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» Scarleteen Boards: 2000 - 2014 (Archive) » SCARLETEEN CENTRAL » Relationships » Real Sex vs. Sexting

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Author Topic: Real Sex vs. Sexting
domogneas91
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This is all going to sound really, really silly, but it's a concern for me.

I have long-distance relationship and it's so far been absolutely fine. I do struggle with security issues, and constantly have to remind myself that my boyfriend has never given me any reason to feel unwanted. He does quite a lot of annoying things, but I know his heart is in the right place.

When we first started being sexual, it was just touching and kissing and nothing really more than that, and during the times we were apart we'd have sexual text conversations which kept us both quite satisfied. Then we started having actual real life sex, and that's when things changed.

Our sex life is a little problematic for a few reasons: a) distance and lack of frequency, and b) height difference. We've had sex about 4 times and still haven't found a way of making it work fully because he's nearly a foot taller than me, and every time we have sex it's like the first time every time because it's so infrequent.

He still wants to have sex with me and has a drive, but since we started having real life sex the phone sex has just.... disappeared. And this upsets me because I get so lonely and frustrated when we're apart and it used to keep me satisfied, and it's just gone.

The point of this ramble is should I just reintroduce it like it never went missing, or should I actually talk about it to him and say I miss it?

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Robin Lee
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Hi Domogneas91,

That's entirely up to you and your knowledge of the dynamics of the relationship. There's nothing wrong with either approach.

It's usually sound to tell our partners how we're feeling about something, but there's also a lot to be said for jumping straight to the solution (when there is one) to solve a probl
em and seeing where things go from there.m.

What is holding you back from initiating sexual conversations on the phone or via text?

Also, when you say that you're having problems with sex because of the height difference between you and your partner, are you referring to a specific sexual activity? All sexual activities are sex, so this part is a little unclear.

you may find this article on positioning to be helpful.

http://www.scarleteen.com/article/boyfriend/left_foot_red_right_hand_green_the_deal_on_sex_positions

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Robin

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domogneas91
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Thanks for your reply, Robin! Let me answer your queries.

What is holding you back from initiating sexual conversations on the phone or via text?

Well, there's three reasons. 1) I wonder why we stopped, and maybe we stopped because he doesn't like it anymore, and if I start it up again it might make him feel uncomfortable. 2) If I initiate a sexual convo and he doesn't follow it up, I'll feel really stupid. 3) I don't want him to think I only want him for sexual purposes.

Also, he doesn't really do the whole hints thing, and over the last few weeks I've been hinting more than outright saying that I want to have these convos. And when he doesn't pick up the hints I feel a little rejected, which is silly because I know it's more than likely that he doesn't pick up the hints.

Also, when you say that you're having problems with sex because of the height difference between you and your partner, are you referring to a specific sexual activity? All sexual activities are sex, so this part is a little unclear.

Oh, I mean vaginal intercourse. Sorry, should've been more clear.

We've been having a few difficulties in this area: we can't find a position that fully works for both of us, and he's more easily stimulated than I am so once foreplay is over and we actually start having intercourse it's over pretty quickly. This upsets him a little, because I don't think he feels like I enjoy it, and no matter how much I tell him that I'm okay and understand that it might take a while to get used to each other he always seems a little... worried.

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Robin Lee
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So, given all of this, what do you think of saying something like: "I really miss our sexy conversations/texts and would like to have them again. What do you think?"

It's not really that unusual for someone with a penis to not last very long with vaginal intercourse. From what I've heard from people, it's especially not unusual when partners don't see each other very often.

It sounds like the issue with this is how your partner is feeling, rather than how yu're feeling or what you're needing from sex in general. Am I understanding that correctly?

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Robin

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domogneas91
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So, given all of this, what do you think of saying something like: "I really miss our sexy conversations/texts and would like to have them again. What do you think?"

I would really like to say that, but I'm not sure how he'd react. I'm sure he'd be okay with it, but I tend to overthink little issues like this. I know it's not a big issue, but I tend to blow little issues waaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaay outta proportion (I have quite a lot of relationship security issues, partnered with bipolar disorder: it's not a good combo)

It's not really that unusual for someone with a penis to not last very long with vaginal intercourse. From what I've heard from people, it's especially not unusual when partners don't see each other very often.

Yeah, I understand this, but I'm not sure he does. Also, I think it's been a while since he had a sexual relationship, and sometimes it all gets a little too exciting for him. Which, in a way, is quite a compliment, but it annoys the Hell outta him.

It sounds like the issue with this is how your partner is feeling, rather than how yu're feeling or what you're needing from sex in general. Am I understanding that correctly?

Yes, I think so now I actually think about it. I have difficulty reassuring him that I enjoy having sex with him and that he pleases me, even if it's not in a way he expected. He worries a lot, and seems not to be 100% relaxed in sexual matters. I don't know how to put his mind at ease.

