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» Scarleteen Boards: 2000 - 2014 (Archive) » SCARLETEEN CENTRAL » Relationships » Friends Or Me?

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Author Topic: Friends Or Me?
ladybug18
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Hello There

I've been dating this boy, and he recently got back from University all the way in the States, and lately he's ALWAYS with his friends. Even when we do go out, he sees them after me. I mean, I don't mind but then again he sees them everyday and when it comes to me probably three times a week. I understand the concept of going to university for the first time and not seeing your friends but also, there is also his girlfriend who he should see. I've talked to him about this and he said I was being a tad selfish. Am I?

My friends aren't in the country, so when I don't see him I'm home. So sometimes I do get upset that he doesn't make time for me. Maybe if my friends were here, it would be different, I wouldn't care as much. He won't cheat on me or anything, that's for sure. He's just always with his boys. It just gets to me! For example, like today we were supposed to go out, I call him and he says he's with his friends, and so I told him, you know we were supposed to go out tonight? he said he's sorry and he'll make it up to me.
I have asked him too, if he wants to be with me. He told me that he does and I'm just going a bit crazy over nothing, he thinks I want to end it but I really don't it's just theres nothing wrong with seeing your girlfriend..

Am I taking this too far? Am I being too selfish? [Confused]

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Heather
Executive Director & Founder
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I'm not sure we can say there is any kind of universal rule for how much time someone spends with friends versus how much time someone spends with a boyfriend/girlfriend.

Really, I'd say that's going to be a matter of each person's preferences, and how each person prioritizes, manages and "does" the relationships in their lives.

What I hear you saying though, ultimately, is that you'd like to be spending more time with him than you are, right? If so, while I certainly don't think it's sound or fair to talk about what time he chooses to spend with his friends, or about how it's more than with you, since he -- like you, with your friends -- get to make those choices, I certainly think you can tell someone you'd like more time with them and ask if they'd make more time to spend with you.

As well, you certainly get to hold someone to plans they have made with you, and if they blow those off, you get to be upset and that gets to be not-okay. And you can say that isn't okay and ask someone to honor the plans they make with you, canceling them only within reason, and with a reasonable heads-up beforehand if and when they do.

Have you two already had those conversations? It sounds like you might have: if so has his answer basically been that he wants to allocate his time the way he has been?

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Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me • Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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ladybug18
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Yes, really that's all I want, is to spend more time with my boyfriend. Honestly, I don't mind if he hangs out with his friends, it's just let me know beforehand if you can't make it with me. It's just weird that he can see me at anytime, and even when he DOES see me, he sees his friends.

yes, his answer was that. When we spoke, i didn't really say everything that I wanted to, especially when he said he would see me the next day so I was like ok, I guess as long as I see him, but then I had to call him up and say so what are you doing? he then says at a friends place.. It's just i feel like there is no time for me.

I think I should just talk to him about this when he gets home?

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Heather
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I'm not sure why it's weird: maybe you can tell me why you think it is?

I'm not clear: are you saying you already have had these conversations? If so, what was his response?

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Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me • Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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ladybug18
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It's weird because in the past, he wouldn't cancel on me, also, we would hang out way more than how it is now. I feel like everything's changing, and this isn't the only time where he has cancelled on me. Sure, in my country there isn't much to do besides going to the movies, or just enjoying a meal at a small cafe, so it does get boring but as long as we're together, it doesn't really matter. I know we love each other, it's just I don't see him putting as much effort into this relationship because lately we haven't been talking as much, we don't see each other as much, I only saw him on a friday, I snuck out to see him, for an hour, and after that, he's always been with his friends.

You are right though, I also get to make those choices with my friends.

We have spoken about this, he said how I'm going crazy, I'm selfish, he's at university and hasn't seen his friends. He also said I'm making a big deal. He also wanted to hear my side of why I'm thinking the way I was and I simply told him, I just want to spend some time with you and we haven't done that, so then he said " you get all crazy if we don't see each other? i love you but you can't act like that "

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Robin Lee
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i'm wondering what you mean by saying that you snuck out for an hour to see him. Are you not able to see him otherwise?

How often would you want to see and spend time with him if you were able to decide that?

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Robin

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Heather
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Okay.

So, while that conversation doesn't sound like it went so well, and the vibe of it doesn't sound great at all (some of the things he's saying to you sound pretty crappy to me), what I'm hearing from him sounds like he simply doesn't want to be spending more time with you.

In other words, like you want more time, but like he wants to spend the amount of time he's spending with this friends as-is, and same with you.

If that's the case, then really, this ball is back in your court. Now it's your turn to make some choices about if you can really live with this the way things are, and want to keep being in a relationship with the amount of time this person is offering or not.

There's no right or wrong answers with something like that, just what you think or know is in alignment -- or isn't -- with what you want and need. But it sounds like at this point, that's really where you're at, and he just isn't at all likely to offer up more time or feel that you're as much of a priority to him as his friends are.

He gets to do that, of course, again, just like you do, but you get to decide if that's workable for you or not. If not, seems like it might be time to start thinking hard about if this is really a good fit for you as an intimate relationship.

--------------------
Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me • Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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ladybug18
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I snuck out on a friday at 1 am, since my parents weren't home and my grandmother was home. I can see him everyday, anytime I want to just not after 11pm. We really wanted "alone" time, so going to his house while he had no parents at home, seemed like the perfect time.

It's just I used to see him everyday, and he would never cancel plans with me and lately, I feel like he doesn't care about me. Or if he does, he doesn't seem to show it lately. I don't know if it's the whole University thing but still, if he can see his friends everyday OR after he sees me, then it won't hurt to just call me up and ask to hang out then see his friends?

I do not know what to do.

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ladybug18
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To Heather, it does sound pretty crappy.
You are right, and I will think about this strongly and let you both know what happens.
thanks! you have helped me so much [Smile]

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Heather
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You're welcome. Sorry it's not the best news of ever. [Frown]

It might be time for this piece, if you haven't looked at it already: Should I Stay or Should I Go?

--------------------
Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me • Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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ladybug18
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I will check it out! [Smile]
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Molias
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Hi ladybug,

I just wanted to mention something I saw you say a few times here - that your boyfriend keeps calling you "crazy" for wanting to spend more time with him. He is entitled to have his own needs and wants around how much time he spends with you vs. with his other friends, or on his own. But saying that you are "crazy" for wanting something different is completely disrespectful and not ok.

This falls under the general heading of crappy things as Heather mentioned above, but it really stood out to me as something that's really not acceptable for someone in a relationship to say to their partner about how they're feeling. =(

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