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Author Topic: Just be her friend or leave altogether?
InLoveInPain
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Hi everybody,
I've been gone for quite some time. Anyway, here's my current situation. I've been working as an entertainer at an amusement park since late March. During job training for that I met an amazing girl. I had a thing for her right away. Almost immediately, I knew she was special. At first I was just thinking summer fling. With us being co-workers I didn't think it'd be a good idea for anything more serious. Anyway, we would hang out, talk, and I'd make her laugh all the time. It was stuff like that. I gradually grew more and more attached to her. i don't know how to explain it. I just fell so hard for this girl. I knew I had to make a move at some point. She then left the park to take a summer internship. I was somewhat devastated by that news. But she was still living close by so we decided we'd still hang out whenever we were both not busy (i.e. not very often). At this point I decided I wanted way more than a summer fling with her so I was taking things a bit slow. I was worried I'd come on to strong if I just immediately confronted her with my true feelings. So, I held back. By this point she was also hanging out with my supervisor. They'd known each other for a couple years and never seemed to be anything more than friends so I didn't perceive him as a threat. I was wrong. Long story short, he asked her out before I did and they are currently in a relationship. I never even got to share my true feelings towards her!

I was heartbroken to say the least. Upon learning of her new relationship, I simply sent her a text out of desperation saying, "You know I've always liked you." She, honestly, had no clue and felt really guilty. Hell, even her new boyfriend felt kinda bad (or so I've heard). I decided it best to not contact her for awhile until I was over how things went down. I then contacted her again and we agreed to hang out again a couple weekends ago. She cancelled on me about 2 hours before we were supposed to hang out. Last weekend, she basically did the same thing. Now, this is not unusual behavior for as she has cancelled on me before any of this went down. She's also been known to cancel on her boyfriend (who BTW is no loner my supervisor as I was transferred to another part of the park). It's just something she does so I'm trying to not think too negatively about it. However, it's kind of hard not to.

The fact is, my feelings still exist for her and are just as strong. Yeah, I got over the situation but not over. You don't just suddenly stop feeling a certain way about somebody. Despite the fact that I've even told her I wouldn't even mind me, her, her boyfriend, and others to hang out together like we've done before all this happened. However, I'm getting the impression that she sees through that and that's why she's canceling on me. I guess what I'm asking is, what do I do and where do I go from here?

The way I see it, I have a few options. I can keep going along as if nothing's wrong by just casually trying to make plans with her again. I can stop attempting to make plans with her and see what happens. If she asks why I can just say I got the impression that she really didn't want to see me. Or I can write a letter explaining my true feelings for her and see where that takes us. Honestly, I feel like that's something I should do. I've already started a letter and I really don't want to leave things unsaid. Right now she only knows I like(d) her or have a thing for her. That doesn't do my feelings justice at all. Making such a letter would be a huge risk though. So, I need to decide if it's worth it should the worst happen.

If I decide to not make a letter and just go on I would be content on just being friends. THis is hardly new territory to me as those of you who saw my previous thread about being best friends with a girl for years while deep down wanting more. She, herself, has said that we have a connection that she doesn't want to break. I care so much about her that I'm willing to do what it takes to spend time with her even if it's not in the way I really want to.

I just don't know what to do or where to go from here. I'm seriously CRAZY about this girl. It's stronger than I've ever felt for any other girl (including the one mentioned in my previous thread).

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Heather
Executive Director & Founder
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I'm so sorry to hear this: things like this where our timing just plain sucks really stink. [Frown]

(But it is good to see you again, despite the crummy reason!)

I think per where to go from here, you follow your gut. Clearly, you felt really unhappy you didn't get to express how you felt before, so I'm with you on going forward and doing that now with the letter you want to write.

Of course, that doesn't mean she'll share those feelings or want to date, so yeah, you have to figure out if you can handle her responding to it with something other than a "Yes, I feel the same way," including even getting a nonresponse. Also including, obviously, an "I'm dating someone else right now," which seems like a response you might well get.

[ 07-25-2013, 09:48 AM: Message edited by: Heather ]

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Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
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InLoveInPain
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The thing is, if I decide to go through with the letter I have to decide what "tone" I want it to take. Part of me wants to make it a "we should be together" tone. I want her to truly know what she's passing up by not being with me. Obviously, that is EXTREMELY risky as if she feels nothing for me, it will likely just chase her away. I need to decide if that gamble is worth it.

Another tone I could take with it is more of a "confession" tone. It certainly won't attract her to me but it could cause her to sympathize with me and likely will keep her around in my life.

I could also go with more of a "I just thought you should know..." tone and not have a whole lot of emotion in it. That's a bit of a gamble and a bit anxiety inducing as it basically leaves everything up to her own interpretation and I'll have no idea what to expect.

Or I could forget about a tone and just speak from the heart which will likely result in a combination of all three.

