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Author Topic: I'd love an outside opinion on this
Ollandert
Neophyte
Member # 107625

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I've been dating a girl for the past seven months and, until recently, it's been wonderful. We have nearly identical interests and dreams, and interact fantastically. We literally never run out of conversation topics.

Onward to the more complex issues. I apologize in advance for being long winded and giving you a wall of text.

For starters, I have an extremely strong relationship with my mother. She is stay-at-home purely out of love for her children and due to this, she and I are very close. I truly love spending my free time with her and honestly feel guilty when I do things with friends and leave her. Therefore, having a girlfriend puts an obvious strain on me because I'm perpetually stressed about not spending enough time with one of the two. During the winter and spring, everything was fine because I saw my girlfriend every day at school and occasionally on the weekends. Now that summer has begun, any time spent with my girlfriend equals time away from with my mother, which subsequently results in guilt on my part that I'm just leaving her on her own (she is not the one placing that guilt on me; it's my own head). But then I feel bad that I'm not giving my girlfriend the time she deserves. It's a vicious cycle.

Moving on: About a month ago, we had a pregnancy scare (which later I realized wasn't much of a scare) that caused me to take a big step back and examine our relationship. It scared the heck out of me. Due to this, I voiced my concerns to my girlfriend, and we went on a "break." However, nothing is different when we see each other compared to when we were actually "dating" (we still kiss, etc).

In my head, I can't see myself possibly finding someone so much like me out in the world as she; I just feel like we me at the wrong time. Another reason for the so called break is the fact that we will be going to different colleges in a year, and don't want to grow overly attached and then be forced apart. Is that a rational reason?

Finally, fast forward to this past evening: I'm on vacation, and I randomly met a girl (don't worry, I'd NEVER fool around) and we started talking and sort of hit it off. I doubt I'll ever see that person again, but it got me thinking that maybe there are others out there that I could also talk to as I do my girlfriend; and that maybe the commonness between us isn't totally unique.

I'm sure this sounded very conflicted and redundant. My bottom line is this: I genuinely like the person I'm dating and truly don't want the relationship to end, but I feel like the time is just not right for the two of us. I had always thought that I'd never find another person who clicks with me like she does, but past experience states that maybe that chance does exist. What is your personal advice on my issue at hand?

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Roxie102
Peer Ambassador
Member # 72015

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Hey Ollandert. I had a very similar experience. I was dating a guy for a while in my junior year of high school and all of my senior year. The summer before I went to college, we decided to take a "break," but like you, things were basically the same between us. I thought that we were great for each other and that I'd never find someone else, and so we got back together in the fall of my first year at college and stuck it out for a while. I never thought my feeling would change towards him, but this spring, we started moving apart, and I gained newer interests and such. This made us fight a lot, and eventually, I decided to break up for good. I don't regret staying with him for as long as I did because this break up gave me closure I wouldn't have had otherwise - I got to find out for myself that there are lots of other people who may be even better suited for me. All this isn't to scare you but just to say that I know how you feel and how difficult it is to have a relationship that feels like the right person at the wrong time. I can't tell you what to do, but if you're really having doubts in your heart about the future of this relationship, I'd say don't be afraid to move on if that's what feels right. I promise there will be more people just as great as her, if not better. And, in college, you'll both change a good bit. You two may be able to adapt to each others' changes and still enjoy being together, but there's also the chance that you'll grow apart. I hope this helps at least a little.

[ 07-06-2013, 08:13 AM: Message edited by: Roxie102 ]

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Haleigh H
Volunteer-in-training
Member # 103145

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Hi Ollandert,

What a great question. I know there are a lot of others out there who are going through the same thing, especially with college right around the corner for so many freshman. I think that Rocie102 gave some great input.

Let's tackle the trouble of spending time with your girlfriend vs. spending time with your mom. I've definitely been there myself. It can be really difficult balancing family, friends, etc. Have you thought about talking to you mom about it? It sounds like you two are really close and she may have some good ideas about how you can manage your time without feeling guilty. There is no quick fix for this one but it is good to remember that you are only one person and at the end of the day you have to do what is best for you and makes you happy.

Now to your second question. Have you thought about talking to your girlfriend about what you're feeling? If you feel like she would be open to the discussion it may be really helpful to talk through your feelings with her. What do you think?

--------------------
Haleigh

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Molias
Scarleteen Volunteer
Member # 101745

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I agree that it might be a really good idea to have a talk with your mom about spending time with her. It's great that you have a close relationship with her and want to spend time together, but I wonder if having a conversation with her about this can help you plan times to have quality time with her while also giving you the time to do other things, whether that's being with your girlfriend, other friends, or just taking some time to yourself.
Even aside from time-management issues in your current relationship, this is something that will probably be helpful to think about before you go off to college, since you won't be able to spend time with your mom then either. You say she isn't putting this pressure on you, but it sounds like you're putting plenty on yourself. Maybe sitting down with her and working out a schedule that makes you both happy will take some of that pressure off of you.

In terms of your relationship, though, I think it may be a good idea to have a talk with your girlfriend about how you're both feeling about things. If things haven't changed much after you decided to "take a break" it may not be really clear to either of you how things stand right now. And if you're both not sure how you're feeling, that's ok - but talking things over a bit more might help sort it out a little more. =)

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