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» Scarleteen Boards: 2000 - 2014 (Archive) » SCARLETEEN CENTRAL » Relationships » How do you deal with a relationship that technically never existed??

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Author Topic: How do you deal with a relationship that technically never existed??
nothingwasthesame26
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So... where to even begin... I will try to explain my situation without making it confusing, but there is really so much to even explain... I'll give the shorter verion though...

There is this guy I have known for a little more than 4 years now almost 5 and we have the weirdest relatonship. We always end up fighting and not talking to each other for awhile and then pick back up again like nothing was wrong and this cycle just keeps on replaying. I've noticed that since I have known him it always happens at the same times (like the same month, season, even sometimes the same exact day) and it may have something to do with the fact that I think he's bipolar because I know he takes medicine for it, but he's never actually told me that himself. Anyways, ever since I have met this guy there has been a strong attraction. We both just click. We have so much in common and really understand each other. That is why I believe we always come back to each other after an arguement. Mainly the arguements start because I get tired of feeling used... and then he basically blows off my feelings.

When we first met there was no sexual things going on between us. The most we would do is hug. There was a sexual tension between us though if that's not weird to say. After knowing him for 8 months we had sex for the first time. At that point I felt like I really was in love with him. He had all the qualities I was looking for in a guy. We had both been drinking though and he tries to act like he's this really good christian guy. Don't get me wrong I have nothing against that because I believe in the same things as him, but he basically made me feel awful after it happened. He said he was super drunk and didn't know what he was doing. I know I'm not him and can't measure how drunk he really was, but I know that was just an excuse, so he wouldn't feel bad because he knew what he was doing. He barely drank anything. Anyways after that our relationship was pretty rocky he had a few girlfriends and I was at the worst time in my life feeling depressed and alone. I started partying a lot and skipping school.

Fast forward to two years into knowing him and we started talking again after him and his girlfriend broke up. Usually before when we would talk I would have to text him or ask if he wanted to hang out, but he started texting me first and asking to hang out. I was trying to not get feelings cause I knew he was capable of hurting me. My friends did not like that he was back in my life like that either. The first night we started talking again he came & spent the night at my house. He slept on the couch though, so nothing happened. He started coming over a lot though & texting me a lot without me texting him first. He would even stay a whole weekend at my house. I felt like we were closer than ever before and like he really cared, but also while this was going on he was starting to drink alot & becoming an alcoholic and he would mix pills sometimes too. He was really depressed about the way him and his previous girlfriend had broken up. I didn't mention this before, but his ex-girlfriend was 16 and lived like 5 hours away from him and he is like 5 years older than her. It would piss me off because this girl and I were like the same person, but she was underage and far off. I think he only wanted her because she is a virgin.. and I know that's weird.

Pretty much we started hooking for like 3 months. Everything was going pretty good and my feelings were so strong for him. I had already felt like I loved him before and now I felt like I truly loved him. He knew how I felt too. We would talk everyday and say I love you everynight. We weren't in a "real" relationship, but it felt like we were. I took him with me to go to an amusement park with my mom and sister. He ended up meeting almost my whole family. That weekend is when I felt like it might turn into something real between us. He was acting like we were together. He was flirting big time with in me in front of my mom & even in public. In line for one of the rides at the amusement park I gave him a back rub because he said it was hurting and then randomly while we were in line he just pulled me into a long hug and didn't let go for awhile. After that trip he started acting weird. I think he got scared of his feelings for me because I know we both felt something that weekend.

We stopped talking for awhile after that & that realy hurt me. I knew I truely loved him after that weekend & he just pushed me away. When we started talking again he had gotten worse with drinking and taking pills. I was with him one night & it was pretty scary. He was not himself at all. He was yelling at nothing and kept glaring at me. Everytime I would go to leave he would all of the sudden say no I need you don't leave. I ended up getting him to lay down and I just layed my head on his chest and ran my fingers through his hair to make him go to sleep. It worked and I ended up falling asleep too because I was in his arms and our hearts were beating together and it just made me fall asleep..I know that sounds dumb...After that his parents were fed up with his drug abuse and told him rehab or he's kicked out. I went over to talk him into rehab because I felt he needed it and I wanted him to get better and also his mom thought I could convince him. His parents are really nice and consider me family basically. We ended up having sex, but I talked him into going telling him it would be okay and I would write him everyday and I didn't want to see him on the streets or dead. We talked about everything all night long. He told me he was scared of being with someone else in the future and thinking of me... which really confused me because I was right there... I would've been with him in a heartbeat and he also told me that I'm the only girl that has ever been this close to him and stayed by his side through all of the good and bad. There has been a lot of bad trust me. He was really scared of going to rehab cuz it was for a year and I was scared for him too because I didn't want him to forget me and I didn't want to lose what we had... I think he was scared of that too cuz he basically told me that.