I was really hoping things could just be normal for us. I wish things could go back to the way they were before. However, it's looking more and more unlikely that that'll ever be the case. I'm gonna try one more time to hang out with her. This'll be the 3rd strike so-to-speak and if I'm gonna go down, I'm gonna go down swinging (meaning I'll go through with the letter). If we can't even be friends than it really doesn't matter if I never hear from her again.

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Robin Lee
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personally, I'd vote for not trying to set a tone and just saying what you feel. I think that would be the most fair to her, and ultimately, the easiest for you, though, I know, none of this is easy.

You really, really can't influence her feelings or actions so I think just writing from your heart is the soundest choice. Her feelings are already set, and she gets to choose her actions, regardless of what you want or how you write the letter. [Smile]

I know this hurts and feels truly crappy.

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Robin

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InLoveInPain
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I guess the reason I was asking about a tone is more about me trying to figure out my own motivation for writing the letter and what message I'm truly trying to send and what I hope this will accomplish. I guess I need to figure out what I realistically hope to gain by writing the letter. That is, if there's anything to gain at all. Maybe I'm over thinking this...
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Robin Lee
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What if you go ahead and start writing a letter so you can put all your feelings and thoughts down? You can then decide if you want to actually send the letter, and, if you do, how how or if you'd like to change what you've written.

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Robin

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InLoveInPain
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Sounds good. I've started part of the letter already actually.
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InLoveInPain
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I'm starting to seriously reconsider the letter. In fact, now I feel I most likely won't go through with it. Mostly, because at this point I see it as a terrible idea and it will likely drive her away from me completely. That is..if I haven't already lost her anyway.

See the thing is she stopped talking to me altogether. I haven't heard from her in a solid 2 weeks now and she stopped responding to my texts. I'm REALLY worried I may have lost her altogether now. HELP! I don't know what to do. I can't lose her completely! She means too much to me!

I may be reading into this with too much paranoia and negativity but I have to at least be open to the idea that something is really wrong and I need to find out if it's something I did or said so I can fix it. I don't even care about my feelings for her anymore. I just want her in my life! I just want things to go back to "normal" between us!

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Molias
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Oh no, I'm sorry to hear that she hasn't been talking to you lately.

I think at this point that it would be fine for you to ask what's up, and if she's intentionally not contacting you (vs. just being busy or flaky), but if she either says she doesn't want to talk to you at the moment or she doesn't respond - which at some point sends the same message as a clear statement of not wanting to keep in touch - then it's important to respect that, even though it would be really painful. =(

It's a really sad situation when someone you really care about isn't into you in the same way, but part of caring for someone is respecting their wishes, even if they aren't what you'd want. Does that make sense?
And maybe writing some of your feelings down, whether they're in a letter you send or just one you hold onto, will still be helpful in getting all of that emotion out somewhere.

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InLoveInPain
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Ok, I just heard from a mutual friend of ours that she has been extremely busy lately, hasn't really had time for anyone, and has been "ignoring" a lot of people including her boyfriend. So, at least now I know it's nothing personal. However, I do think this means we'll be apart for awhile.

I guess what I should do with this time apart is try to figure how to make my feelings go away and deal with the heartbreak and regret. I just wish I knew how to do that. I don't even know if it's possible...

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MusicNerd
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Hey InLoveInPain! So sorry to see you hurting like this. [Frown] It really sucks when someone doesn't feel the same way about you. Trust me, I know; been there, done that so many times, I swear I have a membership card to the Unrequited Crush Club.

But in all seriousness, I know it doesn't seem like it now, but it'll get easier to deal with these feelings as time goes by.

Until then, do you have a close friend you can vent to about this in person? Also, do you have any hobbies or group activities that you like to take part in?

[ 08-08-2013, 11:17 PM: Message edited by: MusicNerd ]

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"Be who you are and say what you feel, because those who mind don't matter and those who matter don't mind." ~Dr. Seuss

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InLoveInPain
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Unfortunately, I don't have many friends down here I can vent to. That's why losing her all together would be so devastating. There are really only 2 other people down in this new area that I moved to that I consider friends. One of whom is a friend of hers and the other has told me he doesn't want to hear anymore about this.

I also don't really have any hobbies as I really don't have time for them. I work a lot. It's pretty sad but work is actually my escape right now. It's when I have a day off (usually once a week) that I have time to sit down think about this and that's when I get most upset.

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MusicNerd
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You know, typically it's good to have friends and activities not only because of the connections we can make with others, but also because when something like an unrequited crush happens it won't be so devastating since we'll have that support system and a positive outlet for doing things we enjoy (and as an added bonus, it can help us take our minds off of crummy things).

I don't know what work hours you have, but do you know of any places you could volunteer, or any activities or clubs you'd like to be a part of outside of work? What do you enjoy doing? What are you passionate about? Social justice, theater, sports, animals, etc?

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"Be who you are and say what you feel, because those who mind don't matter and those who matter don't mind." ~Dr. Seuss

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