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» Scarleteen Boards: 2000 - 2014 (Archive) » SCARLETEEN CENTRAL » Relationships » Want a Relationship

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Author Topic: Want a Relationship
Kathryn2425
Activist
Member # 107882

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So lately I've really been wanting a bf. I feel a lot happier when I have a bf and there's a guy that I've been in love with since I met him but I found out that he doesn't feel the same way so I've been trying my hardest to move on. I met another guy when I was volunteering last weekend and I just thought he was perfect dating material but then I found out he has a gf:( I really want to date but I also feel that I'm a huge turn off to guys and I don't know why. I've not been hit on a few times in my life and it was by really old creepers:( what should I do to pursue dating and is there anything I can do to make myself seem more appealing to boys? I know that I'm a very kind person and I don't feel that I'm bad looking at all but people think I have a really weird personality:( what should I do, any advice?
Posts: 118 | Registered: Jul 2013  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
nixieGurl
Scarleteen Volunteer
Member # 19081

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Hi there,

I'm sorry you are feeling this way right now. While reading your post here it really struck me that you don't sound like you are really having a lot of love for yourself right now. Having a relationship can be a great thing, but it is really important to first have some love for yourself in order to really enter into something healthy for both people. You don't have to make yourself more appealing to anyone, just as they don't have to for you. If someone wants you to change yourself for them and not be who you are then its not a good set up to be heading into.

I'm also wondering why you think you are better when you have a boyfriend? Is it a feeling of loneliness? Perhaps you could reach out to some friends and spend some time doing things that you really enjoy doing before jumping into something with someone?

The best advice I can give you is to really spend time getting to know who you are, learning to enjoy your own company and building your self esteem up while you are in a period of being on your own. It can really help for future relationships and a whole number of other things. I hope this helps :-)

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Kathryn2425
Activist
Member # 107882

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I don't know I guess I just feel better having a bf because I feel loved and wanted by someone. I don't have any time for any activities or anything outside of school because I'm so busy and I guess I just don't feel the same way when. I'm with friends as I do with a boyfriend.
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Robin Lee
Volunteer Assistant Director
Member # 90293

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Can you perhaps say more about how you feel when you're with friends versus how you feel, or think you'd feel, when with a boyfriend?


I also wanted to address what you said above about wanting to be appealing to boys. As frustrating as it can be, there's no way any of us can be appealing to all people. There's also no "boys," as in one single group who will all like and want the same things.

What makes us human is our individuality. I think it's pretty cool, actually, that we're all unique and have different traits and interests.

So, what do you think about instead making yourself more appealing to yourself? Do you like yourself as you are now, regardless of what other people say, or are there things you'd like to change about yourself--for yourself, not for anyone else?

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Robin

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Kathryn2425
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Member # 107882

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I'd have to say that when I'm with my friends I just don't really enjoy spending time with them because I don't really feel like they want me around that much. I usually tend to spend time alone on the weekends. I have always struggled with loving myself and I still don't love myself at all. I know that I'm nice and stuff but to me, that's just not good enough. I mostly started getting upset with boys after I asked 6 different friends of mine to go with me to our Sadie's dance just as friends and they all said no:( I really have horrible luck with guys, especially since all of my exes were abusive as well as they also cheated on me. I really just want to find a really nice guy and to be happy. I haven't felt happy in a really long time.
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Molias
Scarleteen Volunteer
Member # 101745

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Honestly, I think that when folks are in a place where they have a hard time loving themselves or feeling good about themselves at all, it's going to be really hard to sustain a positive and healthy romantic relationship at all.

You say you haven't been happy in a long time; have you ever gotten any support or counseling around any of these feelings? I'd really encourage you to look into that if you can. I think that any time someone's happier with themself that will tend to make other people notice them more positively, whether that's friends or potential partners, but honestly I think it's most important to get yourself help for your own sake, so you can feel happier overall no matter who you're dating.

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Heather
Executive Director & Founder
Member # 3

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I'd also pitch in that while abuse is never, ever the fault of someone who is being or has been abused, when we don't love ourselves is it SO EASY for abusive people to spot that -- I swear, it's like they have a magic radar or something -- find us, and suck us in, then exploit the hell out of it.

Those kinds of people also will often tend to be who choose us more than healthy people who aren't abusive, because they don't love themselves, either. And until we can have at least a decent, kind, caring relationship with ourselves, like Molias said, it's going to be difficult to impossible for us to be in healthy relationship with anyone. It is very, very hard to love and healthfully interact, in an intimate relationship, rather than a therapeutic one, with someone who doesn't love or like themselves.

And that's another thing people tend to have some radar for, seeing when someone treats themselves poorly, or feels poorly about themselves. And when people who want healthy, happy relationships pick up on that, they will tend to validly steer clear, because a happy relationship just isn't at all likely to happy with someone who isn't happy with themselves and by themselves to begin with. [Frown]

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Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
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Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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