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» Scarleteen Boards: 2000 - 2014 (Archive) » SCARLETEEN CENTRAL » Relationships » I really need some help ...

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Author Topic: I really need some help ...
TheCitizenErased
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Member # 31269

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Its been such a long time since Ive posted on here. I feel guilty that the only time I really come on this is to get advice, but the best advice around is found here haha!

This may be long.

I have the most beautiful and amazing girlfriend I could ever ask for. I met her several months after a break up, but she (lets call her Skye) walked into my life and made it such a beautiful place. We fell in love really quickly and are quite literally inseperable. We both want the same things in life, we both see a future with each other; something I have never saw with anyone. I say I have loved before, but now I truly question that. For me and for her this is it.

Before I met Skye, I went through a break up; as I mentioned above, which I would say was quite damaging to me. I went out a lot and got drunk, smoked far too much and generally had no desire to do anything. I had a one night stand which I can barely remember; something I have never done, or will ever do again. I have never felt so disgusting in my entire life. I spent my whole life saying "im not that kind of guy" and I went and done it. Iam still so ashamed of myself, because to me sex is a big deal and a relationship only sort of thing.

Anyway, a month or so after that incident I developed symptoms of HPV (genital warts). I was furious, ashamed, confused and my confidence was at an all time low. I went to my GP and everything got sorted out. However, my GP explained that I can still pass the virus on, something that I will carry with me forever. I was heartbroken, because I felt if i ever got close to someone again I was going to ruin it when I had to reveal the fact I had HPV.

So time went on, and I met Skye. Of course, I told her. She was okay with it, we both did our research on it and she said that to her it wasnt a big deal, although I could tell she was a bit apprehensive about it. Ever since then we have been uber careful. I did have one flare up of it, but like before I went to my GP. She has also been checked twice (no signs of it or anything else) since being with me as a precaution and is always on the look out when she washes etc.
However, the past month or so has been hell. She keeps bringing up the one night stand, holding it against me. She constantly says how "Im just like all the rest out there" and constantly argues with me about it. I try to tell her that it was a mistake, but she will have none of it. Now the whole HPV thing comes up, with her saying that she probably has it and that her life is ruined. She is a feminist, so whenever she reads or sees things that annoy her or upset her, she brings my stuff up and holds it against me, making me feel as if im a criminal. The thing is things are normally great between us, but when something comes up to remind her of the fact I had this one night stand that gave me this STD she blows up. She becomes irrational. She brings up things from my past, like finding a porn site on my laptop which was from long before I met her. The fact that I was a mess after my last break up, claiming Im not over my ex when I obviously am. She gets extremely insecure, thinking that I look at other women and claims that she will never be enough for me, which is nonsense.

She is a compulsive worrier with mild OCD and gets stressed very easily. Not only that, she is really insecure - thinking shes ugly and overweight when she is no where near overweight and is honestly extremely beautiful. I can understand that people are insecure, hell I am too. It obviously doesnt help when all of my issues get brought up; it just makes her worse. Im convinced that her worrying (not just about me) will drive her insane or make her extremely ill. Sometimes I think she would benefit from seeing a professional but she refuses whenever I suggest it.

Things are honestly great apart from that. We always talk about our future together and we have so much fun with each other. We have a really strong connection and chemistry and we both love each other. Right now though, its becoming argument after argument and its about the same old shit; my past. We have both said we need to stop it before it ruins us. The last thing we both want is for this to end when we have so much in front of us. She constantly apologises about how she is acting, saying that she is just taking things out on me even though she doesnt mean to and that she knows she shouldnt. She is honestly so loving and kind, but when she blows up, boy does she blow up. She says it bothers her because she cares so much and that she never, ever pictured me as the type to do that sort of thing (one night stand, porn). I guess her view of me changed. I just feel so guilty that she is so troubled by all of this and I feel its my fault.

To me this isnt an issue. I dont think about my past, I want nothing to do with it. I do however understand her worries with the HPV thing, but we are constantly on top of that and we are careful. Im just terrified its going to be too much for her and that she will leave. She has a lot going on right now; this is her final year at university and its so important that she passes. I know all of this is distracting her and I will not let this get in her way. I just want it to end and for us to forget about it and move on.

I just dont know what to do [Frown]

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Im Always Wishing Too Late ...

Posts: 68 | From: The Blue Planet | Registered: Oct 2006  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Sam W
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Hi there,

I'm sorry to hear you're having such a rough time.

You say that the arguments started about a month ago. Do you have any thoughts as to why they seemed to intensify around then?

You also mention that you both realize the constant fighting is bad for you both and that you need to stop. What do you think may be making it difficult for you to stick to that decision or come to a resolution that would mean that the fights about your past stop?

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Molias
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Member # 101745

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One thing I want to mention is that no one really has ownership over their partner's sexual past. We don't have to like everything a partner has done, either sexually or otherwise, but that doesn't give us the right to bring those things up as weapons, either.

I hear you saying that you are unhappy that you had a one-night stand, and that you don't want to do that in the future. It's ok if you don't think casual sex is right for you, and your girlfriend is allowed to have whatever feelings she has about that incident, as well.

