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» Scarleteen Boards: 2000 - 2014 (Archive) » SCARLETEEN CENTRAL » Relationships » (Heather) Advice please:(

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Author Topic: (Heather) Advice please:(
BreakingSilence
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So this new guy is still in my life. I spent the whole day and night with him yesterday, and thought things were great. Then tonight he calls me and told me that his checking account was empty after he just deposited money into it yesterday. He was like " I don't know what to do? " I suggested checking online or calling the bank. Then he actually said "You didn't spend it , did you?" Hearing that made me so angry. I flat out asked him "Are you seriously accusing me right now?" . His only response was " well I had to ask. Its happened to me in the past, and you were the only one with me yesterday" I said " well when would I have even had time to use it? It really hurt me to the point that I started crying. He then said he believed me. I tried to tell him maybe something went wrong at the bank, then arrives home and finds in the mail a letter stating a bank error. He apologized like 10 times, and said he would make it up to me, but now I don't even know how I feel about him. Am I wrong for feeling accused? Ive never stolen anything in my life. Should I just let it go and assume he still had his guard up? Part of me wants to distance myself because its my defense mode. I really like him, but he hurt my feelings beyond belief. Should I allow this issue to put a damper on our friendship, and relationship? I told him how hurt i was for him to assume i did something i had not. What would you do?

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Sometimes the only thing we can do is accept what we have no control over.

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Robin Lee
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HI destiny's Child,

I just wanted you to know that someone saw this. Heather should be in later today.

I'm so sorry that this guy's first instinct was to accuse you of something that you really couldn't even have done.

You're not wrong for feeling really hurt and confused by this!

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Robin

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BreakingSilence
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Robin,thank you very much for letting me know [Smile]

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Sometimes the only thing we can do is accept what we have no control over.

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BreakingSilence
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I appreciate you responding and for your kind words. I'm glad I'm not wrong for feeling this way

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Sometimes the only thing we can do is accept what we have no control over.

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Heather
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Oh man, this certainly sounds like it sucked, big-time. [Frown]

And of course it made you feel crappy: how could it not?

I don't think there's any one right or wrong set of choices as to where to take this from here.

For example, maybe you're really into this guy, but he has big-time issues with trust (which it sounds like he does, not to mention maybe not being so bright -- after all, if he didn't give you access to his bank information, it's not like you're a world-class spy who could figure out how to embezzle from him). Maybe you want to are are willing to accept those and find ways with him to be together where he works on those, and you support his work on those, with healthy limits and boundaries around this. Like, for instance, an agreement for him to stop and think for two seconds before he reacts to something like this in this way.

Or maybe you are really into this guy, but the way he went about this, or these kinds of issues just aren't things you want to deal with or feel up to dealing with. So, you want to step away from this or be done with this guy, only building a relationship with someone who has their shit more together in this department.

Even with just two options like those, I don't see a right or wrong, just what feels right to you and what you want to do.

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Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me • Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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BreakingSilence
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Heather, thanks for your response. Yes, it did suck really bad. I mean I figured someone who let me into their home would have had more trust for me. It just doesn't make sense.

We were at the store and he used his debit card, and I saw him type in his pin number and I totally made a joke. He knew I was joking, but I said something along the lines of "good to know" in a joking way. We were having a good time, both laughed after I said it, but maybe he took it literally? Who knows? Maybe I should have never made the joke. I have a terrible memory for things. Even after all these years today I finally changed my default ST password to something I could remember without checking my email every time I log in. Anyways, I joke all the time, but I always make sure people know that I am joking.

I mean within a day and a half this man cooked for me, ordered food in for me. I hate taking things from people, but he wanted to go to the store for a bogo on athletic shoes. He insisted I get a pair ( after him knowing I am broke right now)because it would be a "better deal", so he purchased me a pair of shoes and a tshirt since everything was buy 1 get 1 half off. I don't like to take things from people, but I didn't want to be rude and decline since he kept on insisting. What hurts me the most is after all the things he did for me the previous day why would I ever be that greedy as to steal when obviously he'd do almost anything for me? I'm not a greedy person and I feel that he was telling me I was greedy having asked me if I spent the money. I don't know, I just don't know how to feel about it. I don't know about you, but I don't do those kind of things for people I do not trust. Seems odd to me. He then tells me "I knew you didn't do it, I just had to hear it from you"..

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Sometimes the only thing we can do is accept what we have no control over.

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Heather
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Sounds like what you might just need right now is some time and space to sort through your feelings around this and decide what you want to do per next steps?

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Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me • Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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BreakingSilence
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I agree. It's really hard to tell what I should do. I'm definitely not as mad as I was yesterday, but it caught me off guard, way off guard.

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Sometimes the only thing we can do is accept what we have no control over.

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Heather
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I can certainly understand that!

Do you feel like in sorting out your feelings and making decisions, you'd be best able to do that without talking to him about all of this right now, or better able to with a big discussion, saying all the kinds of things you have here?

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Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me • Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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BreakingSilence
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Well honestly he knows I'm upset. I was crying on the phone, and I told him almost everything I told you. He just keeps saying how bad he feels, how he wants to make it up to me, how sorry he is, and how wrong he was. Maybe I should just put everything out there to him now? I just really hurt me because I would never steal from anybody. That really bothers me. Its not something I can over look in a day [Frown]

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Sometimes the only thing we can do is accept what we have no control over.

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BreakingSilence
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I just kind of feel like I need to take a few steps back, but at the same time want to stress to him how upset I am. I'm so confused.. if my best friend had asked me such a foolish question I'd even be pissed at her, so I guess it's not just with him, but anyone would have me this hurt

Apparently his family and ex girlfriends have stolen money from him in the past ( to buy drugs, alcohol , etc) He said he just didn't know how to ask?

[ 08-04-2013, 01:35 PM: Message edited by: Destiny'schild ]

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Sometimes the only thing we can do is accept what we have no control over.

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Heather
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How about this: you ask for a few days to yourself to sort out your own feelings and thoughts, and then ask if, when you've done that, he'd be interested in scheduling a time with you to sit down and talk through this?

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Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me • Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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BreakingSilence
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That sounds good. I will try this. Thank you very much [Smile]

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Sometimes the only thing we can do is accept what we have no control over.

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Heather
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Sure thing. I'm so sorry this happened: it just sounds really crummy. [Frown]

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Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me • Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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BreakingSilence
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It's okay. I appreciate your help more than you'll ever know. [Smile] One day I hope I'm able to help others the way you do [Smile]

[ 08-04-2013, 02:40 PM: Message edited by: Destiny'schild ]

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Sometimes the only thing we can do is accept what we have no control over.

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Heather
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That's a lovely compliment, thank you. [Smile] And you're more than welcome.

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Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me • Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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BreakingSilence
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You're welcome [Smile]

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Sometimes the only thing we can do is accept what we have no control over.

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