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» Got Questions? Get Answers. » SCARLETEEN CENTRAL » Relationships » Moving on from a messy break-up

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Author Topic: Moving on from a messy break-up
FrankieFrog
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Hey again!

So, in my last post I mentioned my ex and I had a slip-up and after talking with you all for awhile..I decided it wasn't something healthy I could endure anymore, to even still be in contact with her that is.

Still...I felt like there was unfinished business and I couldn't quite just block her number on my phone because of the slip-up..
Although it was purely manual sex with at least one of us having clothes on at all times, etc. I was still really worried she might get pregnant (my usual fear) and it would have been really douchey for me to just skip out entirely leaving her to clean up that mess IF it came about..

So..I waited from that day till now, a good 26 days, before I finally asked her today if her period had come.
She said yes, it came, and this truly immense wave of freedom rushed through me..

I told her I felt like I was finally liberated, and she asked what I meant, which I gave no reply to.
Instead, after several more questionings like, "Are you sure the flow is normal? Cramps too? No odd colors or odors?" and so on, just to rule every possible abnormality I know of out.

Then, I said "Thank you very much for telling me.", and I blocked her number from my phone.


Now...I feel so peaceful but also kinda lost..like the feeling of "it's finally over" is here.

I had been saving all my scholarship money (about $2000) for an emergency situation with her, like an unwanted pregnancy, just in case there was one, so that she could have as much choice as possible to make that next step..

I always told myself that if anything like that ever happened to her, it was my duty to take full responsibility for it and take any heat..not her.
(I think I made a few posts about this here a few years ago)

But after what she did to me, to have that slip-up and still feel like I was going to take the bullet for someone like her...it felt so pathetic..

Anyway, I'd first like to thank everyone here who's given me any advice or even a few encouraging words, it's truly helped me a lot..


And secondly, do you think I did the right thing by blocking her number?

I mean, as liberating as this feels, I keep thinking there's some possible reason she should need to contact me and I would be denying her that and it was wrong, etc.

I know it's stupid and there's probably some ulterior motive my brain has for wanting to stay in contact with her but I could really use your opinions on that..

She wants us to stay friends but yet all this while, she messages me very selectively, but when she does pay me any attention I feel so swept away again.
Then when she doesn't, I realize just how tired I am of dancing to her tune and I want to break the vicious cycle once and for all.

This feels like my "out"..but why do I still care how she feels?
Why am I still worried if she'll get into trouble or need me again?..

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Robin Lee
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Frankie,

I think it'll be helpful for you to remember that you're not the only person in her world, so if she needs help, she has other people to turn to. If she feels that she doesn't have other people, that's on her to fix that situation, not on you to fill those shoes when those aren't shoes you want to fill anymore.


Have you taken a look at our article about break-ups? I think reading through it might help you answer some of these questions for yourself.

http://www.scarleteen.com/article/boyfriend/getting_through_a_breakup_without_actually_breaking

--------------------
Robin

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FrankieFrog
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Hey Robin,

Yeah I know..I guess it's just some left over feelings that's all.
I got so used to bothering and taking care of her stuff that it feels weird now to *not* have the opportunity to..

I just finished reading through it and yeah pretty much everything is answered [Smile]
I actually feel much better!

But I'm worried it'll be somewhat short-lived..
She has a tendency to swing back and message/call me with something serious..should I go so far as to change my number? Just to be sure?..
I'm..really not looking forward to talking to her again

Or do you think that's taking it too far?..

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Heather
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quote:
I got so used to bothering and taking care of her stuff that it feels weird now to *not* have the opportunity to.
Sounds to me like what you're expressing here is that you were codependent, and what you're struggling with now, in part, is learning how NOT to be.

Here's some good information on that for you to look at: http://www.mentalhealthamerica.net/go/codependency

--------------------
Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me • Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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FrankieFrog
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Yeah..that's probably true.
I do feel less and less responsible and attached as the days go by, and it feels like I'm letting go.

Is co-dependency a normal part of a long-term relationship?
And if it is, is there anything I can consciously do to help me break out of those old feelings?

Like..break away from our mutual friends, her social media (done that already), things that could indicate to me if she needs 'help' or not?

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Robin Lee
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Well, how has what you've done so far worked for you? In other words, do you feel like you need to be doing more to break away or is what you've done already working for you?

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Robin

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FrankieFrog
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I feel like I've done enough..yet I can't definitively let go of everything entirely, as much as I want to.

For example, throwing away her stuff, blocking our mutual friend (whom I was only semi-close with before) on my phone too.
I've never been the type to really "remove" someone from my life before..so this is all very new to me.

I feel like it's so much to lose..yet, there's so much attached to these things that I'm giving away that it seems necessary..does that make any sense?

Other than that..romantically, I don't feel quite so bad anymore..I think it's just shock.
Like, things are finally over..just like that?

The memories we had, and the pain of the whole mess..why does it feel so small and insignificant now?

I even almost feel like I forgive her!...and I don't know why!..it makes me feel like I'm just some weak guy who can't even hold a grudge properly for someone who "deserved" it.

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Robin Lee
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Going through this process is going to take time. If you can't give her stu away today, you'll likely be able to do it next week, or next month, or maybe even tomorrow.

There's no timeline on these things, and that includes them happening sooner than you expected. you being able to let go of the grudge so quickly and easily is just an indication that there really are no rules for these things, or for when they should happen.

--------------------
Robin

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Jacob at Scarleteen
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I don't think holding onto a 'grudge' is any sort of strength. If anything it is a good healthy thing... holding onto anger is a lot of weight to carry necessarily. Allowing yourself to not feel so angered and affected by this stuff yet at the same time hold boundaries that make you feel safer shows a lot of strength and makes for plenty resilience too.
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FrankieFrog
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Alright..well, thank you so very much, all of you.

She tried calling my house phone a few times today as usual but I didn't pick up..and this space feels right for me, at least for now.
I think I'll stay here like this for awhile and see if I can find more peace with everything..

Thank you all very much again!

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Heather
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Btw, I do think reading hat piece, and more information elsewhere, about codependence will be helpful to you.

Because no, as that piece makes pretty clear, I'd say, codependence both isn't healthy and isn't some kind of given when people are in long-term relationships. It's a very unhealthy dynamic, for everyone, and is also a very different thing than people needing each other in some ways or supporting each other because they want to, and with healthy boundaries.

--------------------
Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me • Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

Posts: 68237 | From: An island near Seattle | Registered: May 2000  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
   

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