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Author Topic: Having doubts after a breakup?
HyphenRow
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I broke up with my boyfriend of 8 months about 4 days ago. This is our second breakup and so I was actually dealing with it rather well immediately after. I was a bit sad, had a bit of missing him, but I knew I was going to be okay.

But now, I am having doubts as to whether I am doing the right thing.

FIRST BREAKUP:
The reason behind it was because I thought we were seeing each other too much, and I no longer looked forward to seeing him. So I asked him for space which he refused to give because he actually loves me while I haven't reached that stage yet. He was insecure and clingy, constantly calling and wanting to see me which didn't help at all - I felt overwhelmed and I told him so. But he didn't understand why i needed space from him if I really liked him. So after we got into one of our many fights about this subject, I just couldn't take it anymore and I broke up with him because I was tired and sick of him complaining/arguing with me about it and never accepting my explanations, calling them excuses instead. (There were days where I simply did not want to stay over at his place or see him, but he was hurt by my refusals - according to him he thought that I was pushing him away).

However, I realized that I really missed him afterwards and I could not stop crying. He kept trying to see me, buying me flowers and writing me a really sweet letter. He said he wouldn't yell/argue with me anymore. He was so devastated and hurt that I was sure he finally realized that he needed to change a little and give me my space. So I decided to give it another go.


SECOND BREAKUP:
The second breakup happened within 2 weeks of the first one. He did bug me less about staying over/seeing him, he moved on to call me almost every day. Talking to him everyday on the phone got boring and tiring after a while so I would tell him I didn't feel like talking. However, he took offense at that. He also would randomly accuse me of not appreciating him enough/ not doing enough for him / not caring about him enough when he does so much for me (which he actually does). The accusations were so annoying because I really DID care about him. I admit though that he has gone out of the way for me way more than I have for him (but those were his choices, not something that I asked him to do for me). And the thing that also pushed me to break it off again was the pain i saw that he was in - although i knew that he loves me very much, he would say that he couldn't take it anymore what I was doing to him. So for both our sakes, I ended it again.


During the next 4 days he would text me every day, he tells me that he cries every day. He wants me back. He had thought through his mistakes, and i truly do believe that he has finally realized what pushed me away (he wrote me alot, explaining his thoughts and such). However, after all of this, I know that my feelings for him as of right now are not as strong as they were in the beginning (but they still exist just a little). I don't want to be unfair to him and give him hope if my feelings end up not being enough. I really don't want to cause him anymore pain. But i also don't want to be making the wrong decision for myself. I saw him today for a bit, and I realized I still am attracted to him.

All these doubts in my head are killing me. Someone, please help?
(Btw, I am a 20yr old female. He is a 21 yr old male. We are both college students)

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Sam W
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Hi HyphenRow,

What you're going through sounds rough, and believe me when I say that many people have been in your shoes before and have come out on the other side of things ok.

I'm going to suggest you take a look at this article:
Does Your Relationship Need a Checkup?

Even though your relationship has ended, reading this might help settle some of the doubts that are roving around your brain right now by helping you consider what a happy, healthy relationship looks like and whether or not you and your boyfriend had one (or are likely to have one should you get back together).

One question I have for you is: if you (HypehnRows) were to get back together, what would be your primary reason for doing so?

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HyphenRow
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Hello Samnw!

thank you so much for responding. Unfortunately, by the time that I have read your response, his perceptions and way of thinking have already changed -

he has moved on, no longer wishes to see me in a good light, and is now saying that I ruined the relationship, I never liked him, etc.

He has made me to be a villain, and it hurts me so much - I am in more pain now than the day after I broke up with him.

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Molias
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Hi HyphenRow,

Have you seen this article about processing & getting through breakups? I think it might be helpful: Getting Through a Breakup Without Actually Breaking

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HyphenRow
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Member # 107659

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Thank you so much Molias!
That's a really great article and really helpful.

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Molias
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I'm glad you found it helpful! And certainly if you want to talk through any of the processing you're doing, we're happy to do that here as well.
Posts: 1125 | From: San Francisco | Registered: Jan 2013  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
   

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