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Author Topic: Against Sex Before Marriage, Am I Limiting Myself?
jrd680
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Member # 108624

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Hello,

A little background first. I am a college student currently a sophomore at a Big Ten university in the midwest. The concept of sex at home was talked about and overall I can come to my parents for advice and such. I grew up going to catholic grade school and high school. I didn't receive any worthwhile sex ed at school but found information and sanity through Scarletteen and Sex.etc. When I came to school, I was amazed at the sex positivity on campus, the health center has contraception available, and overall campus is very accepting of most everybody.

I have dated a little bit but not a ton. I am very sex positive and don't believe in being abstinent until marriage. For me I don't think it's very realistic and I feel that sex is part of relationships. Over the summer I was into a girl who I found out wanted to wait till marriage for sex. I am still friends with her but this caught me a little off guard. For one I as I said before don't believe in saving sex for marriage.

With all being said, I have a few questions. I'm I setting myself up for failure by being hesitant to enter a possible relationship with someone who is saving sex for marriage? Can people change there stance? Are their people that feel similar to me? How do I find a sex positive girlfriend? Am I limiting my dating prospects?

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jrd680

Posts: 5 | From: Chicago | Registered: Oct 2013  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Robin Lee
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Hi Jrd680, and welcome to Scarleteen,

Just as people have different preferences in food, clothing, reading material, and so on, so too do people have different preferences around their sexualities.

While a person's stance on sex might change, that would need to be about them and what they wanted, not about changing to make a partner happy. So, if you know that it's important to you to date someone who is interested in engaging in the same types of sexual activities that you're interested in, and in a similar timeframe, that's who'd you would want to be dating. If you know, right at the outset, that someone isn't interested in sex until marriage, and you know that's not going to work for you, it's likely not going to make sense for you to date that person unless you're willing to compromise and accept that certain types of sexual activity will be off the table completely.

How do you find someone who is interested in the same things you are sexually? The same way you find someone who shares your interests in any other area of life -- by getting to know people, talking with them, and seeing who you click with.

It sure would be nice if we could know, before taking risks with our hearts, who we're going to be compatible with, but it just doesn't work that way. [Smile]

Does this helpl at all?


In thinking about what feels risky and difficult, you might find the information and tools in this article helpful.

Risky Business: Learning to Consider Risk and Make Sound Sexual Choices
k

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Robin

Posts: 6066 | From: Washington DC suburbs | Registered: Dec 2011  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
jrd680
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Yes it is comforting and helpful, I appreciate it. I think part of it is not wanting to have that conversation of "hey, what do you think about sex?" since you don't want to jeopardize a relationship. If only people had surveys before going out on a date where they could find these things out beforehand! That being said, thanks for the advise and I'm glad that what I feel is perfectly normal and a worthwhile thing to think about.

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jrd680

Posts: 5 | From: Chicago | Registered: Oct 2013  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Robin Lee
Volunteer Assistant Director
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You're welcome.

You know, as uncomfortable as the conversations can be, and as disappointing as some outcomes can be, I think having them is a lot more interesting than having the answers to a bunch of survey questions (not that that's going to happen, mind).

When we talk with people, we get to hear their about their perspectives, their feelings, and their experiences, which are usually different from our own even if there are a lot of commonalities. This is what makes life rich and interesting, and keeps relationships, of any kind, from becoming boring.

Would you like to talk about how to have some of these conversations with people? I suggest, for example, not asking about someone's views on sex or politics or about the dysfunctions in their family life in a clinical, interview-like way on a first date.

If you're looking to have sex on that date in particular, then sure, you'd ask directly if they're interested in doing that with you right now, or yyou'd at least bring up the subject and see what they say. If you're looking for a longer-term dating or romantic relationship, you'll maybe want to focus more on getting to know the person, though that certainly doesn't mean that they won't be interested in sexual activity with you during that date. It's more, I think, about the priorities of the date being different depending on what both people are looking for from it, both in the present and for the future.

Certainly, if the topic comes up in the course of conversation, you can of course go with it. , But few people like being grilled about their deepest feelings on something when they're out on a first date and just getting to know someone. [Smile]


None of these are hard an fast rules, just things to keep in mind when thinking about the best and most considerate ways to communicate with people. [Smile]

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Robin

Posts: 6066 | From: Washington DC suburbs | Registered: Dec 2011  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
   

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