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» Scarleteen Boards: 2000 - 2014 (Archive) » SCARLETEEN CENTRAL » Relationships » widowed (Page 1)

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Author Topic: widowed
Daaante
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Christmas last year my wife died after giving birth to our second child, the last six months i have spent my time trying to keep my kids life routined and stable, as well as trying to keep my job and running the home, but as of late i just start to realise things aren't going as well. I drink a lot more than i realised, im irritable with my older daughter, when my kids are at their grandparents, i spend my weekends drunk and depressed or drunk and in bed with women, when im with my baby daughter i just feel seriously resentful and angry, and push her on my parents more often than not. I take escitalopram and see a counsellor occasionally, i am majorly feeling like i've hit this wall and cant carry on.
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Heather
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Daante: I am so, so very sorry for your loss.

The counselor that you're seeing: is this a grief counselor? And are you being honest with them about how you're feeling, and what's been going on?

You say you push your daughter on your parents, but have you told them how you have been feeling, and asked for more help and support from them?

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Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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Daaante
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Hey thanks. Yeah she's a grief counsellor. Last time i went i just blew up emotionally vommed all over the woman. Im not sure where my relationship stands with my parents any more i stopped talking with them more just palming my kid off. My mum tries talking to me but whenever i do talk to her she just cries which frankly isn't helpful so i gave up on it.
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Heather
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You know, going through what you're going though is obviously going to be hard as hell for anyone. Going through it so young? Twenty times as hard. This is GIANT hard stuff.

I agree, your Mom crying isn't going to offer you any support. But it's also okay for you to emotionally vomit on your therapist: that's what they're there for! Better than bottling it up, as I'm sure she probably told you.

Let's try this: what do you feel like you need, right now, to cope?

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Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
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Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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Daaante
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I just want to be able to miss her, and remember her, and be sad without people looking at me all sympathetic, or tell me it will be okay or tell me to move on. I don't want to have to pretend to be happy. Its wearing me down i never get a chance to just be.
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Heather
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So, if I hear you right, you want some real time to grieve, and to get permission from people around you to do that?

[ 06-09-2013, 01:01 PM: Message edited by: Heather ]

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Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
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Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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Daaante
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I think so, yeah.
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Heather
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Okay. And by all means, having time and permission to grieve and feel as sad as you are is really important to getting through something like this. If you haven't had or felt that, it's no wonder you're struggling so badly.

Do you feel able to talk to the people around you and ask them for this? If not, is this something you've asked your grief counselor for help with?

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Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
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Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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Daaante
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I tried asking people to leave me alone, i tried telling them im fine, and its not that im not grateful for them. But they just don't leave me alone, if i don't answer the phone they come round, if i don't answer they get my family involved, im a grown *** man its frustrating, as for permission, i doubt it even though i tried.
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Heather
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Oh brother. [Frown]

Have you tried making clear that the way they're responding is something you feel is making all of this harder for you instead of easier? If so, how have these folks responded to that?

Alternately, do you think perhaps having a week for yourself, somewhere where you didn't know anyone, and could be alone, totally alone, and just cry (or yell, what have you) these feelings out for that kind of time, and with that kind of space, would help? If so, is it possible for you to get that kind of time, including care for your daughter while you take it?

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Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
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Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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Daaante
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Last time i tried to i ended up loosing it abs having a massive tantrum. And since then i just opted to ignore it. The more irritated i get the more they close in on me. Hmm i hadn't really thought about getting away but im pretty sure i could.
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Heather
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Is there anyone -- maybe even just one person -- who you feel like might be able to have your back with this, respect what you're asking you for, and help you arrange that time away, including explaining to the people who are not getting this why they need to give you that room?

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Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me • Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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Heather
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(Btw, I'm afraid I have to head out for the day today, but if you'd like to pick this up with me tomorrow, I'll be here. Sorry to leave you hanging!)

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Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
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Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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Daaante
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Im really not sure, maybe my dad but its not great with him. But he was always more understanding.
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Heather
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Turns out I was able to hop back for a little bit.

How about starting by talking with your dad about this, just to see?

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Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
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Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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Daaante
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Oh sorry i didn't see you had did that it hadn't loaded i don't think. I'll try tomorrow, i have my kids tonight and it hitting the fan with them here is something i can do without.
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Heather
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No trouble: you know where to find me/us when the timing works for you. Hang in there, Daante, and don't forget to give yourself props. This is a LOT to handle, and that you're coping at all means you're clearly doing your best.

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Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
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Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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Daaante
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Thank you, not stewing on life and being able to talk was aa big help, i spoke to my dad today he agreed to talk with my mum about having my kids, which is good i think, he voiced how irritated he is with me and how messed up my relationship with him has gotten, which doesn't fill me with warmth and happiness, it sucks. But its good they're going to help with the kids, my thoughts are really scattered. I don't know if that made sense, sorry.
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Heather
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Sounds like you got a little support, but there's also still a pretty big lack of understanding. On the other hand, maybe that was your dad's way of reaching out and asking to repair your relationship?

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Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
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Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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Daaante
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I don't know maybe, i don't know him any more. We never really got on. He constantly cut me short and i was never what he wanted me to be, im not bashing on him and he was supportive and stuff, i don't know if damage is beyond repair.
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Heather
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It's okay to be critical of your parents.

