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» Scarleteen Boards: 2000 - 2014 (Archive) » SCARLETEEN CENTRAL » Relationships » Sick of Being Single and College Hookup Culture

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Author Topic: Sick of Being Single and College Hookup Culture
jrd680
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Member # 108624

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I am currently a student at a Big Ten university. Right now, I am in a bit of a rut. For one, I asked a girl out from my History class for coffee. She agreed and I paid for her drink. After talking for 40 minutes, I then found out through conversation that she was dating somebody. Personally I took this as a huge red flag and carried on the conversation respectfully. Upon reflection, I figured we weren't compatible for one another and she was a bit selfish too.

I am a sophomore in college and the last time I was in a relationship was my junior year of high school for four months. I enjoyed being in a relationship then and frankly miss the feelings of companionship, closeness ,and mutual understanding.

Now that I am in college, it seems to be a whole different ball game. At my school, Greek life seems like a fairly big thing on campus and seems to dominate the social scene. I myself am not in a frat and have no real desire to join one. I'm not into the typically sorority girl types that dress scantily clad and are unable to hold a conversation. For a bit I could never imagine even dating a sorority girl but now realize that this would be close minded of me.

With that being said, I am looking for a longer term relationship. Hookup culture on campus seems to be very prominent and not something I'd like to be a part of. Nothing against people that do it but for me having dabbled in it, I kept feeling like crap afterword.

So in summary, I am sick of still being single and would love to share myself with another fantastic girl. I don't want to join Greek life but am wondering what outlets to go to that have other single people in them. Any help as always would be appreciated.

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From,
jrd680

Posts: 5 | From: Chicago | Registered: Oct 2013  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Heather
Executive Director & Founder
Member # 3

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Well, while that coffee date didn't work out, I think you had the right idea if what you're looking for is more relationship possibilities than casual sex possibilities.

In other words, I'd say continuing to try and meet people through your classes, or any special interest groups you're part of in college is the better route to go than via frats/sororities or parties.

One coffee date going badly mostly just sounds to me like dating. We often will basically go on a bunch of dates before we wind up meeting someone where we really connect, both want similar things, and find some real relationship potential.

You also, of course, also have the option of developing more friendships, and seeing what might happen that way -- and what you want to pursue romantically -- with people who start as friends.

Lastly, online dating is another option, whether you choose to do that looking for people who go to your school or don't. Chicago is a big city (yay for my hometown!), where most people take public transit, so no one is stuck only dating people who live within a mile-radius of them, so your dating pool is a big one, and you may well find this works or feels better for you when you widen your net to others besides fellow students.

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Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
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Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

Posts: 68290 | From: An island near Seattle | Registered: May 2000  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Heather
Executive Director & Founder
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(I do want to note that I'm pretty certain all women in sororities don't look like women in porn in sororities and dress all different ways. And that some, if not most, assuredly have the ability to engage in conversations.

That's not to say that has to be who you date or want to date, just that I'm sure anyone here voicing preferences with people like this can find a way to do it without leaning on stereotypes or putting anyone down. Thanks!)

[ 10-15-2013, 05:21 PM: Message edited by: Heather ]

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Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me • Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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Molias
Scarleteen Volunteer
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Honestly, I think the way people find relationships is the same way they create friendships or other social connections: by meeting and interacting with interesting people. If you're involved in clubs or activities outside of class, those are places where other members presumably already have a shared interest or connection you can build off of. If you aren't really involved in much right now, joining a group or two might be a good idea.

I would warn against approaching an activity as just a place to meet dates, but the more people you come in contact with and make connections to, the more likely it is that one of them will be someone you want to date.
You may be seeing a lot of casual dating/hookups on your campus, but that doesn't mean there aren't plenty of people who are interested in the same kind of relationships you're into as well! And the only way to know is to strike up conversations with people you find interesting and see where they take you.

Another thing I'd suggest is to be pretty clear about date vs. non-date interactions - it's pretty common for folks to get non-date coffee, and if you specifically say "would you like to go on a date with me sometime?" vs. "would you like to get some coffee?" then you may be able to avoid a situation where you think you might be on a date and the other person thinks you're just hanging out as friends.

Posts: 1352 | From: San Francisco | Registered: Jan 2013  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
jrd680
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Member # 108624

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Thanks from both. I definitely agree that I should look into joining an RSO or two on campus to get involved and meet more people with similar interests to me. I will definitely work up the courage to go on more dates since the worst that can happen in asking is that the girl says no. Thanks for your kind responses too Heather and Molias.

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From,
jrd680

Posts: 5 | From: Chicago | Registered: Oct 2013  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
   

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