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» Scarleteen Boards: 2000 - 2014 (Archive) » SCARLETEEN CENTRAL » Relationships » Can I Get Help Sorting This Out?

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Author Topic: Can I Get Help Sorting This Out?
Member # 94166

Icon 1 posted      Profile for Rhizome2     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post 
Back in the beginning of August, I had training for the service program I'm currently in, where a group of us spent time together in a hotel while getting an official orientation to the job. During this time, I hit it off really really strongly with this girl who I was in the same program with. We serve in different parts of the state, about 45 minutes apart, but we had two to three weeks where we were together constantly for the orientation.

The biggest thing is, I've never hit it off with someone as fast as I did with her ever before.

In the course of a couple weeks, we went from meeting each other offhand to sharing really deep and intimate aspects of ourselves with each other in conversation. And then we wanted to start a physical relationship with each other.

She was specifically not looking for a relationship, at all, with anyone and I wasn't really either, so I felt okay with that in the beginning. The thing is I was pretty blown away by how fast we progressed and she stated she felt the same way. We'd talk almost every single day over the internet when we were apart. We have a ton of similar tastes and interests. I feel really really attracted to her and I really really like her a lot.

The kicker is for the past year I've been on an emotional roller-coaster as far as my life goes for reasons related to my family, a struggle in job searching until just recently, and now a big transition of moving out on my own to work at a job that has its own frustrations.

In the first few weeks I met her, I was emotionally decent and happy enough, but then as I was dealing with more and more, my mood nose dived and it's definitely effected how I've interacted with her. The two times we tried to have sex, I was either really anxious and nervous and I couldn't maintain an erection and things went downhill afterwards. We also only get so much time together. And what time we do get together is often overshadowed by the fact we spend it in the company of mutual friends and coworkers, with little chance to talk alone.

A couple weeks ago, when we met together with friends after not seeing each other for a while, she was really cold and standoffish and eventually when I got a minute alone with her, she talked about how she was getting too emotionally involved with me and didn't want a relationship. I was a bit upset and intoxicated that night, but we talked on the phone the day afterwards, agreed to some space and the next couple times we met, things were pretty okay. I met with her alone one Saturday and we talked very well and she said she still liked me but that, once again, she wasn't ready for a relationship. I agreed, and that I probably wasn't either, but I ended the conversation feeling a lot better about us.

Then last week, we had another job-related activity together and I was really depressed for reasons stemming from my family, so I ended up acting all weird around her, and I think I confused her. I was just despondent and mostly non-talkative through the two days we were together that week and she got all cold around me again.

So things have been awkward again and I haven't seen her in person since but we've offhandedly talked over the internet, but it's mostly just empty chitchat and it's usually really brief and I don't know what to say most of the time to carry the conversation.

I might see her coming up on Monday and it's guaranteed that we'll be seeing each other for the rest of the year. I want to talk to her. How do I unpack my feelings or know what to do or say?

Posts: 16 | From: Pennsylvania | Registered: Jan 2012  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Scarleteen Volunteer
Member # 19081

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Hi there,

It sounds like you are having a really rough time at the moment and that it is a good idea to take some time to yourself before getting into a relationship. It also sounds like this girl is feeling that a relationship is not right for her right now too and its great that you have both been able to talk about that openly to each other.

I think the best thing you can do is just be yourself when you see her, if things seem strange you could just explain like you have here that things are a bit rough for you right now and so any coldness she had felt from you was not intentional and that you really do enjoy talking to her.

You could flick her an email before you catch up if that is less awkward?

It may be that she just wants a bit of space and it may be that she is just unsure of what you are feeling, communication is probably the best thing right now.

I'm sorry to have not been much help!

Posts: 657 | From: NZ | Registered: Jul 2004  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Scarleteen Volunteer
Member # 107716

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Hello there Rhizome2!

You know? When it comes to relationships there isn't a specific formula to know how do to anything. People is so different one to another that it would be quite impossible to make something work for everybody. I'm saying this just because I don't think I can say much about "how do you unpack your feelings" towards someone else. The way I would do it could be totally different from the way that would work for you.

You said that this is a person with who you "hit it off" very fast, and looks like having deep conversations is something that you already have done, and also enjoyed, did I have that right?

What I really think when it comes to conversations like this, when you want to speak about how you feel, it certainly can be pretty scary to somehow get vulnerable because you don't know what the other person will say or how will react, but the only way to know it for sure? just doing it. (if that is what you really want), I'd only be careful with expectations, if you want to talk with this person and let them know about your feelings, I would only advise to do it because you *really* want to do it and not because you are expecting a specific response.

I hear you -very clearly - that this is a relationship you want to keep, and I think you did an *amazing* job putting your feelings and thoughts into words here, so, if you ask me: I think you already have it in you. [Smile]

Hope this helps a little [Smile]

[ 10-19-2013, 03:53 AM: Message edited by: Edith_* ]

"Whatever you do will be insignificant, but it's very important that you do it " (...'cause no one else will) -Gandhi-

Posts: 420 | From: Somewhere over the rainbow* | Registered: Jun 2013  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator

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