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» Scarleteen Boards: 2000 - 2014 (Archive) » SCARLETEEN CENTRAL » Relationships » Venting

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Author Topic: Venting
Member # 105356

Icon 1 posted      Profile for Spring0392     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post 
Hello everyone, I recently moved In with my fiancé. We have been dating since we were in 8th grade nonstop, and we have been very happy together. We moved in together at the end of may, and so far things have been going well. However, I was wondering, Is it normal to feel a sense of sadness at times when you go back home to your old house to visit? I miss being with my family, but I am also very happy with my fiancé. I guess I always have a hard time dealing with change. My mom seems to miss me a lot, and I guess it just really makes me feel like a bad person. I make sure to visit both of my parents at least two times a week, but somehow I feel like they think its not enough. My parents are divorced by the way. I just feel guilty because I feel like i am a bad daughter for leaving home. Also, is there any way that you guys can help me deal with all the negative comments I get daily from people who are " disappointed" in me? From the moment I got engaged, I have been receiving negative feedback. I mean some people are really hurtful. Some tell me that I'm an idiot, while others tell me that they think my parents should be ashamed of me. A lot of people have also told me that its very sad that I feel it is necessary to be married. I guess you could say that I am a very sensitive person, but I just get upset when so many people try to constantly put me down. I understand that I'm only 21, and that is indeed pretty young, however, both my fiancé and I are going to finish school before getting married. We both have about two years left, which gives us time to save money. I'm constantly told that I'm going to hell because I'm "living in sin" as well. I guess I'm just here because I need to vent. Some people can just be so negative and hurtful sometimes, and it sucks. Have any of you been through a similar situation? Anyone with disappointed family? Friends? People in general?
Posts: 11 | From: US | Registered: Mar 2013  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Member # 95598

Icon 1 posted      Profile for CSandSourpatch     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post 
Hi Spring,

Your plight totally touches me. At least, the parts about how people feel that you have no business getting married.

I'll start right off the bat with this: my boyfriend and I (Yup, not even engaged, and we're just a bit older than you.) are living together. There were a few people who asked me (rather shocked) "What would you parents think?" Joke's on them--my parents moved in together before they were married, too, and they've been married for 30 years! I've also heard worries about how we're not invested in each other enough; that we might break up. Well, the reality of relationships is that they can end at any time, and some endings are just more legally and financially messy than others. But, more than that, we might not break up at all!

I'm not religious, and I come from a pretty non-religious area, so "living in sin" isn't something I hear all that often, but here's something to think about: these people who say this ought to know that humans aren't perfect. Part of life, to these people (at least, from my ex-Catholic point of view) is that we're all tempted and we're all sinners in that sometimes, we mess up and do something that isn't good by someone's standards. That said, I don't think loving someone for a third of your life and living with them before you're married is a sin--in fact, I think it's beautiful!

As for the comments about how it's "sad" that you feel you need to get married... ugh! Again, it's *sad* that you love someone? Sad? What on earth is going on there? I think these people must be confusing marriage with subjugation. And even if you do want to be a homemaker, if that's a happy, workable arrangement for you, who else's business is it?! If you want to work and people think you're not going to pay attention to your husband... I have no idea what to say about that. I mean, working 8 hours a day and sleeping for 8 leaves 8 to be with someone you love, right?

At the end of the day, you do what makes you happy, both as an individual, and as a couple, because in your relationship, you're the only two who matter. I know how hard it can be not to take these attacks personally, but I try to keep in mind that those comments are a reflection on the people saying them, not on the people hearing them.

I just want to let you know that you have support from someone, even if it's someone you don't know. Love is a beautiful thing, and whether you have it at 14 or 21 or 35 or 77, good for you! [Smile]

As to feeling guilty about not spending time with your parents, I know how that goes, too. It's hard! I try to keep in contact with my parents several days a week through facebook and text messages and calls, and I visit once or twice a month.

Change is hard, especially when it's drastic and you've been used to the way things were for a long time, but you can find a way to make it work, I promise you!

[ 08-16-2013, 10:26 PM: Message edited by: CSandSourpatch ]

Posts: 81 | Registered: Apr 2012  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator

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