere over the rainbow* | Registered: Jun 2013  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator

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