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» Scarleteen Boards: 2000 - 2014 (Archive) » SCARLETEEN CENTRAL » Relationships » Sex Talk?

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Author Topic: Sex Talk?
OliveCon
Neophyte
Member # 107898

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So recently, i've found that I want to be more open about sexual stuff with my mom. But the problem is i'm only 15, and my parents are pretty strict. I really want to be able to ask my mom questions about pregnancy and sex and relationships, but i'm so scared she'd get mad at me, or make me break up with my committed boyfriend.

Like for example, i'm still a virgin, but i was thinking of starting birth control just in case things got out of hand in the future, and to ease my irrational fear of getting pregnant from manual sex. However, due to my inability to talk to my mom, I have no way of getting the drugs I need (I can't lie to my parents about taking meds, id feel too guilty).

Any tips or suggestions on how to be more open with my mom? I just dont want to lose her trust when she finds out her "little girl" is being a bit more sexual than she'd like..

Posts: 37 | From: America | Registered: Jul 2013  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Heather
Executive Director & Founder
Member # 3

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Well, just for starters, so you know, in the United States, you have the ability and right to seek out birth control on your own without a parent if that is something you want to do.

But I feel like I hear you saying you would *rather* be open with your mother: do I have that right?

If so, can I ask if you two have ever had any difficult or challenging conversations before? maybe even something were you had different values or ideas? If so, how did that/those go?

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Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
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Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

Posts: 68290 | From: An island near Seattle | Registered: May 2000  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
OliveCon
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Member # 107898

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Well, i did try to ask my mom about birth control to regulate my period once, but she started talking about how harmfull bc is and how it screws up ur hormones, and the changed the subject and it was really awkward.

I think my mom would lose trust because she doesn't even know i've been to his house before, let alone by ourselves in his room ;P She has the whole "no boys in your room, and if you're in any room leave the door open" policy.

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Heather
Executive Director & Founder
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Well, I think we can agree that if and when someone isn't telling us the truth, we are going to lose trust in them.

But we can't really rebuild it if that person isn't honest with us to get that process started.

That isn't to say I don't get the conundrum of being honest + not being restricted in ways you don't want. I get it. I also respect your right to choose what you do and don't share with your mother in this respect.

But if you want to be more open, obviously you're going to have to be honest. And that'll mean her probably being disappointed about the dishonesty. That's just a thing that's going to happen. But it also might be a way for the two of you to start building something where you CAN be honest, and find some middle ground together, know what I mean?

Is that something you're feeling open to and able to handle right now?

(I do want to add that I only just now caught the "if things get out of hand" bit about the BC. You are aware that when sex is consensual -- not rape -- sex is a choice, right? And nothing sexual can happen all by itself if we don't choose to take those actions, right?)

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Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me • Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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OliveCon
Neophyte
Member # 107898

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I think I get what you're saying. Thanks for your help!

And i do understand that sex is a choice. What i meant was that I have told my boyfriend my feelings of wanting to wait at least until we have our own apartments so we don't have to sneak around parents and stuff.

But i have let myself go further than I intended to go on previous occasions, and if something happens in the heat of the moment, i want to make sure I have something to protect me.

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Heather
Executive Director & Founder
Member # 3

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I totally support being in front of the need for contraception (and safer sex, too, AKA, testing and condoms), and think that's always the best way to go.

I'd just put in a vote for trying to shift your framing here a little bit from talking about sex as "something that happens." Or "letting ourselves go." Ourselves can't do anything without us, after all. [Smile] Consensual sex is a do: it's about doing something, actively.

We can be in situations where our desire to be sexual together happens spontaneously, for sure, but it still doesn't "happen." It's still something we actively choose to do, if and when we choose to. Framing it like that makes it a lot easier to not just have a sex life people tend to enjoy more, but to better make and own only sexual decisions we feel great about.

I'd also say that framing it like that when having talks with parents and other adults makes it a lot more clear to them that you're capable of being your own agent. When someone talks about sex as something that "happens" it sounds a lot more like they don't grok that it's about active choices they're responsible for, if you catch my drift. And that's the kind of framework that very easily supports adults and parents in the idea that young people can't be trusted to make sound sexual choices.

--------------------
Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me • Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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OliveCon
Neophyte
Member # 107898

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Okay, maybe that's a better way to phrase it, but i meant about the same thing. For example, i've gone into a situation in the past with my boyfriend where I thought "okay, today we're only gonna kiss and that's all" and I ended up taking my top off, or it turning into a handjob or something. Like, i had an idea of what I thought i was ready for before hand, but when push came to shove, i changed my mind, and made the decision to go further. Does that make sense?

But we're just 15 anyways, and I've talked to my bf about this a lot (we're each others first partners, been together a little over one year) and decided if we were ever to have sex, to use condoms. I just thought that having that backup would be a good choice, along with easing my worry that somehow, magically, i'm going to get pregnant from a hj or bj.

But i get what you mean about parents. I believe personally that even though I'm young, i have the maturity to make my own sexual choices and stay safe. Hopefully my parents can see it from my perspective!

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Robin Lee
Volunteer Assistant Director
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I think you're saying that while you had an idea in your mind of what you wanted to do with your boyfriend, when it actually came to doing it, you realized that you (and he) wanted something else, or something in addition to what you thought initially you wanted. So long as everyone is actually and actively wanting that thing or things, there's nothing wrong with changing your mind.

Sexual activities are pretty much like anything else we do in life. We can make educated guesses about what it will be like or what we'll want, but we won't necessarily know either thing in the situation. It's a good idea to be prepared though, and to have one's limits beyond which one won't go unless one knows one is prepared.

oh, and pregnancy doesn't happen magically! [Smile] It just doesn't.

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Robin

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