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Author Topic: Does He Really Care?
pocket_mouse_531
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Hey guys!

Sorry for having so many relationship questions, but I have another one that I wanted to bring up. I've been dating my boyfriend for nearly six months now (though for about two months of that time, we've been away from each other, as we live on opposite ends of the state), and recently I've noticed that he is not very verbally expressive when it comes to his emotions.

When the two of us are just having conversations together, he's a great listener and also has input of his own to offer. But when it comes to being able to express his feelings, he does not seem comfortable with doing so verbally. This is kind of hard for me to wrap my head around because I'm very good at articulating myself and my emotions verbally. My concern with this is that I don't know if he actually has a hard time telling me how he feels, or if he just doesn't care that much about me and so doesn't say much.

I brought this up with him yesterday and asked him to be honest about how he felt about me. I told him that if he honestly didn't care about me, or didn't really want to pursue this relationship any further, I would still respect him enough to be a civil friend towards him. He told me that he does care for me and that he finds me attractive/beautiful, but that he's just not good at communicating his emotions with words. I also struggle with this because I know that in his last relationship (which happened to be his first real love), he was very comfortable with verbally expressing to her how much he cared about her and whatnot. This sometimes makes me think that it's possible that he just doesn't care about me that much.

Additionally, when I asked him about whether or not he wanted this relationship to last for a long time, he said that he "thinks so," but just prefers not to worry about that and go with the flow, and see what happens day by day. My concern here is that, once again, he's not actually all that into me, and is instead just hanging on to this relationship because he doesn't want to be alone. I have also brought this up with him, telling him that I don't want him to be in a relationship with me if he feels like he's settling or if he feels like he's just dating me so as not to be alone, but he swears to me that that's not the case and that he really does like me and wants to be in a relationship with me.

What's really going on here? And what should I do?

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Robin Lee
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Hi Pocket Mouse,

It's impossible for us to say what's really going on because we can't look into your boyfriend's brain.

Perhaps you could talk a little about what makes you feel like you can't take him at his word? You've already asked him these questions and he's given you answers. What is it that makes you doubt or not feel secure with these answers?

I'm also curious about how you know that he was verbally expressive in his last relationship.

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Robin

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domogneas91
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The following is just my opinion, so it's not actual advice to go by =P

I've been having a similar problem with my boyfriend, and it is very annoying, but some men just aren't good at this stuff. The fact he used to be expressive and now isn't just suggests to me that he's feeling a little burnt since last time. I wouldn't think it's anything personal, just his own insecurity.

I know it can be hard to take him at his word, but that's all you can do. My boyfriend is an Irish farmer's son, and they are strong and silent men who aren't very affectionate or talkative about emotions. It doesn't mean he doesn't care, he's just not... good at that stuff; it's not part of his upbringing.

As someone who also has difficulties like this, I've learnt that just taking him at his word is the best solution. I've come to learn that half my issues with him are just all in my own head and have no real proof, just 'hunches' or 'feelings'. Until he says he doesn't care, just trust that he does. I'll make your life so much less stressful! [Wink]

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pocket_mouse_531
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I guess what's difficult for me is that it's very important to me that the person I date can eventually say to me that they love me. Admittedly I've only been dating my boyfriend for about five months so it's not realistic for me to expect him to say it now, but I can't help but wonder if he ever will say it.

I know he used to be more verbally expressive in his last relationship because I've seen his posts to his ex on Facebook and he seemed to have no problem writing to her that he loved her, thought she was beautiful and amazing, etc. It hurts to think that he may never be able to say things like that about me.

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Robin Lee
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Hi Pocket Mouse,


So, one thing you know about yourself is that it's very important for you to hear loving and admiring words from your partner. Your partner has told you that it's difficult for him to express his feelings in words. Have you let him know that it's important to you to hear admiring words sometimes?

What I'm thinking is that this is a difference between the two of you, and, as with many differences between partners, it may be possible, with respectful communication, for the two of you to meet somewhere in the middle.

What do you think?

[ 08-28-2013, 05:49 AM: Message edited by: Robin Lee ]

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Robin

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pocket_mouse_531
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Hi Robin! Thanks for your advice [Big Grin]

I haven't directly told him that this is important to me. How do I do so without coming across as demanding?

Also, how do I work to meet him in the middle on this?

Thank you so much!

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