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» Scarleteen Boards: 2000 - 2014 (Archive) » SCARLETEEN CENTRAL » Relationships » Boyfriend won't go down on me

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Author Topic: Boyfriend won't go down on me
Member # 108561

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My boyfriend and I have been together for almost 5 months. I have given him blowjobs, starting around the first month of our relationship. He has fingered me, but never until I orgasm, and never for very long. I have brought up the subject, and he has said three times that he will go down on me, but so far, he hasn't REALLY... He said he gets freaked out because he doesn't know what to do. I think I need to guide him, but I don't know how. I don't want to feel like our relationship is always unbalanced in terms of sexuality, but I don't want to bring it up again. Does he THINK he is going down on me? I really need advice.
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Robin Lee
Volunteer Assistant Director
Member # 90293

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Hi M.L. and welcome to Scarleteen,

Can you fill us in on what you mean by feeling like the relationship is unbalanced in terms of sexuality?

have you talked with your boyfriend, in detail, about what you would like to do sexually? It sounds like he may not be very clear on what it is you would like to happen, and that maybe you're not very clear on that either.

Often, to get what we want sexually, we need to be able to talk about that, and to find out whether it's something your partner is interested in and willing to do with you. If they're willing and interested, great; if not, sometimes a compromise can be reached, and sometimes that sexual activity is just not going to be part of a relationship.

What i'm hearing here is that you've told your partner some of what you'd like, but that the two of you haven't had a really in depth conversation about that.

How is your communication about other things besides sex?


Posts: 6066 | From: Washington DC suburbs | Registered: Dec 2011  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Member # 108561

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Hi Robin, thanks for the reply.
What I mean is that whenever we "fool around," I feel like I am giving more than I am taking; I go down on him until he finishes, but he does not do the same to me -- he just fingers me for a little and then stops.
I have not talked about this in a lot of detail, apart from saying that it feels unfair that he doesn't go down on me. When I said this, he told me he would. However, he sort of avoided the area with his mouth. I brought this up to him, and he said he felt like he would do something wrong, and got freaked out. I told him I understood, but that I was not going to judge him or get mad at him at all. But the next time we fooled around, he just did the same thing.
I know I should bring it up in the moment, and tell him what I want and what feels good, but I always get too nervous and feel awkward.
Our communication besides about sex is good -- although I can tend not to say things until they really bother me, but I'm working on it. Otherwise, I trust him a lot, and I feel comfortable talking about almost everything with him.

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Jacob at Scarleteen
Scarleteen Volunteer
Member # 66249

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Hey M.L.

I'm sad to hear what you two are going through. It sounds like this could be frustrating for the pair of you.

I'm seeing that it might also be an option that he simply doesn't want to go down on you and so he might be avoiding telling you something like that.

Have you considered what you might do if he took cunnilingus off the table because he felt upset by trying it?

I'll say that for me the check list of stuff to do or avoid in bed goes like this, in order of priority:

1. Avoid the stuff that any one person doesn't want to do, of those having sex.
2. Do stuff that (regardless of what else happens) everyone involved wants to do.
3. Avoid the stuff that both people want to do on the condition that a thing in category 1 happens
3. Do stuff that everyone involved wants to do on the condition that a thing in category 2 happens

I don't know if something so formulaic could be helpful for you guys or just confusing... but it is a very useful thing to go for. If you're uncomfortable engaging in fellatio with your boyfriend unless he goes down on you, and if he really doesn't like doing that it would probably best that you guys stepped back from either of those things and did things the pair of you liked.

On the other hand we don't know for sure what's motivating or deterring him, given what isn't being communicated. I would recommend perhaps assuring him that nothing terrible, just a switch up in what acts you do, will happen if this is something he's not comfortable with. Hopefully that would invite him to explain what's going on in a little more clarity.

If he's just really confused about female sexual anatomy and what will feel good and so on... I would recommend some of our articles to him. These are the ones which came to mind for both of you to start with:

Posts: 694 | From: Leeds UK | Registered: May 2011  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Member # 108561

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Thanks so much! I'll start with this, and hopefully we can work it out.
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Executive Director & Founder
Member # 3

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We also have a couple advice columns per people in similar situations:

Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me • Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

Posts: 68290 | From: An island near Seattle | Registered: May 2000  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Member # 108603

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He could just either be waiting for the right moment, he isn't comfortable, or he changed his mind about going down on you. Whether he does it or not, you need to respect his decision. No means no.

Posts: 4 | From: Canada | Registered: Oct 2013  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator

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