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» Scarleteen Boards: 2000 - 2014 (Archive) » SCARLETEEN CENTRAL » Relationships » long distance, hurt, confusion

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Author Topic: long distance, hurt, confusion
sweetgreendreams
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Member # 103671

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I dated my boyfriend all the way through college. We graduated this past spring and then ended up in jobs on the opposite sides of the country. We decided to do long distance without a clear plan of how things were going to work. Circumstances made it easy for us to see each other every six weeks or so, and we have the money and time to see each other every month or two.

We've done distance before, mostly over school breaks and summers. We're pretty independent people, so it hasn't been a problem so long as we communicate regularly.

I got back from a visit a few days ago. It was awesome, and part of me really wants to move to where he is. I start my job soon and move into my own place, and I should be excited about it, but I only miss him intensely. I keep thinking about how I want to move to be with him, but I know I can't do that for a long time, if at all. I'm starting to lose hope that there will be a happy ending.

I've had some really awful boyfriends, and knowing what I know about friends' relationships, I can't imagine finding anyone better than him. He respects me, he's not pushy, he's kind and sympathetic. I know there are other people out there, but the thought of starting over is terrifying. Also, I've put so much time and effort into this relationship...

any advice? thanks.

[ 09-17-2013, 11:08 PM: Message edited by: sweetgreendreams ]

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Robin Lee
Volunteer Assistant Director
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Hi Sweetgreendreams,

You know, i'm hearing a few different things here. I'm hearing, on the one hand, that your relationship is going well. You and your partner are able to see each other with relative frequency, and you're both independent people so being on your own isn't, in some ways, as difficult as it might be.

On the other hand, i'm hearing you say that something needs to change.

Can you maybe talk a bit about what would keep you from continuing things as they are? Do you feel like missing him just hurts too much to keep on going this way?

--------------------
Robin

Posts: 6066 | From: Washington DC suburbs | Registered: Dec 2011  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
sweetgreendreams
Neophyte
Member # 103671

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Yeah, the missing him really hurts. It could be that I just got home and am in a transition period with everything else, but I'm starting to doubt my ability to do a LDR if there's no end-date (it's sort of unrealistic at this point to set one since we're just starting work/our new lives).

I'm also worried about staying in it or getting out of it for the wrong reasons. A lot of my people are telling me how you should hang on to college relationships because it's hard to meet people after school. That seems like a bad reason to stay in a relationship if it's making you unhappy.

But if he's really the best person for me, then how can I let him go?

[ 09-18-2013, 11:12 PM: Message edited by: sweetgreendreams ]

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Robin Lee
Volunteer Assistant Director
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I can certainly understand how you feel like you're between a rock and a hard place here.

Staying in a relationship because one might not find anyone else to have a relationship with really isn't sensible, in my opinion, so I'd concur with you that that is a bad reason to hold onto any relationship.

Not being able to maintain a long distance relationship indefinitely is understandable.

Let's try this: How do you think you would feel, and what do you think life would be like, if the relationship ended now?

--------------------
Robin

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sweetgreendreams
Neophyte
Member # 103671

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sorry for the delay.

If this relationship ended now, I would be upset and confused, but maybe a little relieved. The distance/missing him is hard, and since I got home we haven't talked much because he's been busy with work. Part of me would like to have all my life in one place, instead of spread out between where I live and where he lives. Sometimes I feel like I put more into this relationship than he does, especially when we're long-distance.

At the same time, I'm starting a new job next week, and I don't know how I'd handle a break up on top of that.

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