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» Got Questions? Get Answers. » SCARLETEEN CENTRAL » Relationships » My ex and I had a slip-up?..

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Author Topic: My ex and I had a slip-up?..
FrankieFrog
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Hey everyone..

So..things with my ex ended about 4/5 months ago now, and mostly our communication all this while has been kinda tense..like, even if I try to be nice and civil, eventually memories of her betrayal will boil to the surface and I'd have to mention it.

Anyway..we've met about 3/4 times in these past months to pass over some personal stuff and in the later ones to "catch up" but yesterday got weird...

She's been remorseful and apologetic for awhile now and yesterday..just like after our previous meetup, she asked to let her kiss me.

I thought about it long and hard and it felt like we could maybe start rebuilding what we had so after about an hour of walking around debating it in my head, I turned to her and said alright.


Our kissing got heavier and we started getting so caught up in it..eventually she just started reaching down to my pants without even asking and..it was all very passionate.
But I felt like..it just happened...and I shouldn't have let her..


After we were done, (only a lot of foreplay, no full-on sex) she says she still loves me the most but she's too confused about her sexuality, she just wants us to be best friends.
But then I told her best friends don't do what we just did!..

Then she suggested we be friends with benefits because it felt so good and we had both missed it and maybe it'd help her work things through because she'd know for sure about her sexuality if she felt how it was like with me again.

I told her I love her just too much and I feel like if we aren't on a path to something meaningful and romantic again..then we just shouldn't..as tempting as it is..


I feel so used and like..I betrayed myself.
I rejected her before but how did I let it get so out of control yesterday?..
I was strong all this while but so many old memories came back and I just felt like maybe we were ready to try taking those first few steps again..

I feel really shitty that..I let her do that..
Even though I'm "the guy", I still feel so used and taken advantage of...how could she possibly have that sexual moment with me be so casual?

And how could I have enjoyed it?..

I even went to the temple right after that because I just feel so much like I f'ed up really badly..
I can't tell any of my friends because they'd just judge me too and now I don't know what to think...

Sorry for the long post..I'm just so ashamed of myself..

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Jacob at Scarleteen
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Oh Frankie!

I'm so sorry to hear all of this especially the anti-frankie statements like feeling ashamed and as though you f'ed up or betrayed yourself.

I'm not sure what any of your friends would say, I hope they would be supportive but I'll say that you have 100% nothing to be ashamed of.

It sounds like your ex has really been pushing your boundaries and her reaching down to your pants was not cool.

It doesn't sound to me like any part of your current interactions with her are something you want (correct me if I'm wrong), so you could consider taking a break from even hanging out if it's leading to stuff that you don't want.

Of course if this sort of thing does happen, I don't think it's anything to feel guilty about. You just made the decisions that at the time you felt most comfortable with and that's ok. It's not easy to ask people to stop, especially when they're not respecting the signs we're giving. At the time, maybe they were actually better decisions for you, and like you said a lot of it did feel good, even if in a mixed and confusing way. But now that you step back they're different from what you want over all and you're in the position to maybe make some decisions now which could make it easier for you in the future to get what you want from situations.

I feel that with all of this you could benefit from moving away from the idea that there are things here which you 'should' do or 'shouldn't do. Maybe this whole situation is making you uncomfortable and you want to cut off contact or maybe you want to continue testing the waters to see what feels ok, but either way your own decsions are things which I think you're entitled to and which you are in your rights to accept and feel ok about, even if they are decisions you change, or decisions you feel differently about up close or from afar.

I just want to send you so many well wishes. I don't think anyone should have to feel ashamed for what happened to you.

What do think you'd like to do now?

Is there anything you can think of which could be helpful for you? Either to ask of yourself, or ask of the people around you or ask of her?

[ 08-11-2013, 06:44 AM: Message edited by: Jacob at Scarleteen ]

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FrankieFrog
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Hey Jacob!

Thank you so very much for your response, it made me feel very reassured..I actually felt okay about myself after that!

Like the saying goes..hindsight is indeed always 20/20..so..yeah, I'll try to remember that.


I feel like I want to keep testing the waters..and see if we can remain friends, but at the same time I almost feel like I'm overextending for someone who could actually treat me so badly!..

