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» Scarleteen Boards: 2000 - 2014 (Archive) » SCARLETEEN CENTRAL » Relationships » How to forget my past?

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Author Topic: How to forget my past?
mariajose
Neophyte
Member # 100771

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I cheated on my boyfriend before. I've googled what to do and most sites say to keep quiet because my guilt is enough punishment and I should punish myself and not him by saying so. I cheated once in the starting of our relationship and then in the middle of it. Last time was 4 months ago which is the 2nd time. I told him I cheated but not how many times. I didn't have sex with the guy I cheated on him with (my ex)
For some reason I don't wanna say anything but I feel guilty. He said the past is the past and he forgave me. I told him the other day I felt like crap for all the stuff I've done to him. And he said I need to forget about it because it's already done with.
He never brings up the fact that I cheated on him either. It wasnt really even cheating the second time becuse we were on break and things were rocky at that point.

I want to forget about what happened without telling him anything like how many times or what I did. I don't think I should tell him about the first because it was basically a year ago almost. How can I just let it go? He forgave me and forgot about it so why can't I do the same? The past is the past but I just find it hard to forget because he only knows about one time out of two. ;(

(Sorry if this is posted on twice, Im on mobile!) thank you [Smile]

Posts: 26 | From: New Jersey | Registered: Nov 2012  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Jacob at Scarleteen
Scarleteen Volunteer
Member # 66249

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Hi Maria Jose,

It sounds like you've been going through the ringer. The first thing that strikes me is that it'd be a whole lot better to step away, 100%, from the idea of punishment. Whether you say or don't say more to your partner, it's not about hurting you.

I don't see why it'd be particularly new information to him, if has accepted what you have said. Perhaps he doesn't even want to know more. And yet if you have been scared to speak in more depth, he bares responsibility for that too. We shouldn't be so threatening to our partners that they fear telling us stuff, it says something about the relationship you guys have together.

The past is in the past, and pain/guilt in the present won't change the needs we had in the past or the decisions we made.

However from what you've written in your other thread it sounds like you are indeed having some very present problems. There's on-going fighting with your current boyfriend. It's no wonder that you feel overpowered.

I know from my experience that guilt is one of those emotions that is so very hard to shake because it can come from a variety of sources and we can tell ourselves we just need to feel differently. The truth is attacking yourself is not going to work.

If you're going to feel crappy that's understandable but in the short term at least that is what you're feeling, a bit of acceptance and sympathy for yourself over those feelings will get you very far. Being kind to yourself will help you so much more than saying to yourself that you need punishment.

The question that then comes to mind is "What does being kind to yourself mean?"

My thought is that it could do with somehow, as much as feels comfortable, stepping away from relationships which are hurting you. Past relationships and present relationships. Being someone that you can depend on. It definitely isn't easy but that's the direction to be moving in.

I would definitely think that rather than 'forget' the past those would be the things that would help you have empathy with yourself for making your decisions, moving forward and feeling much much better.

[ 06-09-2013, 08:11 AM: Message edited by: Jacob at Scarleteen ]

Posts: 694 | From: Leeds UK | Registered: May 2011  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
mariajose
Neophyte
Member # 100771

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I mean, I know I should feel better because I DID tell him that I cheated overall. It's human for me to still feel bad but are you saying I shouldn't try to forget? I guess the arguments are what causes me to feel guilty too. :/
Posts: 26 | From: New Jersey | Registered: Nov 2012  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Robin Lee
Volunteer Assistant Director
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You know, memories, thoughts, and feelings aren't things that we can just turn off like turning off a light switch. [Smile] So, there is no magical way to forget.

What do you think is making you still feel guilty?

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Robin

Posts: 6066 | From: Washington DC suburbs | Registered: Dec 2011  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
mariajose
Neophyte
Member # 100771

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I think what's making me still feel so guilty is that I cheated on him. My ex boyfriend cheated on me and my dad cheated on my mom and it's like I don't know how to cope with arguments and situations like that so I look for the easy way to get rid of pain.
I always feel like there's something I'm not telling him or like I need to tell him my every move just to make up for me cheating on him and it's not healthy for me. I deserve to forgive myself but I don't know how to even start.

Posts: 26 | From: New Jersey | Registered: Nov 2012  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Robin Lee
Volunteer Assistant Director
Member # 90293

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Have you talked with your boyfriend about how you're feeling, and how you feel like you need to do things to make up for what you did? It sounds to me like the first step here would be to start some open, honest communication with him around this.

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Robin

Posts: 6066 | From: Washington DC suburbs | Registered: Dec 2011  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
   

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