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» Scarleteen Boards: 2000 - 2014 (Archive) » SCARLETEEN CENTRAL » Relationships » I like sex but I want a long-term relationship

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Author Topic: I like sex but I want a long-term relationship
JollyHolly
Neophyte
Member # 93955

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It's probably going to take me a lot of words to explain what I mean, so bear with me!

I would very much like to have a serious relationship with someone. I'm not interested in casual sex or hookups -- I want a girlfriend/boyfriend.

That being said, I also like sex. A lot. Especially with people that I feel a good physical and mental connection with (i.e., you're hot AND you're passionate about social justice, be still my loins!).

I meet most of the people that I go out with on online dating sites. I'm upfront about what I want in my profile, and I'm becoming decent at weeding out the people who are solely interested in sex with no strings. I don't have anything against casual sex, but it's just not what I want right now.

My problem seems to be... I often meet people who claim to want a serious long-term thing like I do. We'll meet, hit it off, and I won't wait very long to have sex, maybe 2 or 3 dates. I like sex, I don't see the point in waiting arbitrarily, and I also think it's important (for me, anyway) to see early on if there's going to be some sort of obvious sexual incompatibility. Anyway, so things will go great with these people for a few weeks, then suddenly they want to take a step back. I'd understand if we just weren't meshing well and they wanted to call things off all together, but instead they decide that they want to turn our beginning-of-a-relationship thing into a let's-hang-out-and-hook-up-casually thing. Which makes me feel badly about myself, as though I'm not good enough to date but good enough to have sex with.

This has happened to me with the last 4 people that I dated. I know that it might just be a weird coincidence or unlucky streak. (I had a month last year where I got stood up by 5 different people all in a row, which I've since chalked up to an unlucky streak.) I don't think that these people are necessarily being deceitful at the outset, so much as they're just changing their minds about what they want, or realizing that I'm not what they want long-term. But I can't help but wonder if it's somehow my fault for having sex somewhat quickly, like that somehow cancels out all of my "hey, I'm looking for a serious thing!" words on my profile. (Even though my last serious relationship began with sex on the first date, with a guy I met on a dating site.)

So I guess I'm not sure what, if anything, to do. I feel like if I keep mentioning that I'm seeking a serious relationship, I'm going to look desperate or clingy or something. Should I hold off on having sex, even if I want it? And if so, how long do I wait? Or should I chalk this up to another unlucky streak and proceed as normal? I'm just not sure if I'm missing something super obvious about my behavior that's causing this lately.

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Sam W
Scarleteen Volunteer
Member # 108189

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Hi JollyHolly,

That sounds really frustrating, especially if it's happened a few times in a row

It seems like you're being up front with what you want from a relationship, so I think your feeling that this may just be another unlucky streak is probably the best explanation for what is happening.

As for holding off on having sex, that's totally up to you. If you feel like waiting longer and seeing how that affects the relationship, then by all means do so. But it's also ok to keep having sex when you and your partner feel ready, rather than waiting for a set period of time to pass.

Does this help?

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JollyHolly
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Thanks for responding, Samw! You helped quite a bit. I really just needed some reassurance that I'm behaving like a reasonable person!
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Heather
Executive Director & Founder
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Just had to pop in to say that this sentence made me smile so much I think I just hurt my face: [Smile]

quote:
Especially with people that I feel a good physical and mental connection with (i.e., you're hot AND you're passionate about social justice, be still my loins!).


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Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
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Sam W
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You're quite welcome (I had the same reaction as Heather to that line, by the by).
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Molias
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Hi JollyHolly,

I think any time people start out dating, it takes a while for each person to evaluate the other as a long-term dating partner. It's just not something that most folks know right away, you know? Even someone you might really click with at first could turn out to be someone that you realize, a month or two into dating, isn't going to be the right fit for you for a long time. And I think that realization can come whether or not you've been sexual with that other person. It just takes a bit to learn enough about another person to know if you'll really mesh with them long-term.

What I'm thinking is that even if you weren't having sex with some of these people early on, you would probably be getting some of the same reactions, where people might date you for a bit and then let you know that they aren't really interested in taking things further. I don't think that reflects poorly on you at all; compatibility is about so much more than just whether someone's an awesome person or not. I've dated and loved plenty of awesome people who just didn't quite work out with what I need and want in a relationship, but it doesn't make them less fantastic people.

I think it makes a lot of sense for you to be up-front about what you're looking for in terms of a relationship. Dating often involves a lot of trial and error and I'm guessing that your few unlucky experiences in a row are just part of the great whims of chance and not a problem on your end. =)

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