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» Scarleteen Boards: 2000 - 2014 (Archive) » SCARLETEEN CENTRAL » Relationships » Friend lost virginity in a not-so-ideal way. What do I say?

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Author Topic: Friend lost virginity in a not-so-ideal way. What do I say?
kiwiseeds
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Member # 41513

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My best friend lost his virginity last night.. After a night of partying, he left with a person he just met and they got it on in a hotel restroom. The guy attempted to have anal sex with my friend (with my friend on the receiving end), and it definitely went in all the way, though it wasn't enjoyable and my friend stopped and had him pull out. This all was consensual, though my friend is not very happy with what happened since his experience was not enjoyable. He asked me if that experience counts as him losing his virginity. I said it doesn't because I know that's what he wants to hear, but I do think it counts.. What do I do? What kind of advice do I give him? I personally don't think that losing his virginity in this way is a big deal, but I know losing it means a lot to him and he really wanted it to happen in a more special way. He's very distressed at the idea that he allowed himself to lose it this way. A friend told him that he definitely lost it and he got very upset and told me to assure him that it didn't count, so I did, only because I knew that's what he wanted to hear. I have no idea where to go from here... What do I do!
Posts: 3 | From: New Jersey | Registered: Dec 2008  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Heather
Executive Director & Founder
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I'd tell him that "virginity" is a social construct.

Definitions of it are and always have been arbitrary: in other words, if we were to define it universally, the best we could really do is to say it is a word that people use, when and if they use it at all, to express what they consider a first time at sex. There isn't a medical definition for this, nor any one universal definition. There are just people's ideas and opinions. Since sex is so individual and personal, anyone saying there is one definition of this is either putting their own stuff on someone else in a way that's not cool, or they're just misinformed, not knowing that there is no universal definition.

Since how people define sex varies, since some people think there's only one first time, while others think there can be many, how people define it is all over the place. He gets to choose if he uses that word and, if so, how he defines it.

he just would want to be sure, though, to be aware that from a sexual health perspective, sexual acts we have engaged in are sexual acts we have engaged in (that also includes when they have NOT been consensual). So, that means that with things like STI testing, or conversations with future partners about sexual history, this is something to mention in terms of health and risks. That make sense?

It might also be a comfort to him to tell him that regardless of whether or not he calls this a first time, or talks about it per virginity, first-time sex often is not best-time sex. Like most things in life, sex tends to take practice, and it tends to get more enjoyable as we go. I think it's safe to say more people's first times trying something sexual have been disappointments than not. And even after first times, this can happen. Our expectations about any kind of sex often aren't square with reality, sexual communication is something that takes a good deal of time to develop, and sex is about people and bodies, both of which tend to be remarkably unpredictable.

We also always get to try things again if a first time we tried them didn't go how we wanted. In other words, we get to keep trying, honing our skills, better identifying the sexual scenarios we want, etc, so that as time goes on, it gets more and more likely that sex we choose to engage in IS what we really want and does meet our expectations. [Smile]

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Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me • Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

Posts: 68290 | From: An island near Seattle | Registered: May 2000  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
kiwiseeds
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Heather,

Thank you so much for your reply! I had never really thought about virginity in that way, so I'm really glad that you've opened up my mind more about this. I'm glad I will have more of direction to go in when I talk to him more about this.

I was really freaking out a bit here. As much as I've felt experienced and comfortable talking about sex in the past few years of my life, this is definitely not a conversation I've ever encountered, and I really felt helpless in trying to comfort and give advice to my best friend. I'm glad people like you are here to help. I really feel like this is a safe space. Thank you so much for doing what you do!

Hopefully I'll be okay from here, but I'll reply back if I need more advice. Thanks again!

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Heather
Executive Director & Founder
Member # 3

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It sounds to me like you're being a really great friend here. Even having your own opinion about this, but being thoughtful enough not to put it on him is a big deal. Sounds like he has a really good friend in you and knows that. [Smile]

I can also give you a couple links, either for you, or to share with him, around this that might help:

• http://www.scarleteen.com/article/advice/how_could_i_check_if_i_am_still_a_virgin
• http://www.scarleteen.com/article/politics/magical_cups_bloody_brides_virginity_in_context
• http://www.scarleteen.com/article/relationships/is_that_all_there_is

--------------------
Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me • Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

Posts: 68290 | From: An island near Seattle | Registered: May 2000  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
   

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