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» Got Questions? Get Answers. » SCARLETEEN CENTRAL » Relationships » Family feels suffocating

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Author Topic: Family feels suffocating
Dovissary
Neophyte
Member # 108614

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A rant on family


I am in the midst of a judgmental community that while I love, don't feel like it can take much. My family pressures me to fit in, not to be different. I am not their religion, nor do I fit in with who they present as. As a result, I have to always maintain a mask, separate myself into different people to ensure that I am welcomed. I don't want to fake who I am, what my beliefs are, remember what I have said and not said and to whom. I am not perfect, I know I am frustrating but faking everything wears me down. I want to slowly move into who I am, not who they want me to be. Hurtful words, those cutting and painful are so common when they (mostly mother) sense I am in any way straying from the perfect path.

The path they choose isn't mine. I am my own person with my own thoughts. I enjoy debating and arguing. I am not argumentative, merely don't agree with every opinion. I work to let my views show, trying to get them used to the idea of me not being 100% identical in viewpoints but it only results in frustration and disappointment.

I dislike to a large degree the words that are used when I disagree. Not words that by themselves are wrong, but put together and said in the way they are leave me feeling hurt for days. I am not ignorant, unthinking, or naive (although I know in some ways I am). While I fully admit I make mistakes, equal rights for all orientations aren't one on them. Wanting to support what I believe in isn't a foolish choice as long as I do it wisely. The fact that I can be tenacious shouldn't be something criticized, as long as I keep it to a reasonable level.

Yet the elements that I feel are the true me, aren't problematic in wide society, but certainly among my family bring disappointment, disapproval, and disquiet. I don't want to be the cause of arguments, or unhappiness but I am not stable. "I" don't exist, another person does. A fake person, one whose smiles mean naught, whose every word must be filtered before she utters it, whose emotions are controlled to the point of being fake.

I am not sure it is a smart idea to post this, but I have taken what safety precautions I can, and if I get trouble for it I don't care now. "I" want to be able to not hide, not fake all that I am.

This is mostly a rant, but one I just want to put out to the world.

[ 10-20-2013, 01:07 AM: Message edited by: Dovissary ]

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“I forgot my purse of laughter when I dressed this mornin'," she told me. "Have you not bought anythin' the last few days? Prices have gone up. Pay or starve, it's all one to me.”
― Tamora Pierce, Bloodhound

Posts: 7 | From: A little part of a Southern state in the USA | Registered: Oct 2013  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
September
Scarleteen Volunteer
Member # 25425

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I am glad to see you posting here, Dovissary. I remember talking to you in chat a while ago, and I was fairly concerned.

I am sorry to hear how hard things are for you. Scarleteen is certainly a place where you can be yourself - we work hard to keep this place free of judgements and welcoming to everyone. And if there is anything else that we can help you with, please don't hesitate to ask.

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Johanna
Scarleteen Volunteer

"The question is not who will let me, but who is going to stop me." -Ayn Rand

Posts: 9187 | From: Cologne, Germany | Registered: Sep 2005  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Dovissary
Neophyte
Member # 108614

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Some of what I said in a more private setting I can not repeat here for fear of Identification if I say too much but Im unsettled. I want to drop the mask before I fracture. I will fight through, get past but I don't look forward to the thorns along the way. Past thorns that are still stuck in my skin, haven't healed over or really scabbed. It isn't as easy as people think to be free of the vines. It's a long process little by little that I am working on yet feel like they are coming back because I can only work to a degree.

I am working for change because I can't continue on looking over my shoulder every second, paranoid for a reason but stressed out.

[ 10-20-2013, 01:40 PM: Message edited by: Dovissary ]

--------------------
“I forgot my purse of laughter when I dressed this mornin'," she told me. "Have you not bought anythin' the last few days? Prices have gone up. Pay or starve, it's all one to me.”
― Tamora Pierce, Bloodhound

Posts: 7 | From: A little part of a Southern state in the USA | Registered: Oct 2013  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
   

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