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» Scarleteen Boards: 2000 - 2014 (Archive) » SCARLETEEN CENTRAL » Relationships » he wouldn't leave...

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Author Topic: he wouldn't leave...
Prozac
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Member # 79657

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Last night my boyfriend came over to MY house for the very first time. (My parents don't allow boys over but they're gone for the weekend.) We had a great time and everything was going fine, until around 1:30 A.M. when I started getting tired and asked him to leave. I consider my personal space to be a boundary that I draw clearly, and that's what I was asking for -- personal space so I could sleep (I don't like sleeping with another person).

Now normally my boyfriend is very respectful of my boundaries. He stops when I say stop, he won't if I'm unsure, he lets me leave HIS place whenever I want to go. You know? But when I asked him to leave, he just changed the subject and kept wanting to cuddle me and hang out. I had to ask him like five times to leave! And then he left in kind of a guilt-tripping way -- like making me feel guilty for kicking him out, kind of.

I have not had an opportunity to talk to my boyfriend about what happened. He is just acting like everything is normal today. But my question is, I don't want him coming over to my house anymore if he's not going to leave when I ask him to. How do I tell him that without sounding really mean?

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Robin Lee
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Hi Prozac,

I think saying something like that is all in how you say it. Sure, you could sound really mean about it, or you could say, in a very matter-of-fact way: "My personal boundaries are really important to me. You're important to me too, but if you're not comfortable with me setting boundaries in my own space, I think we're just going to have to spend time with each other somewhere else from here on out." Of course, you don't have to recite those exact words (probably better if you don't) but I hope it's clear how you can be firm and clear without sounding nasty.

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Robin

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Prozac
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I'm just not sure how to PHRASE it. Like I know what I want to say: "Hey, listen, last night when you wouldn't leave when I asked you to? It really bothered me and I didn't like the way you acted when you finally left. I don't know if you were deliberately trying to guilt-trip me, but that's what it felt like. You know I need a lot of personal space and you've always been good about giving it to me in the past so I hope this was just a one-time thing, but if it's not, you can't come over to my place anymore." Except that sounds TERRIBLE and would definitely cause an argument.
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Robin Lee
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Well, what about starting the discussion by telling him you want to talk about how you really got the impression he was refusing to leave, and see where it goes from there? You can decide how to phrase it, and what tone you want your thoughts to have, once you get a sense for how he's responding to the conversation.

IN other words, you don't have to say all of that all at once. [Smile]

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Robin

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Prozac
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Ooooooh. Smart.

I guess this is why they make you Assistant Director, huh? Lol thanks.

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Robin Lee
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[Razz] You're welcome.

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Robin

Posts: 6066 | From: Washington DC suburbs | Registered: Dec 2011  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
   

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