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» Scarleteen Boards: 2000 - 2014 (Archive) » SCARLETEEN CENTRAL » Relationships » Relationship Advice?

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Author Topic: Relationship Advice?
mariajose
Neophyte
Member # 100771

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Hopefully this gets posted somewhere in the relationship category!

On the 25th of this month, I would be dating my current boyfriend for a year. It's crazy to think that him and I have lasted this long! We've both (mostly me) been through so much that only GOD knows (and you guys too!)
We fight constantly; everything is literally a fight and it's like, I love him so much that I refuse to take a break (I cheated on him when we DID take a break a few months back) and I just don't think it'll work.

Now, my ex boyfriend from 8-10th grade is coming back from Florida. He is actually the guy I cheated on my boyfriend with (horrible, huh?) and he's definitely a player. But, part of me will always have such a terrible soft spot for him because he was the one who took my virginity and he was in fact my first love. You never forget those, right? He knows I have a boyfriend and we actually haven't spoken in weeeeks. My boyfriend now hates him and he forces me not to reply back whenever my ex texts me (which makes me feel like utter crap.)
My exes mom and I are still fairly close. She says how he still loves me and how that super awesome song "Clarity by Zedds ft. Foxes" reminds him of me. And it got me thinking allll over again about my ex. She still has hope for us but he totally screwed me over. He had sex with a girl and didn't tell me until months after.
Til this day I can think in detail about it and it'll still make me cry because you guys have no idea how much I honestly loved him.

I did everything for him and my parents hate him! Our relationship was a secret for most of our time and my mom just dislikes him and hates the sound of his name.

I know that my ex will only play with me again. As much as part of me misses him, I know he's not healthy for me. I wish I didn't feel this way.

I'm so confused and when school starts back up again, I don't wanna have all these mixed emotions for my current and ex. I love my current boyfriend so much and he's the sweetest. He treats me better than my ex ever did and I don't think I have the guts to leave him for my ex. I just couldn't do that.

What should I do about this?
Oh and how do I let go of the past? It seems to eat at me whenever I think about it. Especially because I haven't forgiven myself for cheating on my current boyfriend months ago.

Posts: 26 | From: New Jersey | Registered: Nov 2012  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Heather
Executive Director & Founder
Member # 3

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You know, my best advice when there is conflict in an existing relationship, then something maybe-new (or maybe-again) with someone else on the horizon is to set the maybe-other-thing aside and deal with the existing relationship in conflict first and only.

I'm hearing what sounds like a very unhealthy relationship: fighting all the time, you refusing to take space to see if that improves anything, your boyfriend controlling who you text. Clearly, you need to deal with the issues in this relationship and figure out if you still want to be in it or not, and if you're going to stay in it, how you two are going to create and have a healthy relationship.

And in the event the conclusion you come to is you want to leave this relationship, then I'd advise you be on your own for a bit and only later -- at least a few months -- consider your ex if you even still wanted to.

P.S. I think it's possible you're having trouble letting go of this other person because what you've been in now doesn't sound all that hot, either. And it sounds like neither of these relationships were really good ones based on what you've posted.

--------------------
Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me • Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

Posts: 68290 | From: An island near Seattle | Registered: May 2000  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
mariajose
Neophyte
Member # 100771

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I was thinking the same the same thing. I just can't believe that I actually cheated on my boyfriend because I still remember what it felt like to be betrayed like that. And I was so confused and helpless at the time- I didn't know what I wanted. He's the first guy since my ex and I knew better but my heart didn't.

I love my boyfriend now but how do I stop us from arguing so much? I cry all the time because I get so frustrated but I know that we could be good for eachother. We fight for 10 minutes and it's over but its an every day thing. I can't picture myself with someone else.

Do you think that I should forgive myself for cheating if he has forgiven me?

Posts: 26 | From: New Jersey | Registered: Nov 2012  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Heather
Executive Director & Founder
Member # 3

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You know, I'm perhaps stating the obvious, but it's challenging to stay all the way into a relationship that's lousy.

In other words, wanting to stray away from something that's full of strife? Pretty human. And I'd also say that behaving in ways you don't feel are like you, or are outside your ethics, are perhaps very good clues things are really wrong here, you know?

You can't stop both of you from doing anything. You can only take care of your own behavior. It's on him to take care of his.

Have you two talked about things like the constant fighting and him doing things like seeking to control who you talk to? If so, how did those talks go? What did you both come up with? Did you both say you want to change those things and WILL work on things, then start talking about how to each do that and work n them together?

I'd also say this: if after a year together you are NOT good for each other? I'd consider that "we could be good for each other" may not be that realistic. By all means, if you both want to start putting real effort in here, things can perhaps change, but I think you should also consider that a year in, if it's like this and staying like this, it very well might not change, and that "could be" may be much more what you're wishing than what's really possible.

If you are fighting all the time, crying all the time, and trying to think of how to fix a relationship by yourself -- rather than you and your partner both saying this is awful and hauling butt to both work hard to make things better -- the fact of the matter is that, like most people in that situation, you may simply be in a relationship that's plain old broken and that can't be fixed.

[ 06-07-2013, 05:47 PM: Message edited by: Heather ]

--------------------
Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me • Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

Posts: 68290 | From: An island near Seattle | Registered: May 2000  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
mariajose
Neophyte
Member # 100771

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We actually talked it out and we haven't fought since I posted this! I'm actually a lot better since I talked to him about it. [Smile] I appreciate all your help! You guys have helped me so much. [Smile] but one last thing!

I cheated on my boyfriend as I mentioned before. I've googled what to do and most sites say to keep quiet because my guilt is enough punishment and I should punish myself and not him by saying so. I cheated one in the starting of our relationship and then in the middle of it. Last time was 4 months ago which is the 2nd time. I told him I cheated but not how many times. I didn't have sex with the guy I cheated on him with (my ex)
For some reason I don't wanna say anything but I feel guilty. He said the past is the past and he forgave me. I told him the other day I felt like crap for all the stuff I've done to him. And he said I need to forget about it because it's already done with.

I want to forget about what happened without telling him anything. I don't think I should tell him about the first because it was basically a year ago almost. How can I just let it go? He forgave me and forgot about it so why can't I do the same?

Posts: 26 | From: New Jersey | Registered: Nov 2012  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Heather
Executive Director & Founder
Member # 3

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You know, personally, I'd advise being honest: all the way honest, if you really want to create a relationship of quality.

I don't think telling the truth is about punishing anyone. I think it's about being real so that you two can deal with what's real, and not have big secrets, which are always huge barriers in intimate relationships.

--------------------
Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me • Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

Posts: 68290 | From: An island near Seattle | Registered: May 2000  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
   

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