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» Scarleteen Boards: 2000 - 2014 (Archive) » SCARLETEEN CENTRAL » Relationships » Friends with benefits - possible?

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Author Topic: Friends with benefits - possible?
Member # 95804

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Me and my ex girlfriend did stuff. She says she had never done stuff before - i.e. oral and handjobs/fingering, and I'd only done the latter with a previous ex. We ended up splitting up, and a week or so later she starts seeing someone. Ends it, see's someone else. Ends it, comes back to me for 'things to happen' again, ends it, she starts seeing her close friend, ends it, then she starts a new relationship. According to a mutual friend they've split up now, but I don't know for sure.

Anyway, before she started her last relationship, me and her fell out big time. Then we became okay, then when she started the relationship again, we fell out horribly again, and we stopped talking completely. That was about two months ago. She emailed once in the mean time telling me to take care, and I said to her no hard feelings.

Anyway, I'm single - and if my friend is right, she MIGHT be, but I don't want to make contact just yet.

So, I don't want a relationship with her, but because of 'history', I want to attempt a friends with benefits scenario with her, but not sure if it would be possible? I mean, if she genuinely hasn't done anything with anyone else before - is it possible that if I try and push a friendship with her, those sexual feelings would return?

You see, I don't want a relationship, but I want the benefits of a relationship - and because me and her have had that history, I wanna know a few things;

Is it possible this would ever work, i.e. she'd have those sexual feelings towards me? Is this a really bad idea and not worth it? If it's possible, how do I go about implementing it? I mean, we've already technically done it once when we'd split up and she'd been on dates with a couple of guys.

Or is this just the worst idea I could have and get it out my head?


[ 07-25-2013, 12:32 PM: Message edited by: henrysickle ]

Posts: 14 | From: UK | Registered: May 2012  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
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Member # 79774

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I'm not sure if it's ever a good idea to try to "push" a friendship with someone. For sure, establishing or re-establishing a friendship usually needs some kind of action on our part, but "pushing" implies trying to make something happen that perhaps the other person is less into.

We really can't tell you how someone might feel about you in the future, because each person's feelings are in them, and that's not really something we can predict, you know?

I'm hearing you say that you're thinking about a friends with benefits arrangement with your ex because you have sexual history with her, and not that you want a sexual interaction with her, particularly, rather than anyone else - do I have that right?

A friends-with-benefits arrangement with someone is still a kind of relationship with them. Not "relationship" in the sense of romantic or togetherness, perhaps, but it's still a way of interacting with a person where each person needs to negotiate with each other things like what they want out of the time together, how much time and when, what boundaries and needs each person has. Do you feel that you and she would be able to interact and negotiate in a way that's successful and healthy for the both of you? I notice that you describe a lot of to-ing and fro-ing between the two of you around the end of your relationship.

The kyriarchy usually assumes that I am the kind of woman of whom it would approve. I have a peculiar kind of fun showing it just how much I am not.

Posts: 1786 | From: Europe | Registered: Sep 2011  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator

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