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Author Topic: I'm not fully understanding
Eurythmics
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Member # 108671

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I’m not sure how to deal with information I received from my boyfriend. I was shocked a little bit, but I never judged him at all. I’m finding it harder and harder to process and understand. I’m unsure how someone can process information that he did tell me, what he confided in me. I’m thankful that he trusted me enough to share what he did.


(I however almost had an experience to experiment with a close friend. In the end we decided not to go ahead due to our friendship and how it would affect our two other close friends. That however was a few years ago.) So I understand a little bit...


He shared his most secretive intimate part of him, which caught me off guard. I wasn’t expected it from him. I tried not to react because he asked me, “did I make you feel uncomfortable?” so I had to say something. He shared with me that he has had sex with a man before that he’s experimented with a couple. I’m glad he was open to tell me, and then it just got slightly awkward when he continued explaining he didn’t have a sexual attraction towards men but the physical part (masculine) that he never felt emotional towards the same sex as he does towards females sexually and emotionally. This to be honest confuses me and maybe that is why I’m finding it hard to understand.

[ 10-14-2013, 04:26 PM: Message edited by: Eurythmics ]

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Heather
Executive Director & Founder
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Welcome to the boards, Eurythmics (and with the name of one of my very fave bands from when I was in middle school and high school, no less!).

Can you fill me in on why you think you feel confused by what he shared? That seems like it might be the best place for us to start.

--------------------
Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me • Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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Eurythmics
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Thank you for replying.


Yes, well wouldn’t you be caught off guard by that information? It’s not that I disown him; maybe the timing was a bit different. I should be okay with that kind of information, I really should but I’m not. I think it had to do with when I was laying beside him on his bed. That I was curious as to why he’s so sexual in nature (not that it’s a bad thing) then he tells me this, kinda throws someone off. (I didn’t ask him why he had boners all the time)


I find he is sexual; it’s not a bad thing at all. I guess the confusion started with his boners that he got when I was around. Which of course I asked myself, “can’t guys just control it,” then I asked a close friend which she explained her boyfriend is the same way; with boners. So, I’m like okay.


(I’ve never been in a relationship, other than 4 years ago; so this whole dating thing is relatively new to me. Just had flings here and there. I also am cautious of doing something stupid. Right now our relationship has been pretty open maybe open-minded to ideas.)


I might have a slight fear of him asking me about threesomes. But that has already been addressed. He told me since I’m his girlfriend I have the right to know about that kind of thing (it’s not like I’m going to ask, “hey how many sexual partners have you had?” because I won’t) about his experimenting. I mean, yes it’s private, but on the same level I don’t know why he told me nor would I have asked.


I’m just confused on the whole; I’ve slept with men and experimented with a couple. I’m really not sure why. He is bi-curious and he has no desire to do anything else because he’s (involved) with me in a relationship, that he has a girlfriend (myself).

I feel I’m his experiment because we’re dating… but he also has a strong interest in me as his girlfriend.

[ 10-14-2013, 06:28 PM: Message edited by: Eurythmics ]

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Heather
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Well, no, I personally wouldn't, but a) sexuality is my job, and b) I've been queer my whole life, so. [Smile]

But I'm not you, and you don't have to be me. You had the reaction you did, but I asked if you had a sense of why so I could try and understand you in this and see how I could help. There's also no should here: how you feel about this is how you do.

But to debunk a couple myths or misunderstandings I'm seeing here, as that might help:

Someone being bisexual, or having sexual partners of more than one gender doesn't mean they are more, or less, "sexual" than anyone else.

Someone having that orientation -- if it's his, I don't know how he identifies and with what language -- or that experience also doesn't mean they want threesomes. Being attracted to and sexually interested in more than one gender, having sexual partners of more than one, that doesn't mean someone wants more than one partner, of any gender, at a time. If people do or don't want to be monogamous, or polyamorous, or have relationships be open: that also isn't about orientation. People of every orientation vary with those wants and preferences at any given time.

Per why he shared his sexual history with you, only he can answer that, but it is something lovers do typically share to some level at one time or another. Perhaps you have also shared some of yours?

Can I ask why you feel you're his experiment? An experiment in what?

--------------------
Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me • Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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Eurythmics
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He has told me he is emotionally attached. That he has an emotional attachment to myself.


I did share this: (I however almost had an experience to experiment with a close friend. In the end we decided not to go ahead due to our friendship and how it would affect our two other close friends. That however was a few years ago.) What I wrote above; with him. He didn’t say much.


