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» Scarleteen Boards: 2000 - 2014 (Archive) » SCARLETEEN CENTRAL » Relationships » Long time crush

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Author Topic: Long time crush
Member # 108380

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So I have had this crush for this girl, let's just call her "Cupcake" for now (I could really go for something sweet right now lol), for some years now (I am 22 by the way) and I was wondering if it was weird to still have a crush for someone you knew back in the 8th grade? I've heard of people still having feelings for people they knew back in high school but never pre high school, well at least I haven't.

Even though Cupcake and I had never spoken to each other it was pretty obvious even to other people in our classes that we really liked each other. Only problem was that the both of us were the shy and silent type. This was especially true for Cupcake who very rarely said a word (I've only heard her speak once). She would keep to herself most of the time. I found her very interesting especially since we were both pretty introverted in comparison to everyone else. We pretty much spent the whole school year smiling, flirting, and gawking at each other and then I got the news I would be moving so I finally summoned up the courage to talk to her but by that time it was the last couple of days of school and she had stopped coming since finals were over.

Now I am trying to get in contact with her and am 90 percent sure I have found her home phone number after finally getting the idea to use the yellow pages website. Haven't called yet because there are still some things I need to do in case she happens to say yes which I know is highly unlikely. She doesn't live far as we only moved one state over and it would only take a little over an hour to drive there so it wouldn't really be a long distance relationship. I just don't know what I should say when she answers the phone or if her parents do first (scary) or how to remind her of me if she happens to have forgotten about little old me.

I've never been on a date before so I also don't even know where we would go and from what I hear girls don't like it when the guy asks where to go on the first date. An article I read said that some place simple like a coffee shop is good on a first date so you can get to know each other but not everyone likes coffee so I was thinking maybe ice cream at Bruster's or Dairy Queen? I am also worried that the fact that I don't have a job at the moment might put her off. I am currently in college and do plan on cracking down on finding a job after I graduate next May but it is hard finding one now that fits in with my classes schedules.

Sooo what do you guys think? Wow. Didn't realize I had typed so much, sorry.

Posts: 4 | From: Georgia | Registered: Aug 2013  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Jacob at Scarleteen
Scarleteen Volunteer
Member # 66249

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Hey FizzyPop, Welcome to scarleteen,

As someone with experience of being long time crusher I feel where you're coming from.

I think the most helpful thing to think about is managing expectations a little bit.

If it's been 8 years, you guys will have changed a lot. I recently met my partner from when I was 15 for the first time in 10 years, and despite a familiarity with the parts of our personalities that stuck around from that time, we both acknowledged that it was also a bit like meeting a new person.

With your crush, I feel like it might be good just to start slow... You don't really know who she is now, how she might have changed and what she might have been through. I think for that reason it's important to respect that for the moment you don't necessarily have feelings about 'her' so much as feelings about your memories of who you and her used to be.

What you're going with for now is the possibility that a person who seemed like you could connect with as friends or otherwise still might be a cool person to get to know, and that you might feel something like attraction for who she is in the present and visa versa...

So I'm not sure I would rush into this thinking of dates as explicitly about starting the relationship you used to want or thinking about needing a job etc, but instead thinking of this as something a bit more relaxed.

Do you have other people or places you'd like to visit for your trip? It sounds to me like you're reflecting a lot about that period of your life and that you might get a lot from revisiting stuff. I feel like that sort of thing might be a better focus, and that meeting her could potentially just be an experimental part of that. Meeting her would be something to do with an open mind.

I think the thing about crushes is that they're often about idolising and idealising a person. I think at least for me and others, that it is probably one of the reasons why we never acted on those crushes; because perhaps part of us was aware that they were very capable of not at all being the person we had imagined them to be.

That's also a reason that crushes can hang around for a long time, because they're not really dependant on the person on whom we have a crush. We can have a crush based completely on an idea that has most of all been our own.

So if you feel like you and this person might have some chemistry (after all despite changes, you'll not necessarily both be 100% different, and your idea of her might not be 100% off), it might be best to think of it, as much as you can, outside the frame of a 'crush'.

Inevitably, this is just a person, who you might have a connection with and who you might not have connections with, just like with anyone else you might try to get a date with. It's not however likely to be the person you have in your head. That can be a very difficult thing to hear. But for me, I've come to understand that the 'people in my head' i.e. ideas of people I idolised when I was younger, were perhaps more an attempt to imagine something I wanted to give to myself... I wanted to be accepted and so I imagined people I had crushes on as being completely accepting i.e. that nice person was actually me.

This may or may not resonate with you, however even if it doesn't fit (my experiences could be totally different to yours) I hope something here may have helped. All the best.

PS: I think it's fine to decide where to go with your date-partner regardless of what some website says.
PPS: If you thought your question was long, check out this answer.

[ 09-29-2013, 10:12 AM: Message edited by: Jacob at Scarleteen ]

Posts: 694 | From: Leeds UK | Registered: May 2011  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Member # 108380

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Thanks for replying. I do realize that there is a good chance that she has changed a lot over the years and that my chances with her are about the same as with anyone else I meet. I've also been trying to curb my expectations as well.

But yeah I agree that this is something that I should start slow. I believe what I really want is to get to know her since I didn't get to before regardless of whether it leads to us dating or just being friends.

There isn't really much else for me to do or see there. Before my Grandma and Uncle moved in with us we used to drive down there a couple times a year but other than the skating rink there isn't anything else. I still keep in contact with an old friend of mine from back then though. I will admit that there is a part of me that would like to see what my old neighborhood looks like now and go skating again.

So yeah. Agree with you on everything and I definitely feel better now that I have gotten all of this off my chest. Thanks again.

Posts: 4 | From: Georgia | Registered: Aug 2013  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Jacob at Scarleteen
Scarleteen Volunteer
Member # 66249

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Glad I was able to help!

It sounds like that could be a good way to go about it.

Best of Luck

Posts: 694 | From: Leeds UK | Registered: May 2011  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator

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