I'm just a little concerned about it because at the start of our sexual relationship he was way more risqué, but now we have real sex he's become (ironically) more reserved. I just want to know if I've done anything wrong.

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Robin Lee
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Your partner is the only one who could tell you if you've done anything wrong, but from what you've said here, it sounds like this is about him and about the ideas, beleifs, and feelings he's holding right now.

it sounds like it *is* a big issue for you that you're not engaging in sexual interaction via phone or text between visits. it's not a big issue as in a life-threatening or crisis issue, to be sure, but it is still, from the sounds of things, important to you.

That is okay. That's more than okay. You get to have a sexuality to, and this is part of your sexuality.

What do you worry would happen if you toldyour boyfriend that you miss the phone sex and you'd like to try it again?

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Robin

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domogneas91
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Your partner is the only one who could tell you if you've done anything wrong, but from what you've said here, it sounds like this is about him and about the ideas, beleifs, and feelings he's holding right now.

it sounds like it *is* a big issue for you that you're not engaging in sexual interaction via phone or text between visits. It's not a big issue as in a life-threatening or crisis issue, to be sure, but it is still, from the sounds of things, important to you.


I know that it's okay to feel this way, but I live in constant fear of ever being a demanding and high-maintenance girlfriend. I'm not, not at all, and I'd hate to be seen as such. I'm afraid that asserting my sexual needs may translate as being needy or hard-to-please, and that is the last thing I want.

I have this fear for two reasons. a) I was brought up in a family where asserting my needs before the needs of others and being self-centred in any way was almost punishable by a life-long stint on the naughty step. To this day, I'm incapable of doing things simply for the purpose of pleasing myself. b) I was in a relationship before that my boyfriend was very non-understanding of my sexual needs, and made me feel bad for having needs and preferences. I felt very pressured into doing things his way.

What do you worry would happen if you told your boyfriend that you miss the phone sex and you'd like to try it again?

I worry that he would tell me he doesn't like it and/or never liked it, and that would make me feel a) lied to, and b) awful for making him feel like he had to do it in the first place.

I also worry that in asking if we could do it again he would feel attacked or corrected. I feel maybe he may get defensive, or feel guilty that we stopped in the first place.

These are worries with almost zero evidence of materialising, but I worry.

I understand that a lot of my concerns about this relationship are all in my own head, but the worries are so convincing that I fully believe that they're true.

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Robin Lee
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You cannot control how your boyfriend feels. it sounds like you're spending a lot of time and energy anticipating how he feels, time and energy that could be used to actually ask him. *gentle smile*

If it were to turn out that your boyfriend never liked phone sex in the first place, that wouldn't be your fault. That would be his fault for not having told you that from the beginning. You cannot act on information you don't have. [Smile]


I very much hear you on having been put in a situation where you weren't allowed to have needs.

From the sounds of it though, you're allowed to have them now. Your boyfriend, for example, is very concerned about making sure that you're pleased sexually when the two of you are together. It sounds like he too is doing a little bit of projecting feelings onto you that you don't have with his uncertainties about whether you're pleased with the way intercourse has gone for the two of you.

It sounds like you haven't experienced a relationship (romantic or not) in which all parties in the relationship share what they need and work together to make compromises.

This is part of a healthy relationship though. IN a healthy relationship, people share their needs, feel frustrated or disappointed when their needs don't exactly match up, and work together to try to find a place of compatibility.

Have you and your boyfriend talked at all about this struggle you have with feeling like it's okay to say what you need (in any area of life, not just sex)?

--------------------
Robin

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domogneas91
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It sounds like you're spending a lot of time and energy anticipating how he feels, time and energy that could be used to actually ask him. *gentle smile*

Story of my life, I'm afraid, Robin! I worry a lot and do very little about it.

If it were to turn out that your boyfriend never liked phone sex in the first place, that wouldn't be your fault.

I understand that, but it would really hurt my feelings and I'm sick of having my feelings hurt. I'm afraid of it, at this stage.

From the sounds of it though, you're allowed to have them now. Your boyfriend, for example, is very concerned about making sure that you're pleased sexually when the two of you are together. It sounds like he too is doing a little bit of projecting feelings onto you that you don't have with his uncertainties about whether you're pleased with the way intercourse has gone for the two of you.

I know, and I'm not very used to this at all. It all seems a little overwhelmingly awesome, and I'm so used to being messed around that I'm just waiting for the catch. I hate to use a cliché, but it all seems a little too good to be true.

Have you and your boyfriend talked at all about this struggle you have with feeling like it's okay to say what you need (in any area of life, not just sex)?

No, not really. Unfortunately, the long-distance aspect of our relationship has caused our relationship to have stunted spurts of growth, rather than a steady development. Every time we see each other, it's like we've only just met and have to take time to readjust. We spend all our time together in real life enjoying the fact that we're together, and only remember to have proper talks when we're apart. And having email convos and text convos and skype chats about important things is difficult.

