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Author Topic: Long Distance Relationship
PandaYoghurt
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Member # 96436

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Hi.

I've been living with my boyfriend for a few years now, but due to education reasons, we made the decision to live apart (about a three hour train journey) for at least the next two years. It was a really difficult decision to make. At first, I had decided to stay where he is staying but I think I knew that it wasn't the right decision. I had a few posts about my anxiety around the time I was making that decision, and I really think going against my gut feeling was making me really panicky and anxious. Mainly because considering staying in a place where I didn't want to be just because of him was making me put a lot of pressure on myself, and really over-analyse our relationship in an unhealthy way, even though there was no reason for it.

I've kind of gotten over that now (not 100% but I've improved A LOT). Now I just have worries about our relationship becoming long distance (not as long distance as other peoples', because ours is in the same country). I've been in two long distance relationships before, so I know they can work (I didn't break up with them because they were long distance relationships). I just don't want my feelings to change because I'm far away (although we will get to see each other two or three weekends of every month, as well as talking on the phone, texting, etc.).

As I might have mentioned in some past posts here, I am really paranoid and anxious about my feelings changing, as I perceive myself as somewhat fickle. I don't know why they would change in this case, because I love my boyfriend so much and he's the most wonderful person I've ever met. We really don't have any problems, and there's nothing that makes me worry in a rational way. It's all irrational, but I can't really leave it behind. I'm just really scared of our relationship changing and us losing our lovely connection. I suppose I just need to talk/get advice and opinions. Thanks for reading.

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Molias
Scarleteen Volunteer
Member # 101745

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I think your best option here is to sit down and talk with your boyfriend about how you both think things might change (such as how often you see each other, or the primary ways in which you communicate), and talk about ways that you can work through and adapt to those changes.

So since you've been living together for a while and are used to seeing each other, are you going to plan to see each other at certain intervals, like one weekend a month? Or set up dates to talk on the phone, or start writing long emails to each other about how your week's going? Are there ways you can show small signs of affection to replace what you might have been doing for each other in person? These are all just examples and jumping-off points; your areas of concern might be different. And even though you've done long-distance relationships before, this one might have a different feel to it.

In terms of worrying about your feelings changing... that's something you can't really control. It might be helpful for you to do some journaling about how you're feeling in general *and* about your boyfriend/relationship in particular, so that if you do find your feelings shifting you may be able to have a sense of what other feelings and circumstances have changed at the same time.

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PandaYoghurt
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Member # 96436

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Thank you very much for your reply [Smile] It's really great knowing that the great people at Scarleteen are here when I'm going through a tough time.

I've been talking a lot with my boyfriend about all of this, and he's being really great.

We're planning to see each other at least two (but usually three) weekends per month, and also for a longer time at holidays. And Skyping/texting/phoning each day. Our schedules will permit this, and there's no time zone issue because we won't be that far away. I hope that will be ok. I've made my move already so for the past little while we've been talking loads and I'm feeling slightly more ok about things. I hope things can continue on this way.

Thanks for suggesting keeping a journal. I think that might be a good idea. I have been suffering a lot with anxiety in the past while so I think it would help me. One of my main problems is thinking that I haven't felt normal or happy in the past 6 months. Then the next day I'll realise that it was my anxiety making me think that, and just colouring my views and making me see things in a more negative way.

Anyway, I realise those are issues I should talk about with a counsellor. I hope to start counselling again soon so maybe I can bring up some of these issues.

Again, thanks for your response [Smile]

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Molias
Scarleteen Volunteer
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I think counselling sounds like a great idea! It could be really useful in helping you sort out some of your feelings and worries around this.

It sounds like the two of you have talked a lot about long-distance details, which is great. I think from here all the two of you can do is move forward according to the plans you've set up and do your best to be honest with each other about how it's working out for you as time goes on. =)

Posts: 1346 | From: San Francisco | Registered: Jan 2013  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
   

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