He left for rehab and I was super depressed. He was my best friend and more and now I had to deal with him being gone. It was hard, but I did it... Also I couldn't talk to him at all because the rehab he went to wouldn't allow it... I sometimes texted his parents, but I didn't want to be annoying so I just limited it to holidays.. He ended up coming home after 6 months... He didn't want to stay in there that's why he came back. His mom was really mad. From what he told me of rehab it seems like it didn't help at all. There were still people doing bad things in there... Also my biggest fear of him basically forgetting me and what we had came true... We barely talked when he came back and everything was different. I felt like he was a different person. One night he was drinking and his mom kicked him out so I let him live with me basically for a week. I told him he could sleep anywhere and he chose my bed... Nothing happened between us though. We only cuddled a few times. Something could have happened, but he was drunk and I was sober and I'm not one to take advantage. After he left things got weird again. He started being rude and ignoring me. I felt awful because I love him so much and I'm always helping him and it's like he could care less. I just really missed how he was before he went to rehab.

Now to current time we aren't talking. We kind of texted and got in a huge arguement and I told him everything of how I feel nd how I can't do this anymore and how I'll always love him, but he was just like that's why I push you away, but it's hard because you're my best friend. Pretty much I'm just tired of the mind games... I miss who he used to be, but he probably never really was that person. I just don't know how to deal with all these feelings. I miss him a lot lately and I know we will probably end up talking again, but I just don't understand why he did everything he did when he knew how I felt and knew he didn't feel the same... I think he did at one time though.. Sorry for this extremely long post too. I know I said I would make it short, but this would not make any sense without the background. I just don't know how to deal with the fact that he won't give me a chance at a relationship when we basically were in one before he went to rehab. but he still just called me his best friend.. I just feel kind of used, but i still love him... [Frown]

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Heather
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So, you know, any ongoing interaction we have with someone is a relationship. You've had a relationship, and clearly one over some time now. Just maybe not what you or he, or someone else would call a certain kind of relationship or a capital-R relationship. But obviously, he's been very important to you, and that matters. I'm sorry you're hurting so much, this sounds painful, and like it's been painful for you for a long time.

You know, though, it sounds like this person has had a LOT on his plate. Substance abuse + mental illness is a seriously rough ride. And however you feel about him pre-rehab and him after rehab, if rehab helped him at all with substance abuse or addiction -- and sometimes that help can be just a start, liek recognizing addiction is rough and a problem, one rehab session is generally the start of something for people in recovery, not a finish, by any stretch -- then you've got to know he's likely feeling better in some ways and these changes are not only likely better for him, or will be, he's probably MORE himself now, or on the road to becoming that way, not less. (Even though it sounds like he's still really struggling with substance abuse.)

If you don't know, you might also want to know that it is often very difficult for people to sustain relationships they had during addiction after or during recovery. That's basically because those relationships from before tend to be associated with who someone was when they were using and a mess, and they can be really triggering, and make it much harder for a person to be in recovery and recover.

Ultimately, chances are good little to none of this is about you. Someone in the kind of space it sounds like he's in generally just isn't capable or willing of actually seeing other people outside themselves very well.

Really, I don't see trying to pursue or continue a relationship with him as at all likely beneficial, positive or healthy for YOU any time soon. Maybe ever, and I know that's got to sound awful, but I'm trying to be real here. From the sounds of things, this person just has a really long way to go before they're able and ready to have healthy, ongoing interactions with others, and also sounds like way before he even gets THERE, he has to take care of, and learn to care for, himself. In other words: long road. Probably a really, really long road.

Because of that. I'd advise you do what you can to let this go. To grieve it as you need to, but to recognize that it more than likely is just something that is in the past, won't go anywhere from here -- or if it did, probably nowhere good for years and years. It might be helpful to you in letting this go to just find a way to say goodbye to this person, and wish them the best, so that you both can move forward.

You probably also won't be able to get the answers you are understandably looking for. Ultimately, he'd have to have them, and it sounds like he's probably a long way from that kind of introspection and self-awareness, too.

Like I said, I'm sure none of what I have said here likely fills you with joy, but based on what you have posted so far, it seems like this has never been something that positive or healthy -- or even happy for you -- and doesn't appear like that's at all likely to change.

[ 10-23-2013, 01:00 PM: Message edited by: Heather ]

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Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
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Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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Heather
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I would also just want to leave a reminder here that we really don't want to second-guess someone when they say they did something sexual when they were not able to consent -- like when drunk or otherwise incapacitated -- or did not consent.

Obviously, you know this guy, and I don't, but when anyone, of any gender, says they did something sexual, or someone did to them, when they were unable to consent, we really need to accept and respect that, not dismiss or second-guess it.