Her good outweigh her bad though that can be subjective..but it makes me feel like I'd like to keep communication open with her, though I'm not okay with meeting her in person for now.

I think it'd really help me right now to feel validated again..or to have the prospect of a new relationship..

But what would really help the most would be if I could have some power and control over my romantic life back..
Right now there's no one I'm interested in, nor anyone who's interested in me, and meanwhile my ex has already had a few crushes and people crushing on her..

I wish I could at least feel like...there is someone to give my love to again.
My romantic future would be..less of her and more free and with more hope.

Now it just seems to feel like she's got me wrapped around her finger but I just want her back..because she doesn't seem to have entirely closed the door, ie. saying she's confused.

But I want something definitive!..I want closure..

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Robin Lee
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Hi Frankie,

You know, you get to say that there needs to be something definitive. That is, even if your ex hasn't completely closed the door, you get to say that you're not willing to live in limbo and that, as much as you care, you aren't considering this relationship a possibility anymore.

That's not your only option of course, but the ball isn't just in her court. A relationship takes two people, and ending a relationship can also take two people.

Regardless of what your ex says, you get to say if you want to keep holding out hope, or actively trying to work things out with her, or deciding that you just don't want this uncertainty anymore.

--------------------
Robin

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FrankieFrog
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Alright, Robin..

It's been on my mind all-day and I think I want to end it..
As uncertain as the world seems now, I don't think I can live with being in that limbo.

It's not easy though..and I don't even know if I can bring myself to give her that ultimatum.

I don't think I could face her to tell her that..and it seems unhealthy to just go cold turkey and ignore her..

What should I do?..is there some other way?

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Heather
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I wonder if it might be helpful, Frankie, to take some time and think about how healthy -- or rather, not healthy -- a relationship is if and when we don't feel able to tell someone what we want and need or to set healthy limits and boundaries with them.

What do you think?

--------------------
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FrankieFrog
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Hey Heather,

Sorry for taking so long to reply..well I managed to tell her how I feel and now we're trying to keep things cordial and courteous but there's a dilemma..

I still sometimes have fantasies about her..and usually if I masturbate thinking about them, they're very strong..yet I feel horrible so now anytime it happens I force myself not to till the fantasies go away...

Is this healthy?..
What should I do?..
It makes me feel so..cheap..that I could still get aroused by someone who hurt me so much..

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Robin Lee
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Hey Frankie,

That's terrific that you were able to tell her how you feel.

When someone is in a relationship for a long time, and they've focused all their energy on that one person, the feelings, associations, and memories aren't going to go away overnight. They likely will never completely go away.

So, the fact that you fantasize about her, and that these fantasies are arousing, isn't at all surprising. After all, she was a big part of your sexual life for a long time.

So, cut yourself a little slack. Fantasizing about her doesn't mean anything in terms of the other feelings you have about her and the way she's treated you.

Of course, if the fantasizing really bothers you, you can choose not to do so. We all get to choose what we fantasize about, though images and memories can still crop up even if we're not actively thinking about them.

Does this all make sense?

--------------------
Robin

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FrankieFrog
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Yeah definitely!..but is it emotionally healthy if I continue to fantasize about her?

In light of moving on and trying to break away from these painful emotions..what will this do?..

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Robin Lee
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Well, continuing to fantasize about her certainly could make it harder for you to move on.

I can't say for certain--no one can--what it *will* do. People's thoughts and emotions, and the connections between those, are just too variable and complicated to say anything for certain.

However, knowing what I do about human nature, I can say that it's likely continuing to fantasize about your ex could make it more difficult for you to move on. After all, thinking about her is going to keep her more present in your life, and also stir up emotions, both positive and negative, that you're likely still trying to come to terms with without having them stirred up extra.


You're the only one who knows what works for you at any given time, though.

--------------------
Robin

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FrankieFrog
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Hey Robin,

Thanks so much..I see your point..

But do you think I should be forcing myself to NOT fantasize about her?..or just allow my thoughts to be natural but not excessive?..

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Robin Lee
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Hi Frankie,

That's really a judgment call you need to be making for yourself.

Is the amount that you're thinking about your ex right now causing you discomfort or distress? If so, that's a good sign that something needs to change.

--------------------
Robin

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