So typically lovers share that kind of thing, because we’ve been dating for 6 weeks. Is that possible for someone to date and just tell the person that sort of thing? Because I did ask him why he felt comfortable telling me, his response was: he felt comfortable telling me, I’m easy going, he can trust me and I’m his girlfriend.


I’m not sure why I feel I’m his experiment. It feels that way but most of the time it doesn’t at all. He had shared something with me. A conversation of something was talked over in text messages then in person. I think I surprised him with my response. He has a thing for anal sex and asked later in the future if I would be okay with a strap-on. Which I said, I would experiment with it, which I am fine with doing that. When he asked he addressed stating, not now but later on if it does happen (or something) which he thought I wouldn’t which he wasn’t going to pressure me, but I don’t mind trying new things. So, when we did talk about it in person he wanted to know that I was serious, which I was.


There’s something that is very “similar” between us in what we like. But, I haven’t been able to tell him, not sure why. I also don’t want it to be focused on those things, which our relationship hasn’t; it’s about spending time with one another. Just these subjects have come up.

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Heather
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Well, obviously it's possible for someone to date and just tell someone what he told you because that's what happened, right? [Smile]

I'm wondering if some of what you're saying in this last response is that it feels soon for him to be sharing sexual things with you to you.

You say you've been dating for six weeks: has that dating yet included engaging in any kind of sex? If so, then I'd say that talking about sex and sexual history is on the timeline you've got going because sex is part of your relationship.

But if you haven't been sexual together yet, or that's not even on the horizon at this point, then I can certainly understand this stuff feeling like it's coming out of left field and feeling too soon.

(I'm assuming when you say 'those things" in your last sentence you mean sexual things: if I'm off the mark here, let me know what you did mean.)

--------------------
Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me • Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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Eurythmics
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We had met and hung out about 2 times, and then I went to his place for the night during that time. We engaged in sex, yes, a week and half later of meeting (with hanging out twice outside of College) then we went with a period of roughly 4 weeks without engaging in sex. The reason was I told him I’m yet waiting for birth control but condoms are fine. So he respected that so we never engaged in sex for 4 weeks. I told him condoms are fine when having sex, it’s protection and if used right. I told him I was fine with condoms for one method.


We don’t really have sex like we do but it’s not every time I am over and spending the night. We usually go to bed, cuddle or whatever but not engage in sex. I am fine with that. I mean I don’t really need sex to be completely honest. I’m going to express to him that we should wait till my birth control is in my system, which I’m waiting about a month and half after that just because it needs to be checked if it’s in correctly and no issues with it.


Another thing that scared me was the fact his penis wasn’t circumcised. Which threw me off a little, because I didn’t know what to do…


So like, after that first encounter we never had sex for 4 weeks and sex isn’t at all a big part of our relationship. I just don’t really want it to be.


Yes, when I said those things I do mean sexual things.


Just do people really explain their sexual partners like that to someone that early? I wouldn’t care at all how many sexual partners he has had or hasn’t, as long he is checked. I’m not going to police him and ask him, it’s a touchy thing to ask someone that. Also, why do people tell their girlfriend those things (sexual encounters and what kind)?

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Heather
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If you'd like some information on uncircumcised penises -- really, no need to be intimidated -- you might want to check these out:
• http://www.scarleteen.com/article/advice/is_my_foreskin_normal_how_does_it_work
• http://www.scarleteen.com/article/body/shown_actual_size_a_penis_shape_size_lowdown
• http://www.scarleteen.com/article/body/anatomy_mans_best_friend_male_sexual_anatomy

Maybe what needs to happen here is for you to express how much you want sex to be a part of your relationship? It sounds to me like some of what is happening here is that you're feeling like it is being overemphasized per what YOU want, in terms of engaging in sex, talking about it, or both.

You get to have your preferences there, and he gets to have his: you two just need to each make clear to each other what you both want, what you both need to feel comfortable, and, if those aren't the same things, see if there's a way to meet in the middle that still works for you both.

Yes, some people really are just very candid with partners about their sexual histories. And some people like to share that, it's part of intimacy for a lot of people to share parts of their life history, and our sexual history is a part of that. As to why, specifically, this person told you, you'd have to ask him yourself, since everyone won't have the same reasons for sharing.

Btw, because you did engage in sex pretty quickly after getting together, he might be assuming that your pace with sex, and with sharing things about sex, is quicker than it sounds like it is or you want it to be. So, that might be something to talk about together, too.

--------------------
Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me • Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

Posts: 68214 | From: An island near Seattle | Registered: May 2000  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
   

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