To preface this, every word in this is true. I really want everyone to understand that. I'm not making any bit of this up, and I'm even excluding the most ridiculous parts. I just really want advice on this situation because I'm hurt and angry and I don't know who to turn to.
This is a story that begins four years ago. A boy that was my friend (let's call him Tyler) starting dating my other friend (let's call her The Rat. I think you can see where this might go...) After only about three months, The Rat Broke up with Tyler during the summer between our freshman and sophomore years. Now the story of these two seems like it should end here, but it doesn't. Unfortunately.
See, Tyler and I shared study hall, as we would all four years of high school. For two whole years, every day that I had study hall, I would hear about how Tyler was either being completely rejected by The Rat, or about how he was sure she was into him again. For two years I watched this girl play with him, turning to him whenever she was bored of the other boys she was with. In other words, until she was bored with the online boyfriends she had from Germany/Japan/wherever that just happened to share the names of the lead singers from her favorite bands in the country. (I'm not making this up, I swear.) One day, at the end of junior year, she asks to talk to him, in private. Ever hopeful, he goes to her, only for her to shove her hand into his face, with her new engagement ring from her Korean boyfriend, now fiancee. He was crushed.
That summer, Tyler was still feeling the sting of The Rat's rejection, but he was getting over it. In fact, one day, in a little closet containing about ten giggling teenagers, he finally started feeling something for another girl - me. All through high school, we had been friendly and kinda flirty at times, but my crappy ex boyfriend (who hated the boy's guts) kind of kept him away. But now in that closet, I was free and so was he. A couple weeks later, after talking endlessly, we were dating.
That was almost a year ago.
Since, I've fallen in love with him, and he fell in love with me. I've dealt with the aftereffects of my abusive relationship. We graduated high school. We had our fights but worked them out and came out stronger.
Yesterday, Tyler slept with The Rat.
She gave him a choice - her or me. He chose me. She told him not to tell anyone, but today he told me. And now I'm... I don't know. I don't want to dump him. I love him too much. I just don't know how to bear kissing him or touching him, or anything like that, knowing that The Rat did too.
More importantly, I work with The Rat. Should I tell my boss? What should I tell her? How am I supposed to listen to the other people at work mention her, and even worse, how am I supposed to smile and be polite with the little old lady patrons that can't remember my name and call me by The Rat's instead. (mine's not very traditional, hers is.)
I'm sorry if this sounded like a troll post, but it's not and I really am hurting and in need of advice.
Posts: 26 | From: somewhere in lalaland | Registered: Aug 2010
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Firstly I'm not really cool with describing anyone as a rat, no matter how you feel about that person.
It sounds to me that you're feeling some jealousy, but also a breech of your trust, and you don't want to kiss your partner now because of these feelings and so it'd be really kindest for you to allow yourself a break from that.
Have you told him that for now you don't want that physical contact? It is totally understandable.
I would also emphasise that your partner is the person you had agreements with (if you had made those agreements) regarding who's allowed to sleep with who, or an understanding what kind of stuff could hurt each other. And yet you seem to have focused much of your post on anger towards the third person.
I have often felt threatened by ex-partners of people I've dated and I would have been upset too if they had slept together while we were dating. Hell I'd be really angry and jealous at the 3rd person too. But after that initial reaction, I think it'd be quite important for me, and perhaps you too, to reign in those feelings of anger and begin to look at my own relationship. Maybe I would need a break, maybe we need to discuss changes in our relationship and so forth. Because that's what I'll be left to deal with, the relationship.
Sadly also, I'm not sure what you could do at work. I don't think it would be fair to attack this person's employment as you don't know how much they depend on that and I don't think gaining satisfaction from hurting them would be helpful at all.
What you could ask for at work is that you can work more separately from her. You could explain that something has happened between you two which has really upset you and made it difficult for you to survive in a shared working environment, and perhaps some arrangement could be made for you to have much less contact at work.
I don't think I addressed everything you said, but is that enough to get started with?
Posts: 694 | From: Leeds UK | Registered: May 2011
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I'd like to back Jacob up here on the fact that when one is in a relationship, the agreements about what is okay in the relationship are with the partners in it, not with anyone else. Did you and your partner talk about what was okay and not okay as far as interacting with other people before all this happened?
-------------------- Robin Posts: 6066 | From: Washington DC suburbs | Registered: Dec 2011
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