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Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me • Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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Sam W
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Hi there,

I would say your feeling used, and confused is a totally reasonable way to react to this guy. Because, from what I can tell, he was using you. He seems to view you as someone who he can go to during a crisis but then completely ignore (and be mean to) when it suits him.

In the immediate moment, I think it's a good idea to focus on taking care of yourself. Here's a link to help you out with that: http://www.scarleteen.com/article/crisis/selfcare_a_la_carte

Beyond that, I think you might want to see his most recent cutting off of contact as an opportunity rather than a dead end. I know it can absolutely suck to lose a relationship with someone you love, but in this instance it seems as though the primary thing you lost was someone who treated you badly. So, it might be good to, again, take some time to take care of yourself, but also consider what, if anything, this relationship was really giving you.

[ 10-23-2013, 01:07 PM: Message edited by: Samw ]

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nothingwasthesame26
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Thank you so much Heather & Samw for your responses. The last time I spoke with him was kind of our end point. I told him how I felt and there really was nothing left to say to him. We haven't talked in about a month now and I do feel better about it. All of my friends and family tell me how unhealthy the whole thing was and I see that.... I'm just one of those people that has a hard time letting go of someone I really care for. I know I can't make him love me or care the way I do, but it sucks when he pretended to feel the same. It has gone on way too long though. I think I will try to just leave him in the past and do things for myself. I'm just scared that I won't stick to it. We always seem to end up talking to each other in some way. Also I think apart of me is sort of afraid of letting him go. I know that sounds dumb, but I don't want him to think I lied about how I felt or that I didn't mean things I said, but I guess I can't wait forever. I definitely don't want him to think I will always just be that girl that's there for him and easy or something. I have a lot of good things going in my life and he doesn't have much... That's harsh, but his own choices put him there. I'm not even sure how I got involved with him because I'm too smart to keep letting myself be treated that way, but love is weird. Thank you for taking the time to read my extremely long post though:) This has definitely helped me. Oh also, Heather about the being drunk and not giving consent thing, I never did anything with him if I was sober and he was drunk because I felt like that would make me a horrible person.. Maybe it was even worse that I would drink with him too and that's alot of how things happened, but sometimes we didn't even drink and things would happen. He was definitely sober when we went to my mom's also. He is a very complicated person that never wants to admit to any of his feelings but maybe that's just our personality differences... I should take in to consideration that he may really have been drunk the first night we had sex, but I also really do believe he used it as an excuse because he only had one beer and we didn't do anything until a few hours after he had that beer, But I'm not him lol so I guess I really can't judge on that. I only know I was drunk. Anyways thanks for the help though:) I think it's time for something new, and someone who truly appreciates me.
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Heather
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You know, personally I thin one of the very toughest things to learn in life, something that can get easier, but is always hard, and always challenging, is learning we can love people, but that doesn't mean it's best for us or them to be in relationship or in contact. To learn that sometimes, the very best way we can love and demonstrate love for someone else and ourselves is to say goodbye and go our separate ways.

You say part of you feels afraid to let him go: can you perhaps identify more about those fears and what they are? If you can, it might help you move forward some more and resolve some more of this for yourself.

Some of what I'm hearing is you wanting to assure he thinks certain things, or doesn't misunderstand your motives, but I'm willing to bet you've been pretty clear so far. And you know, we just can't control what someone thinks or how they feel: letting go of his assumptions or takeaways from you and this relationship may just be one big thing you need to let go of. If it helps to do that, you might bear in mind that holding unto that won't make him thinking what you want him to any more likely. It'll just make you more miserable.

It sounds to me like both of you were pretty rotten for each other, honestly, in the sense that it sounds like it may have been you both kind of connected in the places you're destructive or self-destructive. Do you know what I mean? If so, those connections and relationships certainly happen, and that kind of connecting or bonding can actually feel like a mighty deep thing. Meeting someone in our dark places is kind of a big deal, so is sharing and exploring those with someone. It's not often healthy, but it's certainly a thing, and can leave people finding it very, very hard to let one another go.

(If you're someone who finds films can help you get more clarity, I think the film Leaving Las Vegas is about the best example of this there is. It's a deeply upsetting movie, perhaps especially for any of us who have ever had those kinds of relationships, but it can help sometimes to see these things outside yourself, I find.)

I'm really glad to hear what sounds like you actually having a better handle on this than you seemed to present yourself as having in that first post (so cut yourself some slack, eh?), and certainly glad to hear that it sounds like you've got your eye on the prize per setting your sights on more healthy, more life-affirming relationships.

