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» Scarleteen Boards: 2000 - 2014 (Archive) » SCARLETEEN CENTRAL » Relationships » T.M.I? Or ASAP?

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Author Topic: T.M.I? Or ASAP?
pyrotech
Neophyte
Member # 107386

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Hi everyone, pyro here.

So I'm trying to get back on the market so to speak and I'm not the best at navigating social waters, mainly because I am Asbergers. I've known I've been this way my whole life and at 17 I'm much better at socializing thanks to my friends, but I'm still not that good. One problem I've had in relationships is I never know the right time to tell the girl I'm with that I'm Asbergers. And it's gone both ways, some just drift away, others don't care. But the fact remains: Is it a bad idea to tell someone your dating you have Asbergers syndrome right on the first date? Or is it bad not to say anything? I would appreciate a guiding hand here.

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Cheers!
Pyro.

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nixieGurl
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Hey pyro,

From my experience (I have bi polar disorder) I find that being open about these things is a really good way to do it because you also get to feel out how the person you are seeing feels about it, if they are not cool with it then I always think well that's not someone I want to be with anyway and if they are then great. Most people I have met are pretty great about these things but there is still stigma out there and that's the other persons choice. It also gives them the choice to think about whether that's something they can deal with in a relationship or if they just don't feel up to that (this is especially true with the bi polar because I do have times where I am quite unwell and that is hard for a partner to deal with), and that's okay too.

I don't think there is any one right way to do it, I like to be very up front about it but if you like to get to know and trust someone first then that's ok too. :-)

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Molias
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I don't know that there's a hard and fast rule about disclosure; if you feel comfortable talking about it early on (or want to use it as a way to weed out people who are going to be judgmental about it, as nixieGurl mentioned above), then I think it's totally fine to talk about it on the first or second date.

It may take a few tries, but as you date more you will likely find a time and way to approach this that works out for you. =)

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Rainbow_1234
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I've found it easier to talk at first about things I need / they need to know about me without using the word aspergers.

Like saying "I don't always get hints well so it's easier if you're quite direct". Or "loud noises make my head hurt and so I'm not great at going to gigs", for example.

It means I can be open early on about who I am and see if that will work in the friendship* without having to deal with a lot of baggage from other things they've heard about the word aspergers which are either completely inaccurate or don't apply to me. Once someone's got to know me well enough to be judging me based on my actions not labels then I might use the word aspergers.


*I'm assuming this works just as well in relationships but most of my experience is in friendships.

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Burdened with glorious booty
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As a fellow aspie (who admittedly doesn't have much dating experience), I figure I might have some input here.

I've found that being honest early on (maybe not first-meeting early, but early enough) is a good thing. I find it's a conversation that works better as a simple chat, rather than a grand announcement - explaining to that person that because you have Aspergers, you might have troubles socialising or communicating is a good way of setting down boundaries and communicating problems, which people in relationships need to do anyway. Once you've got it out in the open, communicating becomes easier. On top of that, if they REALLY have a problem with it, then at least they'd leave early enough that it wouldn't suck so bad.

Hopefully that helps.

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Ta-da!

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