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» Scarleteen Boards: 2000 - 2014 (Archive) » SCARLETEEN CENTRAL » Relationships » the way he masturbates

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Author Topic: the way he masturbates
Member # 107395

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My boyfriend goes on facebook and looks at (non-sexual) pictures of women while he masturbates.

I understand that fantasies aren't necessarily what we want to actually happen in real life. I'm not worried about him cheating. Nonetheless, if he had never met the girls he was looking at while he masturbated, I don't think his habits would bother me. Because he knows them, I am bothered. He's tried to stop more than once (even before he met me, his first girlfriend), but he came back to it. I've stayed quiet about how it makes me feel because I don't want him to feel worse.

We've talked about having an open and honest relationship, so I feel like I need to tell him. I think he'd be disappointed if I hold this in, and I don't want to bottle up unpleasant feelings toward him. I don't know what to say to him, though. He's a sensitive guy who feels bad about it already. I do want his behavior to change, but I'm not sure I should get any influence over how he masturbates. Do you have any tips about what I can say to him?

{My ex made me feel unattractive when he insulted my body and talked about the girls we'd see together that he "wanted to bang". My current guy isn't like my ex at all (especially because he wants to change without even knowing that it bothers me), but I think the problem with my ex may be influencing my feelings with my current guy.}

Posts: 8 | Registered: Apr 2013  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Member # 107910

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Hey there!

I'm not sure if I should leave this to the volunteers and administrators! But I just wanted to give you some insight and advice. Any way, that I could. It's a difficult situation to be in. I know the feeling of being torn. You don't want to mention it, because you love and care for your guy - who's sensitive. But at the same time, we need to remember and acknowledge our feelings too. Relationships are a two-way street. And whatever we do, or our partners for that matter, affects us. I truly think that, you should mention this to him. It's obviously bothering you, and will ultimately start to fester. You don't want your relationship to change. Or to start feeling bitterness because he won't change, or acknowledge that it bothers you. He won't know (and believe me. Men don't always get it, unless shown) until you tell him. Maybe it's time to sit him down? In a casual way. And tell him, that you're feeling a little bit put out, that this is happening. That it may feel good for him at the time? But ultimately you are starting to feel bothered. There's no doubt he loves and cares for you. Maybe he needs a bit of a push, to try and stop this habit. I know you mentioned that he feels bad about it already. And in a strange way, that might make the conversation easier? Maybe he'll say. "Yeah, I know... And I'm sorry. We can figure something out." I doubt he'll get defensive. He doesn't sound like the type. Just remember to speak from the heart. He's your partner. And the person you care about. If it's meant to be, you can speak from the heart, and he'll always be there. In terms of tips, on what to say? I personally would just have a heartfelt conversation. Mention that, you understand he needs to have his alone time. To pleasure himself. But also that, you are uncomfortable knowing that, he looks at pictures of girls he's familiar with. I'm sure if that were you? He might be a bit uncomfortable too. Just don't play the "blame game." And I'm sure you'll be just fine.

Posts: 7 | From: Canada. | Registered: Jul 2013  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Carpe Diem
Member # 47124

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I think you have answer a lot of your question yourself. 1st, you said that you realized that fantasies are exactly that: fantasies. And fantasies are not necessarily destined to become realities.

How he masturbates is how he masturbates. Just like how you masturbate is how you msturbate and how I masturbate is how I masturbate.

That being said, I hear you saying that part of how he does that bothers you (that part being the fact that he knows the people involved in his fantasies).

So, keeping in mind that you realize that his fantasies/masturbation habits are his and his alone, coupled with the fact that you want to have an open and honest relationship and tell him how you feel, why not just go ahead with that in a very understanding way.

It appears you already seem to have a firm grasp on the situation (as per what you want to communicate with him), so what is it that you feel uncomfortable with? Is it how to manoeuvre the conversation or start it all together?

By the way, how do you know that he has already tried to change the way he masturbates if you have never brought up the subject with him?

Posts: 210 | From: Canada | Registered: May 2010  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Member # 107395

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Thanks for replying! I appreciate responses from anyone. [Smile]

Entrzynne: I don't think he will get defensive; he already feels guilty and wants to change. I think you're right that I really do need to just bring it up, being careful not to blame him for anything. It's just that he's already tried to change, so it's probably an urge that's hard for him to control.

Carpe Diem: I spent some time composing my post, which helped me work through my thoughts.

He's actually brought this whole thing up, completely on his own, twice. The first time, he made this big deal of his "confession". Yesterday, he brought it up again in a relevant discussion about sex. Then, I almost explained that it bothered me, but he had been amazingly understanding to me that morning and I chickened out because he had just been like the best boyfriend ever and I didn't want to be a crappy girlfriend.

I'm struggling with whether or not it's my place to tell him my opinions about how he masturbates alone. I want to avoid controlling my boyfriend (and I'm careful about that because I've been the controlled one in a relationship). He's masturbating alone; it just doesn't seem like I should get to control how he does it. I think that in my ideal situation, I just wouldn't know who he thinks about when he masturbates. I could handle him thinking about celebrities or porn stars. I felt hurt when he told me yesterday that he has only thought about me once or twice, though.

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Robin Lee
Volunteer Assistant Director
Member # 90293

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Hi there katierose,

I certainly get how you didn't want to bring up negative things because you were feeling so happy with and appreciative of your boyfriend that day, but talking about how you feel doesn't make you a crappy girlfriend. yes, there certainly are better and worse times to discuss different thoughts and feelings, but sharing what we're really thinking and feeling doesn't, again, make us crappy people. There are crappy ways to do it, sure, but we still get to be honest.

You've said you don't want to control what he does on his own time. you've also said that you aren't comfortable with knowing who he thinks about during his fantasies.

So, do you think that you can just not think about that? That is, you don't generally know when he masturbates alone, or who specifically he's thinking about at those times, unless he tells you. Is this something you feel like you could, then, just put out of your mind?

it sounds like your boyfriend feels guilty about this and feels like he has to tell you. From where I sit, personally, I don't think he does have to tell you, since, as you said, his fantasies are his fantasies and you don't want to be dictating what he does when you're not physically together.

So, telling him that this isn't something you two need to talk about is one option. How do you think that option would work for you?

I also totally get feeling icky that he doesn't think about you much during masturbation. That doesn't say anything at all about how he feels about you, or how he feels when you're together.

Even when people enter into a relationship together (and maybe especially when they do) they still have their own sexuality that they had before they met us, or before they entered into a relationship with us. That sexuality may change, and it may not, but it's likely not going to go away entirely.

What do you think?


Posts: 6066 | From: Washington DC suburbs | Registered: Dec 2011  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Member # 107395

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Robin, thank you so much for your time and expertise! I agree with you that talking about how I feel doesn't make me a crappy girlfriend. Thanks for catching that and helping me feel better about it.

I did end up telling him yesterday that I'd prefer to not talk about who he thinks about while he's masturbating. Like I expected, he was grateful that I told him and felt bad that I had waited a while to tell him it bothered me. I also learned that it wasn't his friends he was looking at, it was friends of friends, which I suppose was good to hear.

Thanks everyone for the help!

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Member # 108133

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I know other guys doing this, it is not unusual [Smile]
Posts: 1 | From: NYC | Registered: Aug 2013  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator

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