Donate Now
We've Moved! Check out our new boards.
  New Poll  
my profile | directory login | search | faq | forum home

  next oldest topic   next newest topic
» Scarleteen Boards: 2000 - 2014 (Archive) » SCARLETEEN CENTRAL » Relationships » What am I even doing

 - UBBFriend: Email this page to someone!    
Author Topic: What am I even doing
devilwearsprada
Neophyte
Member # 71651

Icon 1 posted      Profile for devilwearsprada     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post 
I am currently in a relationship of three years. We live together and are quite close. However, I am still in touch with my ex whom I dated throughout high school. We text a lot and of course have not seen each other in years since I moved away 5 years ago. Sometimes I feel like I really miss my ex and like we have more in common than my current boyfriend and I do. I feel like I would have a better relationship with my current boyfriend if I stopped talking to my ex but I can't help it. It's weird, I feel like my ex is one of my best friends. I feel like a know better, and I would be devastated if my boyfriend texted his ex like I do. My ex and I never talk about anything very serious or sexual but I can tell that he cares (he has a girlfriend as well). I am disappointed in myself because I feel like I should be more mature than this. Sometimes I also struggle with my boyfriend's physical attractiveness, I know that sounds very very vain but sometimes I don't find him as physically attractive as I would like to. I love him a lot, but I am very confused and don't know why I always talk to my ex. I am worried because whenever I go to my old city to see friends (which isn't often) I always wish I could meet up with my ex. This could be something to do with feeling lonely in the place I live or maybe I am just unfulfilled with my boyfriend. I have no idea how to sort out how I am feeling and if I should act on anything. I don't want to hurt my boyfriend but I also know that I feel strongly for my ex. Is this just because my ex is comforting because he has been a part of my life for longer and is familiar? I have no idea what I am doing. Lately my current boyfriend and I have been considering moving to my old city. I am worried because my ex is there and I will want to see him. Any advice?
Posts: 11 | From: British Columbia, Canada | Registered: Jul 2011  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Edith_*
Scarleteen Volunteer
Member # 107716

Icon 1 posted      Profile for Edith_*     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post 
Hello there!

You know, I don't think there is something wrong with keeping a friendship with an ex. Just because a relationship didn't work romantically speaking doesn't mean that you automatically stop caring or having things in common with someone. And if your ex-boyfriend was someone positive in your life, then it's understandable you want to keep it as a friend. The same goes with your ex, you said he has a new girlfriend but that doesn't mean he doesn't care about you, right?

I think you really hit a spot with the last question you asked: "Is this just because my ex is comforting because he has been a part of my life for longer and is familiar? " Obviously, you are the only one who can answer that, but I think it is a very good pointer to where to start. It could be that you are feeling home sick and having contact with him makes you feel better, but it could be just that you really like him, as a best friend like you said. And there is nothing wrong with that, although I understand this is about how you feel and not about what I think. [Smile] Have you ever talked with your boyfriend about this? Do you know if he is or would be uncomfortable with you having contact with your ex?

On the other hand, I'd like to say that maybe it's a good idea for you to take a moment and think about what the relationship with your current boyfriend is giving you, and if you are happy with that. I say this, because you brought that up, and I think that no matter if you are keeping contact with your ex or not, being happy in the relationship you are is something important for YOU. I don't think it is vain if you say that you are having trouble with the "physical attractiveness" of your boyfriend, everyone is entitled to their needs and if you need to feel more physical attraction, then that's what you need. You also said "I feel like I would have a better relationship with my current boyfriend if I stopped talking to my ex"; personally I think that when we really, really like someone, there in no way that we could have a better relationship if it wasn't for "X" person, know what I mean? IOW, I am hearing you voicing that maybe you are not so happy with your current relationship and perhaps that is why you are looking for some "comfort"? What do you think about that?

I just want to say that, you having some doubts right now with your relationship doesn't mean you don't love your boyfriend. But also, I want to say that sometimes we get to love someone and still that is not enough to be romantically involved with them. And that, doesn't make any of us a bad person [Smile]

I hope this helps you a little bit [Smile]

--------------------
"Whatever you do will be insignificant, but it's very important that you do it " (...'cause no one else will) -Gandhi-

Posts: 420 | From: Somewhere over the rainbow* | Registered: Jun 2013  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
devilwearsprada
Neophyte
Member # 71651

Icon 1 posted      Profile for devilwearsprada     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post 
It has definitely crossed my mind before that perhaps I am unfulfilled in my relationship. The thing is though, that I can't be sure because I am just so completely homesick, lonely, and unfulfilled in this city that I think maybe I am blaming my boyfriend and our relationship for that instead of the real cause. He likes it where we live now, and I have been wanting to go back for years now. We are talking about moving back to my old city and I think that would make a lot of things better. Examples: my close friends are all there still, there's more things to do there, there are better jobs in my field there. But realistically I know that moving somewhere can't magically fix everything. Right now I put a lot on his shoulders because I am pretty much unfulfilled in all areas of my life and it is just easy to blame it on him. He wants me to be happy and has said that he will move with me so that we can have a good change, but now I am going in circles because what if it IS our relationship? I cannot figure it out. Should I move alone?
Posts: 11 | From: British Columbia, Canada | Registered: Jul 2011  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
devilwearsprada
Neophyte
Member # 71651

Icon 1 posted      Profile for devilwearsprada     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post 
Also yes my boyfriend knows that I talk to my ex and he is okay with it because we trust each other.
Posts: 11 | From: British Columbia, Canada | Registered: Jul 2011  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Edith_*
Scarleteen Volunteer
Member # 107716

Icon 1 posted      Profile for Edith_*     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post 
You know, when we are feeling unfulfilled in most areas of ourselves and lives, it's going to be hard to have a healthy and "fulfilling" relationship with "anyone."

I can't tell you if you should move alone or not, that is something that only you can answer, but what can I tell you is that taking the time and space to think about that, doesn't sound so bad. I know that being alone after a relationship of 3 years might feel scary to you - it sound's even scary to me - and I am not saying that this is the only way to make things better, but I really think that if we want to be happy with someone else, we need to be happy first with ourselves.

What about focusing in what you think YOU need to feel better with you? Besides the relationship with your boyfriend, what else do you think is really bothering you?

--------------------
"Whatever you do will be insignificant, but it's very important that you do it " (...'cause no one else will) -Gandhi-

Posts: 420 | From: Somewhere over the rainbow* | Registered: Jun 2013  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
   

  New Poll   Close Topic   Feature Topic   Move Topic   Delete Topic next oldest topic   next newest topic
 - Printer-friendly view of this topic
Hop To:


Contact Us | Get the Whole Story! Go Home to SCARLETEEN: Sex Ed for the Real World | Privacy Statement

Copyright 1998, 2014 Heather Corinna/Scarleteen
Scarleteen.com: Providing comprehensive sex education online to teens and young adults worldwide since 1998

Information on this site is provided for educational purposes. It is not meant to and cannot substitute for advice or care provided by an in-person medical professional. The information contained herein is not meant to be used to diagnose or treat a health problem or disease, or for prescribing any medication. You should always consult your own healthcare provider if you have a health problem or medical condition.

Powered by UBB.classic™ 6.7.3