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» Scarleteen Boards: 2000 - 2014 (Archive) » SCARLETEEN CENTRAL » Relationships » Healing after cheating

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Author Topic: Healing after cheating
Member # 37450

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My boyfriend and I have been together for 7 years and were engaged for 4 years. We are both 25 and meet online but lived 20 minutes from each other. When we first started dating I moved an hour away to attend college while he stayed and attended our local college. Our relationship has always been a struggle for us due to the distance and due to my insecurities. We were really I'm love with each other and would work things out. We had more great times then not.

My boyfriend has always been a very social person, especially with females. Because of my insecurities I became very jealous about different women that he would talk to on the phone or online (most of who he was already friends with before me). I constantly brought it up to him and fussed about it but, he could never stop talking to them. When I was in high school I had a crush on a guy that I never really got over. I would talk to him occassionally whenever I would find out that my boyfriend was talking to some other girl.

When he moved into his own place in January 2012, I started to notice a different with him. I wanted to move in with him as soon as possible because I felt this would be the best step for us. He wouldnt allow it. He said he wanted time to himself first to get used of living alone. I said ok and didn't move. He wouldnt always let me come spend the night or some night I would ask, he would say yes, then I would call on my way to let him know I was on my way and he would say no to stay st my house because he wanted to be alone. I would beg him to let me come over and he wouldn't budge. I started to feel unwanted. I didn't understand why he didn't want to be around me. He would say that he didn't want company or the house was dirty. Later he told me that he just didn't feel good about how he looked or just wanted to play video games alone.

Last month I discovered my boyfriend was cheating on me with someone he had met from college. He says that he did not sleep with her but that they only kissed and touched. I had a hard time believing this because of the texts messages I saw. He told me that he liked to talk to her because he would tell her everything he wanted me to tell him. About how she would go anywhere with him (he wants to travel) and that she would actually talk to him when I really wouldnt. He said that he wanted her to be me. That he wanted me to be in love with him like she was and want to help him accomplish all his dreams like she promised she would. He said that he did not love her (although he did tell her that in messages) and that he deliberately kept leaving his phone out so that I would be able to find out about the situation because he wanted it to end and didn't know how. I freaked out when I found out. I made him call her and end things and made him tell her all the reasons he told me he was with her.

A week later i find out that they are talking again. I packed up my things and left. he called my mom and told her what he did and I called him mom and told her. Well his mom completely took my side and freaked out on him. The following week we kept in contact and talked about how we both felt like we had not been giving the other person our all during our relationship and we got back together.

A week ago I came clean to cheating on him with the guy from my high school. I had so much guilt over it and I needed to tell him. It was only once, in a park around March 2012. I already felt like a slut and completely degraded myself. This guy would tell me how beautiful I was and sweet talk me. Things I wanted my boyfriend to say to me. I didn't feel appreciated. He lost all sanity on me. It's been a week since then and I have completely told him everything about that night.he wanted specific details about it though. He wanted to know everything I did to him and vice versa and about his privates compared to him. It's horrible. My boyfriend says he forgives me but he is depressed. I talked to his mom to apologize to her about this and she understood. She forgave me but was disappointed in me because she took my side instead of her son when I did wrong too. He doesn't want to touch me and constantly brings it up and asks more questions.

Things were getting better until yesterday. He wanted me to call the guy in front of him to end things (even though I've ignored him since January of this year). So I did and my boyfriend was not satisfied. The guy didn't care anyway. He said he was leaving for Germany so it didn't matter. I was speechless and humiliated by how he answered me and then hung up on me. My boyfriend said it was too nonchalant and that it didn't really end things. So I ended up calling this guy again and completely freaking out on him for what he did to me.

My boyfriend told me that he no longer loves me but still cares about me and that he regrets our first time being with each other. That he wished we would have saved it for someone else. That really stabbed me deep. I was always taught that sex is sacred and to wait until marriage. And I gave myself to my boyfriend. I know he's hurting but my gosh. He says that he doesn't believe in love anymore and that he doesn't see us getting married anymore. And that if we stay together it will probably not end with marriage or kids. At the same time he doesn't really want me to move out. Neither do I. I dont want to give up because I love him and want to fix the past 7 years that we weren't there for one another.

I just don't know what to do. He's telling me that I am childish and spoiled and need to grow up. That he needs a strong woman. I know that I have problems and I have started addressing them. But I can't just changed everything overnight. I know that I act childish especially when I don't get my way. I want to help him but he says that I can't. That he will not always be this way but because it's new it just hurts him. I did let him know that I cannot take the verbal abuse anymore. And he had gotten better about it until yesterday. How can I help him move on? I don't think he means half of what he said. I think he still loves me but is so hurt because of the innocent picture he painted of me. I am not that person that did that. I've never cheated on anyone before and I can't believe I did on the one guy who didn't derserve it. What do I do to help him?

[ 06-21-2013, 01:10 PM: Message edited by: SugarBuni ]

- Save me, I'm lost. Oh lord, I've been waiting for you.

Posts: 34 | From: Louisiana | Registered: Mar 2008  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Scarleteen Volunteer
Member # 25425

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I am sorry you are feeling so rough, SugarBuni.

I hear you asking about how to put this behind you, but it sounds to me like you are both still in the thick of this, and still very much in a place of needing to work through what happened and process it.

It also sounds to me, between this post and your posting history here, like what happened is part of an on-going difficulty you two have around communicating with each other.

Aside from the break-down in communication, there also seems to be unhealthy behavior going on on both sides: you snooped through his things, and he displayed some manipulative behavior when he made you call your friend to break it off with him.

All of that signals to me that there's a relationship that's in some deep trouble, and it also sounds like your boyfriend is seeing that, as well.

So, again: I don't think it is time to move on from this. I think it is time to seriously engage with what happened and why, and whether, given everything, this relationship is a good fit for the both of you right now.

So, rather than framing it as "how can I help you to get over this?", I think the conversation should be framed as, "what has been going in our relationship to make both of us want to go beyond our monogamy agreement, and what does this mean for our relationship?" Do you think you can meet your boyfriend on that level and have a calm, serious conversation to work that out?

Scarleteen Volunteer

"The question is not who will let me, but who is going to stop me." -Ayn Rand

Posts: 9192 | From: Cologne, Germany | Registered: Sep 2005  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Executive Director & Founder
Member # 3

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Hey there, Sugar.

Can you please put some line breaks in your post?

It's simply much, much to difficult to read this much text without them. Thanks. [Smile]

Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
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Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

Posts: 68290 | From: An island near Seattle | Registered: May 2000  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator

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