What I really don't think is ok is her continuing to bring this up as a point of contention between you. It's up to the two of you how you approach safer sex in an attempt not to transmit your disease to her - and it sounds like you've been pretty careful about that so far - but other than that, your past behavior really has nothing to do with her, and to be honest I'm a little worried to hear that she keeps bringing it up. Your one-night stand wasn't something you did at her, especially since you weren't even dating at the time.

I hear you say that you want to figure out how to move past this, but it sounds like this is mostly something she is struggling with; I don't know that you can change her feelings or behaviors, here. You say your girlfriend has some mental health issues she's also dealing with right now but is refusing any help; it could be that if she won't get help for any of this that she may not be in a great place to be in a relationship at all, at the moment. Attacking a partner for their sexual history is really unhealthy for either person involved. My first thought is that getting some good mental health care for her anxiety issues, in a setting where she can also talk about this issue that's upsetting you so much (for good reason!), is going to be the best next step here, but if she's refusing any help at all then it may just be that she's not in a place where she can really be in a healthy relationship at all, at the moment.
Attacking someone for their sexual past is really not going to result in a healthy dynamic for either person. =(

I also want to note that repeatedly insulting and berating someone for having a one-night stand doesn't have much at all to do with feminism. I wouldn't point to that part of her identity as any reason for doing what she's doing.

Posts: 1352 | From: San Francisco | Registered: Jan 2013  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Heather
Executive Director & Founder
Member # 3

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I cannot possibly back up enough EVERYTHING Molias has said here.

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Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me • Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

Posts: 68290 | From: An island near Seattle | Registered: May 2000  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
TheCitizenErased
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Hey all, been a long day so this is me just checking the replies.

Thank you all for the replies and advice, I really appreciate it!

I agree with you 100% Molias. These are things I have mentioned to her. To me, it doesnt matter about her past or who she has been with etc. None of that is any of my concern or business and Im happy to stay ignorant to it. Even if I did know, I certainly would not hold it against her. Like you said we dont have to like what the other person has done, but there is no need for it to be brought up and used against the person. Thats pretty unfair in my book.

"...to be honest I'm a little worried to hear that she keeps bringing it up."

This is what irritates me most. At first I was not fazed by her behaviour, at the time I figured she was just feeling insecure about it and would get over it. However, now its pretty obvious it goes further than that. Now its the topic of conversation every few days or so, and its pretty tiring having to go through it all over and over and over again. I would love to forget all about it, in fact I actually hate being reminded about it. It just makes me feel even more guilty. Not only that, but up until a month ago this has not been an issue and she has never brought it up or spoke about it. It just came out of the blue.
I dont know if she has trust issues or feels as if its the sort of thing I would seek out. That, for me was a one off and I will never do it again. This decision is mine and mine alone; even if I didnt meet her I would not do it again. I just feel that Im paying the price for a really stupid mistake on my behalf.

Its definitely something she is struggling with more than me. Im happy to let it stay in the past. After all, I dont see how it is relevant. I say that to her all the time - "why does this matter?". Ive tried so hard to be understanding, calm and patient but its getting exhausting. To me breaking up isnt an option. I dont feel like its something that is standing in our way (maybe her way, but not mine). That makes this all the more difficult, because I feel okay yet she is the one struggling with it all. Does that make sense?
We are and always have been so open and honest with one another and we talk things through well, but this is something that has totally thrown us.
I feel at fault.

Im definitely not condoning her behaviour; I actually feel like shes being really childish, but she does have so many things going on at the moment that could be affecting her frame of mind. She has said before that she is beyond stressed out and that she thinks thats why she is taking it out on me. Right now all of her close friends stay pretty far away, so really I am all she has.
I understand what you mean about the feminism thing. What I meant was that it is an example of a "trigger" for her. For example, she will read things (she reads a lot of articles and goes to feminist society meetings) which get her angry, so in turn she takes it out on me and brings up everything I have mentioned above. Its really pathetic behaviour and I have told her she needs to stop it because I cant be held accountable for things she has read and gotten angry about.

I guess I just see her as being in a bad place just now; being really stressed and having some health issues, so she is inadvertently taking it out on me. I really love this girl and I want to have a future with her, I just dont know what to do.

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Im Always Wishing Too Late ...

Posts: 68 | From: The Blue Planet | Registered: Oct 2006  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Heather
Executive Director & Founder
Member # 3

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I wonder what you think about bringing this to her, since you are clearly committed to the relationship and saying something like, "Clearly, we need to resolve this. Conversation about this and focus on it needs to stop and stop soon: we need to be done. What do you need for us to resolve this?"

In other words, I don't see having things continue as they are as continuing a healthy relationship. "Taking things out on you," is something I hear her saying she's realizing she's doing, and that's good, but then the very next thing she needs to do is stop. Seriously, this has to stop. Maybe she does need help from a professional, and she might. But whatever she needs, sounds to me like you need to set a hard limit here, insist on working to resolution, and have the two of you make a plan for what that is, a real plan. That and getting a commitment from her that she is going to do everything in her power TO resolve this and stop treating it, and you, as she has been.

What do you think?

(FYI, you get to set other limits you may need, like insisting someone you are with who is having anger management issues and being emotionally or verbally abusive to you DOES seek out and follow through with professional help. They get to say no, obviously, but then you also get to say no to staying in that dynamic or relationship.)

--------------------
Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me • Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

Posts: 68290 | From: An island near Seattle | Registered: May 2000  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
   

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