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» Scarleteen Boards: 2000 - 2014 (Archive) » SCARLETEEN CENTRAL » Relationships » Disinterested bf?

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Author Topic: Disinterested bf?
Kymada
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Member # 108261

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I've been dating my bf for a little over 5 months, and we've been doing a lot of sexual things with each other every time I see him. We just very recently had sex successfully (hurt too much the first time we tried).

But recently he seems really disinterested, he seems indifferent to wanting to continue to try having sex (I talked to him and he's worried about pregnancy even tho we're using condoms and i'm on BC in which I explained the very little risk when we use both methods properly).

But also in our relationship in general, I don't see him that often because he's busy but he doesn't seem to text as often and I'm the one prompting the conversations. He only replies with either one or few word responses. He also seems less romantic and lovey dovey with me. Like he doesn't really care anymore. My friend and her bf have been dating over a year and she said that he never acted disinterested with her.

I recently got mad at him for an unrelated incident, so I'm afraid about talking to him about this. I'm also really sensitive and suffer from depression and anxiety which is only worse now that I'm on the pill. I'm scared he doesn't love me anymore and doesn't find me attractive and doesn't want to be with me anymore T -T *cries*

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Heather
Executive Director & Founder
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I'm sorry you're feeling this way, Kymada.

Starting with you first, do you feel like right now you're in the right kind of headspace to be in an intimate relationship? I ask because, by all means, depression and anxiety can make managing those really tough, especially if you aren't getting treatment, including help from a therapist in managing intimate relationships with both of those issues.

As well, the pill can have the side effect of increasing depression (it's not really linked to anxiety however). Have you talked with your healthcare providers about that if you feel you are having that side effect?

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Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
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Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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Kymada
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I am currently getting therapy from a therapist for my depression yes.

I really like this boy though, I don't want to end the relationship with him :/

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Heather
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Have you talked with your therapist yet about any of this per4 your relationship?

And have they been working with you to give you some tools to do things like figure out what you can and can't handle, how to get a sense of when it's your anxiety/depression talking, and when things seem earnestly wrong in the relationship?

As well, I hear you saying you don't want to bring up your concerns because you got mad at him recently. Can you tell me a bit more about why that's resulted in you feeling you don't want to talk with him about worries you're having with the relationship?

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Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me • Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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Kymada
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My therapist and I haven't discussed much about my relationship since problems haven't really come up yet. Mostly about other things involving school and family problems. But I will definitely bring it up thanks [Smile]

And the reason why I don't really feel like bringing up these worries is mostly about bugging him. I got mad, well not really at him, more so in general but he somewhat suffered under it and I feel horrible. It also involved his brother's gf so I believe he has personal feelings concerning the incident and he can't do or say much about the matter :/ He's the type of guy to not really talk about feelings so I feel that he's acting this way because of how I reacted before.

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Heather
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Okay, but maybe what happened before is...well, something else entirely?

In other words, I hear you saying that you are concerned he's becoming generally disinterested in you, or not as invested in the relationship as you are. Setting aside comparisons to your friend's relationship, since that's hers, and this is yours, I hear you saying you are missing more in-depth communication and talking and expressions of affection.

These are all sound things to bring up with someone you're pursing a relationship with, especially when you're crying about them alone without even having tried talking with a partner about them, you know?

--------------------
Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me • Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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Kymada
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Yeah, I know it's not good to compare relationships :/
But I guess the question for me right now is how do I go about bringing up these feelings? I'm not that great with expressing myself but I prefer to do it in person instead of via messaging or text.

I also know it's up to me to do this, but any advice on how to talk to him would be great [Smile]

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Heather
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Happy to help.

I'd suggest writing yourself a brief list of the things you have brought up here that you are concerned about: consider them talking points.

You can get started by asking for a time to sit down and talk together, saying you have some concerns that have you feeling distressed that you'd like to talk about together.

Then, when you have that time, you say what those things are. Use a lot of "I" statements. As in, "I feel worried you are losing interest in me," rather than, "You don't show interest in me." catch my drift?

While I know things like this are scary and loaded, you want to do your best to talk calmly. It can help if you get really upset to ask for a minute for yourself, like to take a walk around the block or step outside so you can manage your own feelings rather than vomiting them all over the place and saying things you don't mean, or not hearing or listening to the other person because you're too upset.

It can also help to make clear what you DO want and need and how he can meet those needs. For example, if you want more in-depth talks, rather than short messages, you can say that, and suggest something like time together spent talking, a couple times a week for longer phone conversations, doing text messages less (since they really don't even lend themselves to conversations of any depth), etc. If you want him to show you more affection, you can tell him what that looks like to you: what do you want him to do to do that? Make sense?

--------------------
Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me • Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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