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» Scarleteen Boards: 2000 - 2014 (Archive) » SCARLETEEN CENTRAL » Relationships » BF's parent troubles!

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Author Topic: BF's parent troubles!
lexidks
Neophyte
Member # 108390

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Okay, long story, but here goes! I'll try to keep it short
My bf's (17, I'm 16) family travels a lot, only just got back yesterday from a long trip. He & I are super close, so his trips can be tough for us- this one especially, b/c things have been very stressful with his family lately, so we were ready to get together & blow off steam ASAP. His parents took his sister to the hospital as soon as they got back, to see if they could get help for her before her next Dr.'s appointment, and let him stay home- so of course we jumped at the opportunity for him to pick me up. We talked, I let him vent, cry, say what he needed to (it's been a tough year or two for his and his family's health), & once it got dark, we did the obvious: headed back to his house, and up to his room. Upstairs being the 1 place in his house we're not allowed unsupervised, (strange, b/c we pretty much get as much alone time as we like in his basement, but that's besides the point).
So we went at it, not worrying because his family wasn't getting back until late. However, his dad called, saying that he wanted to come pick him up b/c his sister had to stay overnight, was scared & wanted her brother.
And with the ol' "five more minutes, then we stop.... okay, five more minutes", I was not out of the house and we were absolutely not prepared for his dad getting home when he did D:
So bf intercepted him before he got upstairs, but couldn't really lie/say nothing was up, b/c he was still sweaty and out of breath at that point. It seems he pretty much immediately fessed up about me being there and why, how I helped him to feel better, and whatever else he could think of to make the situation look a little better, I guess. Once they'd finished talking, bf came back up, told me what happened & that he was gonna give me a ride home, assuring me his dad understood/wasn't mad, but that I should probably apologize anyway- and so I did as soon as I saw his dad, but all I got back was (what felt like!) a pretty cold response of "Okay.", and we were outta there. (Not that I blame him for responding like that, but it definitely did not help how shaken up I already was!)

What sucks is that even after 9+ months with my bf & being over his house, I still don't know his parents very well, and they don't know me- actually an issue bf's brought up a couple of times for different reasons, and we'd talked about it while he was away. So about a day before I promise to make more of an effort with his parents, and this happens :/ It's been tough because I'm pretty introverted, and very slow to get to know & make bonds with people (especially with adults, and especially with parents who don't come off to me as super casual or open).
Looks that I've let a not-great situation with his parents get worse- I feel pretty awful, embarrassed, guilty, to name a few things. Of course I wasn't alone in the decision to go inside/upstairs, & I'm sure I'm over-dramatizing the whole situation, but again, I'm not very close with his parents and I feel that I've totally disrespected them, & in the middle of a really difficult time, no less. I mean, obviously this isn't gonna be their big concern right now with all that's happening with his sister, and I'm sure his dad is as fine with it as my bf says, but I still feel really bad about disobeying his parents in such a personal way, not even knowing them that well- and who knows how I seem to his dad at this point? If anything, I'm glad my bf was sure to tell me that his dad wouldn't be telling his mom (if I had any part in upsetting such a sweet woman any more than she already has been, I don't even know what I'd do, to be quite honest!!). He's pointed out that it could have been a lot worse (imagine if his dad had walked in on us? YIKES), and that this is just even more incentive to get better with his parents, which is true, but at this point I really don't know how to do that! [Frown]
He's assured me that given the chance to know me, they'd love me just as much as he does, which I can only hope is true- we both want to have the best relationship possible, & that extends to each other's families, so it would be great to get more close and comfortable with them, but at the moment I'm totally lost in terms of achieving that

This whole dilemma had me really uncharacteristically freaked out all last night, & I haven't been able to get my mind off it since I got home yesterday. So while I'm sure I'm probably reacting more dramatically than I need to, what would you do in my place? Or what might his parents appreciate me doing right now, if anything? I'd really like to do something to make up for or improve this, or show how sorry I am- anything to improve relations with his parents, and I can't think of any kind of way to do it! [Confused]
Thanks so much! For any help!

[ 09-01-2013, 03:12 PM: Message edited by: lexidks ]

Posts: 2 | From: US | Registered: Sep 2013  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Robin Lee
Volunteer Assistant Director
Member # 90293

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Hi Lexidks and welcome to Scarleteen,

You sound like a very thoughtful, compassionate person.

You mentioned that your boyfriend has talked with you about how you and his parents don't know each other very well. Do you know if he's also talked with them about this?

Perhaps this would be a good place to start, for your boyfriend to talk with his parents about how he'd like it if they got to know his girlfriend better. alternatively, if you will have an opportunity to see one or both of them soon, you could tell them that you'd really like for all of you to get to know each other better.

In terms of what happened last night, you have already apologized for disrespecting the boundaries they set. Do you think you and they need to talk about this more? It's hard to say what your boyfriend's dad's response meant, especially since, as you've said, he was distracted by caring for his daughter.

If you're wanting to do something caring and considerate for his parents to show your respect, what about doing something that would be helpful to them during this time of dealing with their daughter's crisis? Actions often speak louder than words about the type of person one is. What do you think?

have you spoken with your boyfriend today to see if there are any lingering repercussions from last night?

--------------------
Robin

Posts: 6066 | From: Washington DC suburbs | Registered: Dec 2011  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
lexidks
Neophyte
Member # 108390

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Hi Robin, and thank you!
As far as I know, he's talked about it a bit with his parents- there was actually a bit of a rough patch earlier in the summer when they approached him about it, because he was spending so much time alone with me, and that made them uncomfortable because they didn't know me very well. When we last talked, he said that his parents' view was that if I want to strengthen a relationship with them, then I'll do it- which I totally agree that I should be going out of my way to do, and was what I was planning on doing them as soon as I saw them again. (Of course, this wasn't at all what I expected when I visualized the next time seeing one of his parents!)

I've never really sat down for a serious conversation with my boyfriend's parents before, so when you bring up the question of whether I need to talk about this more with them, or at least his dad, the answer is very daunting, and I'm probably going to ask my boyfriend for a second opinion before doing anything at this point, but I think it may be a yes. My apology last night was short, and with all the tension and awkwardness going on, it was definitely not adequate.

I absolutely agree, doing something for them would definitely make a positive impact, my only concern is what I can do for them that would be appropriate and not take too much time, since their family, and mine, is going to be very busy in the upcoming week before school starts.

I spoke with my boyfriend late last night after I got home, and shortly earlier today- he's said basically the same thing, that he doesn't want me to worry, that nobody's mad and that his dad is understanding about the whole thing, but we both agree that this calls for relationship building with his parents.

Thank you again!

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Robin Lee
Volunteer Assistant Director
Member # 90293

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You're very welcome.

If you need to talk about any of this more, we can do that any time.


Good luck.

--------------------
Robin

Posts: 6066 | From: Washington DC suburbs | Registered: Dec 2011  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
   

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