--------------------
Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me • Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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Sam W
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Like Heather said, it's ok to grieve for the relationship in whatever way helps you. As far as being worried about slipping back into contact: you can, as Heather mentioned, say goodbye one last time if it will help you. But after that, it might be helpful if you find a way to block further contact (block or delete on social networks, delete/block his phone number). That way, it will be much more difficult for them to pull you back into the old, unhealthy cycles.
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Sam W
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quote:
Originally posted by Samw:
I'm glad we could help. Like Heather said, it's ok to grieve for the relationship in whatever way helps you. As far as being worried about slipping back into contact: you can, as Heather mentioned, say goodbye one last time if it will help you. But after that, it might be helpful if you find a way to block further contact (block or delete on social networks, delete/block his phone number). That way, it will be much more difficult for them to pull you back into the old, unhealthy cycles.


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nothingwasthesame26
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Thank you I will try to watch that film. I never thought about this in that perspective Heather. We really have only connected on the dark and bad parts of our lives. I need to connect with someone that brings me up instead of down. Maybe we are not right for each other even though sometimes it felt like we were. There are just too many problems and complications between us. The reason I feel afraid of letting him go actually goes a lot deeper than just between me and him... I have had horrible relationships basically my whole life. My first (I guess what you could call) "real" boyfirend from when I was 16 hurt me pretty bad emotionally.. He was emotionally and mentally abusive. He was super controlling and I thought I was in love because he took my virginity. When we broke up he said horrible things to me out of anger that made me cry. He told me I would never get married or find someone that loved me because everyone would just use me for sex like he did. He also told me he was never turned on when we had sex and excuse my language but he said I was a fat ugly stretch marked bitch. I wasn't any of those things but I still let them get to me sometimes. Also he said I was a nasty hoe that fucks my dad. Sorry for the intense language just repeating what he said and I was disgusted when he said that becasue I love my dad and do not have that kind of relationship with him. He does not sexually abuse me and it disgusted me that my ex would even try to say that I would do that. I think I really fell for this guy that I originally posted about because he took away some of that pain from past relationships. I thought I had finally found a good guy when I first met him, and I saw the real side of him as time went on. I'm ready to move on I think I just get scared that I won't find someone or have the same connection with another person the way I did with him. Even though he wasn't the first guy I had ever slept with he felt like it? if that makes sense or he was really my first "real" love I guess... I'm ready to move on though and I just need to face my fears before they hold me back. Oh, and thank you Samw I belive I will block him from all the things I can just to for sure move on from this.
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Heather
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I'm so sorry to hear about your history of abuse and bad relationships, nothingwasthesame26. That first relationship sounds like it was beyond awful.

For sure, sometimes when we are coming out of that kind of history, a little bit better can look and feel like a LOT better. And as well, when we've felt a lot of pain, connecting with someone else in shared pain is actually a big deal and can be, in some ways, healing.

But again, that little bit better? Could be a LOT better, and you likely can still connect with other people in or around your painful places in a healthy context, with people who have their stuff way more together and are able to ALSO connect with you in other parts of who you are, you know?

--------------------
Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me • Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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nothingwasthesame26
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I completely get what you're saying:) I haven't ever really put it into that perspective. I watched that movie "Leaving Las Vegas". It was a really good movie. Although I'm not a prostitute I understand where that girl was coming from and how she felt. Trying to love and take care of an alcholic can be exhausting and hard. It actually kind of brought up some emotions in me because I remembered what it was like basically watching someone kill theirself slowly by drinking. I am glad that my person got help and isn't as bad as he used to be and didn't actually end up dying. I don't know if I mentioned this, but my person was suicidal.... He would take pills and drink in hopes of dying... One time he even texted me a picture with a gun under his chin and said to say a prayer for him. He really affected my life emotionally. Like I said before I have been there for him through many bad and good things. I guess really now I just have to get through the healing process. I still miss him a lot sometimes, but I read somewhere that it takes three months to really get used to a new lifestyle so I'm gonna try to stick to that and hopefully in three months I will be completely healed from this. It is very hard though, but I'm ready for better things.
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Heather
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I have a very hard time watching that movie, and it's obviously tragic as hell, but I do find that it's a pretty excellent illustration about those kinds of relationships, like the kind you're talking about, where people meet in their lowest or darkest places. Glad it was helpful for you.

This really sounds like ultimately, it has been a much more traumatic experience -- throughout, not just now -- than a beneficial one. It also sounds like a LOT of really unhealthy, even emotionally abusive or manipulative stuff was going on. And it's probably going to take you some time to heal from that, and I hope you can give yourself that kind of time and space. I'd say it may well take more than three months, especially if it's not something you're getting support or help with from others around you (which I'd encourage you to do), but for sure, that's a minimum for the kind of time we're talking, I'd say.

--------------------
Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me • Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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