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» Scarleteen Boards: 2000 - 2014 (Archive) » SCARLETEEN CENTRAL » Relationships » Did I do the right thing ?!

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Author Topic: Did I do the right thing ?!
Bbk2k11
Neophyte
Member # 100578

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My now ex boyfriend and I have been through too much in the past 7 yrs. he has been selfish,cheated and been emotional,somewhat physical and mentally abusive. I loved him too much to let go. I mean he was my first everything besides kiss. I have so much resentment towards him because everytime he ignored me or hurt me he never wanted to talk about it. He always said leave the past in the past. So I did and things eventually build up overtime, to point where I have so much anger towards him. I met someone this year and we clicked unlike anyone else. We hung almost everyday for hours. He made me feel something I haven't felt in a long time. I have known him for a total of 5 months before I broke it off with my current ex boyfriend because I started catching feelings for him. We have been together for 3 months now and he has treated me so good. I mean we have had arguments but we talked through them like your suppose to. Now my ex constantly calls me because he doesn't get how I get in another relationship so fast. Did I ? I mean the only reason I stayed with my ex is because I felt like I had to because I thought things would get better before they got worse. I wasn't happy with him anymore. We felt more like best friends than bf and gf. I just didn't feel the passion or anything between us anymore. He calls me weak, because I let go so easily but he doesn't get how long I been holding on. He doesn't get anything and I have explained it too many to count. It's fustrating. Am I wrong for getting into another relationship with someone so soon ??
Posts: 38 | From: N/a | Registered: Nov 2012  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Heather
Executive Director & Founder
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You know, sometimes people find they are only able to leave one relationship when they have another to go to. There are often diverse reasons for that, and it's not exactly the best thing to get into a habit of -- mostly because you want to learn to be able to be okay not being in a relationship, rather than needing to always be in one, and we often need time and space between relationships to kind of reset ourselves and our lives -- but I don't think there is a right/wrong with this.

Really, in this case, you're asking about leaving something abusive, so in my book, that changes the nature of a conversation like this no matter what, since ANY way you can get yourself out of an abusive relationships (save doing physical harm to that other person) is better, IMO, than staying in it.

But it does sound like you still haven't totally gotten out of/away from your ex, if he's still contacting you. So, sounds to me like that's some work you still need to do here, to really close that door so you actually HAVE left, you know?

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Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
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Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

Posts: 68290 | From: An island near Seattle | Registered: May 2000  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Bbk2k11
Neophyte
Member # 100578

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I have left. He feels like he is nothing with out me now and he constantly begs and makes me feel guilty for him, then it makes me think maybe I should be with him since we been together for this long, but then I think I'm not doing it for me..ill be doing it for him. I have did everything by not talking to him but lately I been txtn him trying to give him closure. I really like my new bf but its like its not fair that I'm bringing him into my drama because I haven't truly let go. I don't want to lose him tho because he has been the best thing that has happened to me in a long time.
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Heather
Executive Director & Founder
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When I said what I did, I meant that if you two are still talking, and he's still able to do things like call you weak, then the door here hasn't been closed and you haven't all-the-way left yet. I'd say leaving the door open, as it were, for this guy to text you is really the opposite of giving him, or yourself, closure. Effectively, you're making sure by doing that that CAN'T happen, if you follow me.

So, if closure, the real kind, is what you're after here, sounds like a) you need to decide, for good, for yourself you're really done, which I hear you saying you haven't (and again, this is one reason why going from one things right into something else can be problematic, because you didn't take the time to do that processing first), and b) you need to ACTUALLY close things, like having one final conversation together, if you're really done with this previous relationship, and then truly going your separate ways, without contact, and setting strong limits around that.

[ 07-25-2013, 10:48 AM: Message edited by: Heather ]

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Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me • Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

Posts: 68290 | From: An island near Seattle | Registered: May 2000  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Bbk2k11
Neophyte
Member # 100578

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Okay, I completely understand now !! Thank you !! (:
Posts: 38 | From: N/a | Registered: Nov 2012  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
   

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