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Molias
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Hi domogneas,

I hear you expressing a lot of worries about what you fear could happen in this relationship and what might happen if you and your boyfriend are honest with each other. Have you ever explored any kind of counseling or therapy to talk about working on these worries in the context of a relationship? It sounds like it could be helpful to have someone work with you on helping you feel more confident expressing what your needs are.

I get that when you have had some relationships in which there wasn't space for you to talk about your needs, it can be really hard to get in that habit. But what it sounds like, from what you've said here, is that you're trading off a potentially uncomfortable or upsetting situation in the future (that might come from talking about these things with your boyfriend) for the definite discomfort and upset feelings you're expressing right now, that can't be addressed because they aren't being talked about.

Communication about big issues in a relationship will often be scary, it's true. But in order for relationships to improve and be positive things for everyone involved, those big conversations do have to happen. I hear you saying that you have a hard time talking about important things when you aren't in person but that when you meet up you don't think about having them then either; is there one of those types of communication that seem like it would be helpful to try using for a more serious talk? Maybe email, where you can take your time to write out your thoughts?

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domogneas91
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Hi Molias!

Yes, I go to a therapist every Friday because of having bipolar disorder, and she is quite helpful. Although, I always feel very, very silly talking to people about boyfriend problems. When I was younger, talking about a boyfriend problem resulted from ridicule from my friends and family, often saying things like 'young love is always full of unnecessary drama' and 'if this one doesn't work, just ditch him and get a new one'. The only person I can talk to about my boyfriend issues, ironically, is my best friend who I used to go out with when I was about 17.

I'd say so, to be honest: I seem to prefer being comfortable, even if it is in misery. I've always been a firm believer (even though I know it does me harm) of never having anything that I'd be afraid to lose: I'd rather be lonely and bitter forever than have a beautiful relationship and risk losing it. I'm very... very... very tired of letting my guard down and allowing myself to enjoy and be loved and then have it all disappear. It hurts really badly. My last boyfriend before this guy told me he wanted a long term relationship with me then left me 3 days later blaming my mental illness, and it destroyed me for months. Luckily, I have come to terms with what happened, but once bitten twice shy.

I ended up asking him about the text conversations last night, I thought I'd bite the bullet and bring it up, and he was perfectly fine and understanding about it and said that he missed having them with me also, but is always so tired at night after work. I'm used to him falling asleep mid normal-chat anyway, and he said he doesn't want to be at risk of falling asleep during an intimate conversation, which is pretty fair.

But I was freaking out like no-one's business beforehand, and had to have about 3 cups of Ovaltine to calm down. This happens whenever I want to talk to him about something important, and he's always fine with it.

I think the whole 'no important convos' by text thing is all in my own head; he doesn't seem to mind. There's going to be a lot of learning for me in this relationship. I suppose it'll just take time to get used to him being actually understanding, and this relationship is relatively new. I just wish I could trust more.

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Robin Lee
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Hi domogneas91,

I'm really glad to hear that the conversation with your boyfriend went so well. [Smile] Did the two of you talk at all about how you could work intimate text conversations into your schedule? You could, for example, have one on days when your boyfriend isn't working.

Personally, I think the things you've been talking about here are definitely things you could talk to your therapist about. What I'm hearing in your words is a lot of fear and a lot of feelings of not being worth respect and caring.

How do you feel after having had this conversation with your boyfriend?

--------------------
Robin

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domogneas91
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I'm really glad to hear that the conversation with your boyfriend went so well. [Smile] Did the two of you talk at all about how you could work intimate text conversations into your schedule? You could, for example, have one on days when your boyfriend isn't working.

We didn't get that far with the discussion, no, because he said he'd be honest with me and tell me that he wouldn't be able to stay awake for a full conversation about it. However, he did sign off his goodnight text with 'we'll have to find some way', in reference to bringing back the intimate convos.

Personally, I think the things you've been talking about here are definitely things you could talk to your therapist about. What I'm hearing in your words is a lot of fear and a lot of feelings of not being worth respect and caring.

I know they are, I really do, but I get nervous about talking about boyfriend stuff to anyone, let alone the boyfriend in question. I always feel like a silly little girl who makes mountains out of molehills, and can never make the words come out of my mouth. My therapist isn't the most comfortable of people to talk to, either. (And before you say get a new therapist, I can't afford to go private and this therapist is the only one experienced with my illness that the public health service can provide in my city, so I kinda have to make do.)

How do you feel after having had this conversation with your boyfriend?

I feel like the air is a little bit cleared now, but I don't know how to discuss this issue further, or if it even needs further discussion. I don't know if he's got the point or not, or whether I'm just doubting him because of my own trust issues. Basically, I want to be happy with it, but my mind is filled with nagging doubts and little voices going 'he's an inconsiderate little so-and-so, all men are remember!', which is know is unfair on him.

Posts: 52 | From: Ireland | Registered: Feb 2011  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
   

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