But maybe this is a door opening to build a relationship if it's something you want? You could certainly use more people in your corner, but obviously you'll know far better than me if this is someone likely to offer more support, or just be another strain on you.

--------------------
Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me • Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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Daaante
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Yeah maybe, i don't know like at the end of the day i know he would back me up and i know we'd be cool but i know it would be stressful as hell, he was practically great about my marriage and it just makes it more difficult now, hmm.
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Heather
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Really, I don't think there's a right or wrong move for you here, just leading with what you think, in your head and heart, is going to best support you. Because right now, I'd say what you and your kids need should come before anything or anyone else.

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Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me • Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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Daaante
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Yeah dude true, thanks for your help.
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Heather
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Of course.

And as you need, happy to talk you through any of this, even just listen if you need to vent. Again, I know what you're going through is harder-than-hard.

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Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me • Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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Daaante
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Hey, im in a really bad mood, and I've got nowhere else to turn to, well without people stressing me out. Soo hi.
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Heather
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Hey there, Daante.

Rant away. [Smile]

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Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me • Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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Daaante
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Hi, oh god damn, the last couple of days have been the days from hell, for one my baby daughter has started not sleeping through the night, i swear she doesn't sleep at all, not even blink she just moans and winges, and then if i bring her in bed with me she just kicks about or stares at me or or moans, like what is the issue, then my mums there with her fist basically in her mouth telling me she's teething, for one she's not, for two you've told me a thousand times already, and for three she's howling she doesn't like it take your hand out of her mouth, then i get the same lecture that she's raised me and my brothers and that she should know, and that im grouchy... I haven't slept of course im grouchy. Then yesterday i get a call from my older daughters school that i need to go in cause she was fighting with another child, and i get there have to leave work by the way so im losing money, and this other kid is beaten up, by my tiny little child how has this happen, so then after a hour of being told im a bad parent i find out that this other kid was being nasty to my daughter about the fact that this kid has a mum and my daughter doesn't, what! Then my mum calls and says she's gonna take me away to see my aunties, im not being rude but i don't want to do that, i really don't want to be smothered by over bearing women, to the point that you get up to go to the bathroom, it becomes a family discussion, like no shhh! It doesn't need to happen, i talked to my friend today and she came out with people around me are apparently on suicide watch and its only a matter of time, oh my god, i think my head exploded i was that angry, no no, really not, i have children who have already lost their mother, they all think im going to off myself and completely screw them up, i mean sure i thought about it, but i would never do it. And suure my counsellor would be great about now, but i don't know whether she's gone up in a puff of magic smoke because i don't know where she's gone. Uhh
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Heather
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How old are both your kids again, Daante?

Sounds like some of what you're dealing with are the dynamics of grandparents, period -- they generally tend to figure they know all there is to know about raising kids when their kids are parents -- and then having it amplified, as it almost always is with young parents. There might even be some gender stuff thrown in there, too: people tend to assume all too often that fathers aren't competent. [Frown]

Combine that with losing sleep, while you're grieving no less? Good lord, I'd be grouchy beyond grouchy, too.

You don't need me to tell you that parenting is hard. especially during rough spots. And sounds like your older child is probably in part feeling an emotional mess herself, having lost her mother, besides the fact that, as you likely already know, kids have to learn conflict resolution, they aren't just born knowing when a kid is mean to you, you don't beat them up: her behaviour like this doesn't make you a bad parent, it just makes her a kid, and probably a kid in pain, as she's going to be no matter how well you parent.

You know, given your posts here, I'm personally not concerned you're going to mess up parenting. For sure, you've got a really awful setup here per things that are going to make it way harder. But it's clear how hard you're trying, and clear you're working hard to still be a parent while you're going through all that you are.

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Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
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Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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Daaante
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My older daughter is 8, my baby daughter is 7 months.
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Heather
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That's a big age gap to grapple with, no less!

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Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me • Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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Daaante
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Yeah its not easy, my older daughter is bright and and clever and wants to know everything about everything and i don't even know the answers to some stuff, and she wants to know what happened to her mum, and gets jealous over the baby,and one kicks off and the other one kicks off i swear they sync up, and its a whole night of tears, i love them i do, i just never expected to be in this position,if im honest i wasn't so sold on the idea of having another baby, and when i'm in a really bad mood i feel like if i didn't have you I'd still have my wife, that's messed up i know and i love her and I'd never hurt her, but sometimes i cant even look at her, i i'm rambling
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Heather
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The smarter ones are always more challenging. [Smile]

You know, from what I know about this kind of loss with childbirth, the feelings you're having about your baby are quite common. I know that doesn't make them any easier, but I figure it might help yo know you're not alone in having them. In other words, they're not about you being a terrible person or a terrible parent: they're about you dealing with your loss and a loss that happened in this way.

And chances are that over time, especially as your baby grows and you get to know her like your older daughter, they will fade away.

Is your older daughter also getting grief counseling?

--------------------
Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me • Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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Heather
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Are you a reader, btw, Daante? I mean, do you enjoy reading?

If so, one of the best books I've ever read on loss and dealing with loss is Joan Didion's "The Year of Magical Thinking." It includes her talking about similar feelings you're having with this, these "what-ifs" or alternate scenarios those of us dealing with a big loss or death will often go to, and addresses them in a really thoughtful, real way, I think.

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Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me • Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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Daaante
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Yeah, the school are in contact with a organisation and they see her once a week, i read sometimes, when I've got the time, I'll look them up.
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